I Was Angry!

Hey lovies!

How’s everyone doing? Great? That’s amazing. So, I feel like everyone and their grandmother has heard ‘Broken-hearted girl’ by Beyoncé. If you haven’t, I’d put a link here. It really is an amazing song but the last song you want to listen to when you’re anything close to being down.

First time I heard this song was back in college. I have a flare for the dramatic so I would sing the lyrics like my love life (which was non existent) was falling apart. I remember one day this guy I was speaking to (whatever that meant at the time) sent me a “hey what’s up” message at about 2am which used to be fake deep hour back in the day. I replied talking about how I had “broken hearted girl” on repeat even though it had nothing to do with me but I felt it on a different level. Lol how pointless was that reply? Now that I think about it, it feels like I was learning the lyrics to a song that would eventually define my whole relationship in the next few years.

I’ve had somewhat of a challenging year so far. Challenging because I’ve had to make life changing decisions. Now, I don’t regret a single decision I made this year as they’ve all brought me to a place where I feel peace, happiness and freedom like never before. The challenging part was however making these decisions in the first place and having enough willpower to stick to the choices I made. That’s because it is so easy to run back to the things you’ve grown so accustomed to even though you know they’re bad for you. I’ve had bad dreams, days where I’m just not ready for life. There’s so much that I’ve had to deal with all at the same time. Prior to this year, I used to roll my eyes when people said things like “I’m going through a lot” but now, that’s the only response I can bring myself to say when anyone asks how I’m really doing.

So what does this have to do with Beyoncés song? I don’t know either but let’s keep going. 🙂

I’ve been all smiles these past two months so what went wrong? Two weekends ago, my hand was forced. I hate when I feel like my hands are being forced. So I ended up going to a place I swore I’d never return to. Interacted with people I swore I’d never interact with. You know, fake a smile, say my fake please and thank you’s and act like my insides weren’t telling me to smack certain people in the face. This whole encounter only lasted for 2 minutes but, it was the longest 2 minutes of my life. Following this, I got to have dinner with the loves of my life (yes I have more than one because life is short) and it was amazing. It was also emotionally challenging because these are people who saw me through it; whatever ‘it’ means. So there were a few “are you okay” and “how are you really doing” statements and I understand that this was genuine concern but it made me angry. Angry at myself, angry at my initial encounter, angry at the fact that I was in the same space as I was months ago.

The next day I ran back to my city like I always run away from situations that make me remotely emotional. You’d assume my glutes would be toned by now with the amount of mental running I do. I thought coming back home would solve all my problems. I mean, why shouldn’t it? This was a different city, different crowd, barely any reminders, almost no memories made. Sounds like the best solution right? Wrong.

“You’re everything I thought you never were

and nothing like I thought you could have been”

Human beings are generally delusional. If you disagree, Imma need you to email me an argumentative essay. It’s so easy to be delusional when there’s any kind emotions involved; both positive and negative emotions. Sometimes, you care about someone and you’re blind to their negative sides and that’s what I understand from this line. In the end, you’re a bit confused as to how this person ‘changed’ when in reality, you just couldn’t see them for what they really were from the beginning.

I was back in the comfort of my home listening to some music. That’s when Beyonce’s beautiful voice bursts through my earphones and I’m milli rocking while singing at the top of my lungs. It’s all fun and games until there’s a pinch at the back of my eyes. You know that pinch you feel right before you let go of your badbitch status…lol that pinch. These lyrics have nothing to do with me currently but there was a point in time where I would listen to this song and think Beyoncé wrote this for me. It’s amazing because I’m not in that space anymore and I haven’t been for years but thinking about it made my throat crack in a way that I could barely contain myself. This is funny because I’ve spent the last month talking about how little I feel and how disconnected I am with my emotions.

Damn Beyoncé, why you do me like that?

So I’m thinking cool beans, I just need to change the song and I’ll be fine right? That’s what I thought until I found myself shouting “I’m so angry” and “I hate you” at my reflection while listening to ‘No Longer Slaves’ (which btw is an amazing song). Now do you believe me when I say I have a flare for the dramatic? Maybe if I said hated myself enough times it’ll be real. Maybe if I blamed myself for staying in a situation that hindered me from growing as an individual or progressing in the way that I knew I could, I would feel better. Maybe if I chose to hate myself for pouring so much life into an association that only drained me mentally and physically I could finally make sense of my predicament. The problem with this is there’s really nothing not to love about me. I mean, have you met me? I’m lovely. Absolutely adorable even I could never hate myself and I know all the bad things I’ve done. So, clearly that was kind of pointless. Don’t scream at your mirrors ladies and gentlemen, you’ll only end up feeling mad.

“And though there are times when I hate you ’cause I can’t erase

The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face

And even now while I hate you, it pains me to say

I know I’ll be there at the end of the day”

I used to think that the opposite of love was hate. So when there was hate in my heart, I would conclude that I was over my situation but would be confused at how I still ended up back in the same situation after a few days. Boys and girls, the opposite of love is not hate but indifference, lack of concern, nothing.

It’s been a week since my mad episode and I’m back to laughing at every thing again which might suggest that I am indeed still mad. At the end of the day, we’re all bound to experience events that may change our lives forever. It is important to ensure that this doesn’t change your heart, doesn’t make you harbour hate or resentment but most of all, doesn’t hinder you from experiencing the finer things in life. Life really is beautiful.

“You say you got the most respect for me

But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving of me”

Moral of the story – Don’t listen to sad songs, they would eventually become your life story and you’ll find yourself shouting at your reflection.

Real moral of the story – Guard your hearts boys and girls or allow God guard them for you Phil 4:7.

Love,

Ak

X