Category: Semi deep thoughts

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10 Day Me Challenge..Superwoman Version.

Hey lovies,

Guess who’s back back back…back again gain gain..Yes you got it! I’m back! Let’s just imagine you’re all so excited to see me back again on WordPress. I’m actually excited to put words on paper..Words on paper? Well you understand what I mean. It just feels like I’m back home, in my imaginary world, on my blog, with my amazing readers.

So it only seems fair that I explain the reason for my absence. I mean, that’s how it usually works right? Well, firstly, I’ve had the longest most stressful exam period this January and all I can say is..Jesus gat me. So exams were over on the 29th and I thought whoop one week holiday till the start of school, this is going to be fun. Little did I know that it would be the worst week ever. Why is this the worst week? Only because I received ‘Ella’ from yet another company and I’m starting to believe that God has kept my multimillionbilliontrillionaire somewhere in the corner waiting for me to find him seeing as getting a job is looking beyond possible. So this might be a good thing in the long run. Also because the word ‘betrayal’ has gone from being a random word in the dictionary to becoming my reality and, I’ve just really lost the will to write buttttt you don’t care about my week do you? No? Woah I was hoping you’d say yes.

Anyway, Happy New Year everybody!!! I hope your year is going a lot better than mine. I’m going to jump right into the 10 day challenge only I’d do it in one post because I think I’m super woman. Soooooo..

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10 Secrets

They wouldn’t be secrets once I tell you so I really can’t answer this question.

9 Loves

1) My Creator – My everything.

2) Food – I’d like to give a huge ‘shala’ to my main chick; food. She’s always there for me in literally different forms. Eg: green tea and broccoli when I feel like lying to myself about how healthy I am. Popcorn, cake and ice cream on my miserable ‘I’m so sad I’m going to ingest high carbs’ days. Garri and soup on the days when I’m motivated to be thick. I love you side chick.

3) My Family – No Comment.

4) My Friends – My Blessings. I keep trying to explain how I feel about my friends…my real friends but, I could never put it in actual words.

5) Music – This has to be the root of my dramatic nature. I love the diversity, the lyrics, the emotions, the stories behind. Music is like food to my soul guys.

6) Poetry – This is practically the same as music only I think poetry is more creative and subject to multiple interpretations. It’s brilliant. Like music without the tunes but a whole lot of soul, a whole lot of rhythm.

7) Makeup – Watch me go from geeky blogger to Beyoncé real quick. I’m especially obsessed with eyeshadow but it sucks because I have no eyelids AKA Chinese eyes ‘eyes Chinese though we smoking sour diesel‘

8) Love – Can I love love? Or maybe the idea of it. I love love and everything that follows; both good and bad. Yes yes I’m a hopeless romantic.

9) Beautiful messages – I typed beautiful but I really meant cute. You know the feeling you get when someone sends an unexpected cute message or you wake up to a cute message? The one that starts warm in your belly then spreads to your heart before going to your brain? Yes, the one that keeps you smiling for hours. It’s just amazing but in a calm way.

8 Fears

1) Me – Anyone else have moments where they surprise themselves? Yh I’ve got that too..a bit too often as we. For this reason I’m just scared that I might do or think or say something that may be beyond absurd.

2) Rejection – This is funny because I’ve been rejected three times this school year so the saying ‘what you are most afraid of would happen to you’ actually holds water.

3) Failure – With failure comes rejection so, I feel like this had to follow next. Also, nobody wants to look back at their lives at 40 and think about how big of a failure they are. I am absolutely terrified of failing at school, in life, in relationships etc

4) Regret – This might actually be my biggest fear mostly because regret is a permanent thing since we can’t go back and change things. It’s so scary to imagine looking back on a particular situation and regretting it for the rest of my life. That’s why more often than none, I think twice then two times more and another 200 times after that before making decisions.

5) Dogs – Even though I’ve got 5 dogs at home and at some point we had 2 + 10 puppies, I would always hate dogs.

6) I’m afraid of growing up too fast because I might miss experiences or adventures or feelings that could only be observed among the young at heart.

7) I can’t decide if I’m more scared of being a pain in the ass wife or a pain in the ass mother. Hopefully, I’m neither in the future. Either way. I’m scared of getting into a marriage that doesn’t have its foundations rooted in the word of God.

8) I’m afraid of making plans. It takes time and effort and passion and a lot of thinking to draw up a plan. A plan for your life, a plan for a weekend getaway, a plan for a conversation etc. So there’s very few things more frustrating than not having thing work out and constantly changing your plans to fit around the reality you’re faced with. Now I just go where life takes me. Ofcourse I have vision but I’ve given up on the plan idea.

7 Wants

1) I want to wake up in a new Bugatti.

2) I want to be happy and have everyone I care about to be even happier.

3) I want Greggs’ chicken bake and white chocolate cookies delivered to me for free every other day.

4) I want free makeup for no good reason.

5) I want a bottomless debit card. That doesn’t make sense but basically, I never want to run out of money.

6) I want to be the queen of my empire and that’s funny because of the next point.

7) I want to rent an apartment on the corner of a busy street in New York. Waking up to a beautiful view and the smell of coffee emanating from the Starbucks shop a few floors below. I want canvases and paint brushes and a loose bun, loose tank top, a high bench positioned right in front of my window so I could view the landscape in search of new inspiration for my next masterpiece. I want art.

6 Places

1) My bed – Forever comfortable.

2) New York – I’ve watched too many movies, I feel like this city would be home for me in my next life.

3) Spain

4) Paris – Parce que je voudrais voir enfin la ville de l’amour. To be completely honest, back in 2010 I conquered my extended French paper and I suddenly believed I could speak French. Now if I could speak French, why would I settle down with some Yoruba/Igbo speaking pot bellied man? I was going to run to Paris and find the love of my life so we could have little French babies and speak French forever malheureusement, je avais torte. Mais, my google translate game is still on point.

5) London – Only because I like the way ‘London Town’ sounds.

6) Bora bora – Honeymoon baby!

5 Foods

Rice

Rice

Rice

Maybe gala

And rice

4 Books

I’ve read too many to remember so I’ll just list 4 authors.

Jackie Collins

James Patterson

Sydney Sheldon

Ted Dekker

3 Films

Kingsman

The Notebook

The Vow

2 Songs

I’m going to cheat a little in this section. Mostly because the first video is really two songs but it’s one video so surely it must be allowed.

1 Picture of Yourself 

So this is the part where I put up a really attractive selfie. I thought of doing that but, my brain interpreted this in a different way. So, allow me to be queer and say that each time I look in the mirror, I seldom see the face of the girl in my selfies. I hardly see eyes or lips not to mention my nonexistent hips. What I see is a whirlwind of qualities, characteristics, past experiences and opportunities yet to be uncovered. It all looks like a random mix of attributes now but each day, I see distinct qualities that would definitely lead me to a successful future. So what exactly would a picture of this ‘me’ look like? It’s down below.

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That’s it guys 🙂

Love,

A

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Birthday Girl Or Nah?

Hey lovies,

Yes it’s another one of my make believe conversations with my imaginary fans. I joke I joke. I don’t believe in fans tbh I mean, nah that’s ridiculous. If you’re a frequent viewer and you like/love (this is me pushing it) the way I write then, I’m guessing you’re the one I’m having this conversation with.

Whoop so I’ve gone passed my not so sensible introduction and at this point I’m still thinking about what this post is supposed to eventually contain. Do I want to talk about morals? About lessons learnt? About emotions that can’t be overcome? About turning a year older? Ahhhhh guess what? ***drumroll***  YESSSS you guessed right young lady!

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY ‘BOUT A WEEK AGO WEEK AGO
TRUTH BE TOLD I THINK IM GETTING OLD GETTING OLD
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Oh yes yes, I’m the one turning a year older. How old am I? Woah you lot obviously haven’t heard about privacy yet but I’ll answer that because you’re all so amazing. I’m 21…for the third time in a row #21again #wemove #turndownforyourtuitionfees. 🙅🙅🙅

A few months ago, I had a weird conversation with one of the most amazing people in my life. It was their birthday but regardless, they seemed a bit odd and unhappy. Oh oh 🙇. Since I’m such an oversabbi, I had to ask why anyone would be remotely miserable on the day that everyone has no choice but to notice them. The reply I got was not only far from our regular banter but also shockingly insightful. It sounded something like ‘I feel like I haven’t grown in the past year of my life and it’s upsetting’ woah…let that sink in hunny.
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It just made me think about life and how our ideologies on so many basic things have changed. In primary school, birthdays were about having your picture taken, giving special party packs to your ride or dies and sharing cake to your friends while making the people who hated you jealous. In secondary school, it was pretty much the same thing only you got beaten up by your so called ride or dies. Annoying but, fun all the same. So that was primary school and high school but we really switched it up in college. These were the days where we expected…oh sorry…demanded our parents to give us extra money (for turnup) because obviously turning a year older was hardwork that we deserved to be rewarded for. Woah look how far we’ve all really come.

In university, everything changes. It’s a different bubble. There are no fences to cage us in. No boundaries. No safe zones. Just a bunch of underaged adults trying to sound, act and think smart. Somehow in between trying to think smart and juggling our social lives with academics and the real world, we become smart. We begin to see people. I mean, really see people through their actions and intentions. We begin to reflect. Begin to rethink our past beliefs on life. Rediscover new sides to take. We realize that there is no right or wrong, good or bad, black or white. We become smart and go from looking at other people’s lives judgmentally to looking at our lives and evaluating our own progress. And this is what I believe this friend of mine meant by growing as a person. It has nothing to do with physically bulking up or increasing in length (or inches..) but rather, progressing through life. Developing your character, maturing as the days go by, focusing on the right things and definitely knowing your priorities…growing as an individual.

So, it was my birthday and I wasn’t thinking about having my eyebrows on fleek for the night or how many people I wasn’t giving my number out to or how many bottles I planned on popping with money that I do not have. I was thinking about me. The person behind my distinctive afro, extremely awkward body and pretty average face. I’m thinking about how…people fall in love in mysterious ways. Okay I apologize for that excuse of a joke…that song has been on my mind from time.

Okay back to being semi serious, it’s been a year…and a ‘week ago week ago’ since my last birthday (obviously) and for a moment, I thought at this point  I’ll be miserable because despite popular beliefs, I almost always feel like in my life, there is no form of progression. It really only takes one downfall to mess up the way you look at yourself. Well regardless I was pretty excited. Excited to spend time with my amazing group of friends and excited because for the first time in a long time, I looked back at my journey through life so far and thought, wow you go girl! From academics to social life to life in general, I’ve managed to gain so much insight on reality as a whole. Managed to not just look at my mishaps and sulk but think about what it taught me and allow my lessons to influence my character.

This past year has actually allowed me to learn thing that have helped me deal with life in general like…

I’ve learned to see people in the way I see poetry; beautiful and complex, Interesting yet incomplete, abstract but yet with so much hidden meaning behind the way that they act, speak, dress and interact with members of the opposite sex. Prior to this moment, I used to think of what people have done and get angry or get happy but now I have no emotions towards people’s actions anymore..I’m just intrigued.

I’ve learned to be expressive. I laugh, I smirk, I cry, I frown, I ‘yimu’. I have found a way to create a mental library of like a hundred million facial expressions…I mean, who knew facial muscles were so versatile?

I’ve learned that God is all you need in this life of sin. Now you would think I’m a strongly rooted, church twice a week, pray 3 times a day, read my bible everyday type of person after reading that statement. Unfortunately, I’m not yet that spiritual. I try my hardest to go to church every Sunday and it’s just always beautiful to explore the bible and realize how much God loves us as well as uncover every promise that God has made to his children. I hope to be spiritual one day because each time I picture my marriage, I see my feet, as well as the feet of the man God has destined to be mine deeply rooted in the word of God.

I’ve learned that matters of the heart are never ever going to be straightforward. You might always want more or think you deserve less but at the end of the day, you have what you get and it’s really up to you to make it work. There are no maybe’s or if I had met you’s it’s just what it is.

Friends are absolutely everything guys. I don’t even know how to give this point a befitting explanation but there are times when I feel like nothing is going right and I just want to stay in bed with my duvet over my head, lights turned off and Adele in the background but people will make it their business to drag me out from underneath the covers and into the light. These people are always 100% there for me and I’ve never been so grateful.

I’ve grown to love love love my course guys. This is weird because I’ve hated school for the past four years but at this point in my life, I’m not half as confused in lectures (when I eventually attend), I’m starting to apply for summer internships involving research work even though I used to hate labs, I have a job! Like I’m so overwhelmed at this point in my life because last year I thought yeah I’ll just live off my pocket money. Well it’s hard to be so dependent now seeing as I only receive a quarter of what I would usually get…talk about recession. Also, finally finally finally…I know I’ve said this a million times but I genuinely believe I want to be a doctor. I mean what’s the point of studying medical biochemistry if the end point isn’t medical school? Okay that’s not a good enough reason to put on my personal statement but atleast I have an idea about what the next stage of my life may look like.

That’s all for now ladies and gentlemen

Love,

A

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Forgiveness.

Hey lovies,

For a long time I’ve carried hate in my heart. Hate for one of the closest people to me. You all must be thinking “wow hate? But you’re such a loving and forgiving soul”. Oh stop it guys, you really do flatter me ever so often. Anyway, I would stop myself from listening to music because I didn’t want it to remind me of anyone or any past experiences in the future. I thought ‘it’ was temporary hence, no memories. No remorse. Nothing.

This evil that I harbored within me was heavy. I was fond of remembering things and getting angry about it over and over again. Sometimes even in chronological order because my memory is just that good. It felt energy consuming and often, pointless but I had to hold on to my hate. I had to keep recollecting because if I didn’t…if I didn’t have anything negative to hold on to, I just might let myself feel happy and happiness is temporary right?. Happiness is always the interval between one depressing moment and another. The vacation you get between reoccurring sadness. I couldn’t let it go. It was too much. There was always this miserable day and that heartbreaking day. I would remember this moment and that moment. It was at this place and also that other place. You said these hurtful words and a few of those callous words. I couldn’t forget. Because if I forget. If I decided maybe to forget, I couldn’t use it in my defense again. If I forgot I might forgive and forgiveness too was temporary. The thing you do right before you realize the past still stirs up the same negative emotion. I would have to shut my mouth about the things that hurt me the most. My voice would not be heard and neither would the sound of my cries. I couldn’t forgive but, forgiveness was key and I needed to unbolt certain locks so I could be set free. 

I couldn’t forgive just as much as I couldn’t pass my igcse’s or leave my country at 14 for college. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t move on from my “was I blind’s” and my “I should have known better’s”. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t get into university or allow myself to feel emotions. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t breathe but each second I doubted my next breath, my chest will rise once more and my lungs will fill with air. I could do whatever I wanted to because Philippians 4:13 said to me, even though you think it’s impossible baby girl, you can forgive. 

On my road to redemption, I would sit through hours and hours of videos on YouTube about forgiveness. People would say they forgave someone who slapped me and I’ll scream ‘my situation was worse’ in my head; each time giving myself reason to continually accommodate the hate within me. After screaming back at my laptop, I would shamefully curl up in a ball and cry to my Maker for help. Only the grace of God can touch your heart, enlighten you and encourage one to want to forgive. I have come to realize that now.

Do I still do it? Do I still remember and feel negativity? Pretty much but, not really. If past memories come to my mind, I feel sad for a bit, shake my head and move on. I can’t stop my mind from drifting. Can’t stop things from reminding me of the evil I’ve gone through. However, I can always and forever change my reaction. 

In time, you realize that emotions change people; both good and bad. “It’s either love or hate” they say. In reality however, there is no black or white…no either or. There’s just grey and we get to decide what shade of grey makes us happy. I’ve chosen to have more love in my mixture than hate in my mixture and I honestly don’t remember the last time I was this happy. It’s a beautiful thing when you let yourself love because yes, you feel like you’ve found your forever and a day beyond. At the same time, it teaches you a lot of life lessons; patience, empathy, acceptance, selflessness, endurance…too many to mention really but it also teaches about forgiveness. It only took forgiveness to convert my worst enemy to my bestfriend and I’m overjoyed. 

The song above is just…I don’t have words for it. If however, I was blessed with a beautiful voice and the gift of song/lyrics writing, I would most likely put down those exact words and sing them like my life depended on it. Usually, a lot of the songs I fall in love with are songs that have one or two lines in them which reminds me of me or, someone else or, me and someone else. Y’know. Now it’s not just one or two lines it’s literally the whole song and I could just cry now. My best part as usual is the chorus especially ‘I’ve tried to numb the pain’.

From now till wherever God leads us

Love,

A&S

X

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WHO AM I? – AKUNNA

Dolly Writes

who-am-i2

Those that read my blog constantly probably already know who Akunna is. Writing brought us together and we have grown to be close friends who talk about almost anything. She is an outstanding writer and she is someone I love, respect and admire

WHO AM I?

Finding me

I’ve been on a quest to figure out who I am for quite some time now. Y’know, am I…
Emotional, not emotional?
Rude, compassionate?
Happy, sad?
Secretive, public?
Easy to read, evasive and difficult to figure out?

My journey wasn’t at all bad however the way that I came about it wasn’t particularly what I’ll recommend others to do. I have done all sorts of stupid things really. From spending over £200 at once on mac products (even though I knew nothing about makeup at the time) to diving deep into a relationship which I sort of lost myself in. Now, 200…

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Day 7. My Zodiac Sign And Me.

Woahhhh there horsey! This was supposed to be a 30 day challenge but somehow, I’m still on day 7 although I started this in January 2013. Am I lazy or what?

Today’s about what I think my zodiac sign says about me. I actually have a picture to show you. It’s such a random thing to see lying around but both my parents are Sagittarius so, I’ll assume they got this to represent them both in some weird way. See the thing is, everything on here is more or less a compliment and I don’t understand how only positive things could be said about a large group of individuals born in a certain time period. A lot of the words could describe me and plenty other people who may be Cancer or Scorpio or anything that isn’t Sagittarius. I just don’t believe in astrology so, not a lot can be said about this.

On a positive note, we could all sit and admire this old vintagey beat up piece of decoration. It’s hard to come by these now.

Love
Sagittarius A
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Why Judge?

imagesBack in highschool there used to be these wwjd bracelets meaning ‘What Would Jesus Do’. The idea was that if you looked at your band every now and again, your subconscious will automatically ask itself that question before acting. Too bad it didn’t work

I live in a society where people are judged by the price of their outfits. Where men who have defiled themselves with multiple women judge other girls for lip locking a few men. What will Jesus do? Jesus will not judge. And it’s amazing because the man in question is perfection. God the son is his human form was righteous and without sin. He did not lie, cheat, steal or kill yet, he never judged.

I believe we’ve all heard of the story which talked about the woman caught in adultery. The fact that the woman was portrayed as the only offender even though she needed a man to complete the activity personally annoys me. Anyway, she was judged for her offense and her penalty was death by stoning. What would Jesus do? Well, exactly what did Jesus did. He did not judge. My savior acknowledged her sin but at the same time, acknowledged the sin of the multitude. Let he that is without sin cast the first stone … (John 8:7) Silence.

Apart from this woman from John, the bible tells a few stories about sinners that the Lord used for his purpose rather than judge them for their sins. Moses, the very same man who led the people of Isreal out of Egypt killed somebody but still at the same time encountered God at the burning bush. He killed somebody but if born into this society, he would have been known as a murderer. Nothing but evil would have been spoken of him or his descendants however, The Lord used him. There were also the likes of Paul/Saul and Solomon and Jacob that really deserved to be ridiculed and judged and condemned but, The Lord did not judge. What would Jesus do?

What makes you believe that a sinner like you can judge a sinner like me when Jesus in his human form did not judge sinners? Jesus came for sinners..he came to show us the way and save us.

Matthew 7:1 clearly states ‘judge not so that ye will not be judged’ Hallelujah somebody. We go about our daily lives thinking that what we do is right. Hence if someone does something contrary to what we’re doing, they deserved to be judged. A man with a body count of 10 dares judge a woman with a body count half that of it. This thing called the double standard that humans now speak of does not however exist in the kingdom of God. She has her past and she might now be saved so, with you going about your usual immoral ways and judging someone else who has found Jesus, guess who will end up in hell in the end?

Go ye therefore and teach all nations. Matt 28:19. Not judge all nations, TEACH all nations. The word of God is very precise about what it expects of us. If you are judging a nation, you are disobeying the word of God. What then will it profit you to commit sin just so you can judge me for committing sin? Who exactly are there nations that we are supposed to teach? 1 peter 2:9 clearly tells us BUT ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a HOLY NATION….. I am the holy nation. The person you think you can judge is a holy nation that you should be teaching.

You cannot judge based on one’s dressing or physical appearance or eating habit or past. Just because you sit there wallowing in your mediocre life full of nothing but regret and lack of achievement does not mean others would like to do the same. Let he that is without sin cast the first stone. The stone of criticism. I dare you to cast your stone of judgement and condemnation while God is carefully looking down at you with disappointment.

I read an article on Linda Ikeji’s blog about a woman not loving her husband again. My initial reaction was pity. I thought about how she’ll not only have to marry a man that she does not love but, have children and stay forever as one with him. Then I thought of the reasons why I believed I didn’t love the young man that I was with at a point. Had he changed or was he just not the amazing person he acted like he was in the beginning? Had he lied to her and condemned her for attempting to lie but not going through with it? Had he ignored her when she was in a helpless and pain stricken state? Had he just been unable to show interest in her at all? Then I thought about what she could do to revive the love. I thought about her seeing a pastor concerning it. About God actually being the reason behind this loss of love..maybe their union was not His ultimate plan for either one of them.

While I was thinking of all of the above, I decided to scroll passed the comments section just to see other plausible reasons for this unfortunate discovery then I came across this…

“U didn’t finish d story my dear, tell us dat u r seeing another man datz y, u don’t love ur husband to be anymore, my advice to u is dis forget dat boy dat u r seeing and go ahead with u wedding as for love it will surely locate u two, but if u feel u want to break out bcos u don’t love ur man, many girls r waiting to love him so choose one”

Not only is this statement disrespectful, it is all shades of rude and judgmental. Why would your heart formulate such a lousy reason for such. She said she doesn’t love him again not she doesn’t find him attractive or something superficial.

This is the reason I hate the general mentality that Nigerians have. Especially Nigerian boys. How can you sit and accuse somebody of something of that sort? They sit and pass judgement. Make ignorant statements about situations and people that they do not understand. Nothing gets me angrier than the Nigerian mentality. Try reading through Linda Ikeji’s comment section on every semi-emotional post and you’ll understand what I mean. 90% of the comments consists of ignorant people eager to pass unsolicited and in most cases, close minded judgement on others.

What would Jesus do? Jesus will find a way to save a soul without passing condemning judgement. I cannot stress this enough. ‘The fear of The Lord is the beginning of wisdom’ and it is this wisdom that allowed Jesus to see the greater picture. Allowed him to act in the way that he did, accept people of all depths of evil and not judge the multitude. That wisdom is greater that any uncivil condemning statement that you have to say about anybody. Put a lock of your disdained judgmental lips because your words are just as evil as the deeds of those that you judge.

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February The 14th.

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I did one of these I hate valentine’s day posts last year around this time so, I’m here thinking ‘maybe I should make this into a series’ kind of like in Nigerian movies where a random male voice keeps screaming ‘watch out for part two’ at you. This might be yet another one of my ‘love sucks’ kind of posts because of the feeling I have in my gut.

Lately I’ve been mistreated, misplaced and misunderstood. Pushed to my elastic limit and beyond. I have been 50shades of miserable and felt everything but the dignity that I am entitled to as a human being. The eyes behind these words have familiarized themselves with the once foreign and salty substance that flows freely through them. The fingers behind this keyboard, raised up to God for vengeance and the heart… The heart that once beat in a rhythm soothing to the soul, one so calm yet, bringing forth happiness and a sense of self peace. The heart now beats in tune with its anger and fear as well as its elongated period of rejection. 

So, why have I told you my story which isn’t cool enough to put children to bed? I’m not entirely sure to be honest. All I know is that my mishaps have changed me in a way that I cannot fully comprehend. I’m now looking at the title of this post wondering why I’ve gone so off point. Anyway, I’ve come to realize that after every terrible situation, there’s always some sort of wonderful epiphany. I haven’t quite found mine yet but, I’ve been thinking lately and writing…thinking while writing. 

I have been thinking about my life past, present and future. The people in it, their mission in my life, my own mission in my life. Whether or not I’m holding on to something I really shouldn’t be. All the things I write about and how sometimes, I revisit them when I’m less troubled thinking ‘I don’t see why I thought this was so deep at the time’. Then I wonder if that’s what my beautiful readers think. It doesn’t bother me much because I believe that the eyes see only what the hands write while the heart is troubled. If you fail to see, you will never have the opportunity to understand and, that’s fine by me. As long as you’re happy and I’m happy…in a different generation or life time.

So what does February mean to me? Nothing really but most people refer to it as the month of love. Next week happens to be Valentine’s Day and so many girls are looking forward to it; your girlfriend, your side chick, the person you’ve been leading on in the past few months. A lot of men obviously don’t value this day but trust me, if you disappoint, you too will be disappointed in the days following that. 

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I came across this picture {above} the other day and it seemed funny at first because it reminded me of one of my situations. Then I looked at it again thinking ‘wow’. It made me realize that there are men in this world who treat their women like faulty, used instruments. Men who neglect, maltreat and use the women that they have been blessed with. That however isn’t the touching part. I started to think about the women in these situations. The virtuous woman, the praying wife and the enduring girlfriend.

How is this relevant to Valentine’s Day? Well honestly, it isn’t but, I’m going to make it relevant…I hope. According to the picture, these men don’t care and truth is, the women already know this. Despite the ill treatment and the pain and the buildup of hate, disgust and regret(I’m assuming here), the women stay. They stay to fight. Stay to conquer. Stay to cry in hope that one day, laughter will wipe away their tears. Most importantly, they stay to love a lot more than they hate. If women in unbearable situations (which I do not approve of) still stand for and believe in love, then it must be real. Hmm.

I actually came here to condemn this emotion that humans are so quick to associate themselves with. I was so eager to rat out my hate for the idea of love. Couldn’t wait to find a way to connect love with lies, caring to ignorance and happiness to self deceit. I was more ready than ever but, I got told something once by my support system at the time (4 years ago). He said sitting beside me, in front of a pole ‘if I got asked which was more real to me; this pole right here that we can both see and love, I would always choose love. Such deep words coming from a 15 year old. I was completely taken aback. 

I understand that this thing called love may not work out for half of us. At least it’s real and we could all have a shot at it. If and when it goes sour, just pour it down the sink like you do with your milk. I’ve heard of adventurous love, captivating love, reckless love and one that has recently been used on me by my warrior of a friend…calm love. I have a spirit young as the new born’s, a heart the diameter of the earth and the mind of an adventurer. I cannot wait till the day I get to experience all types of love. The day I fall hopelessly and stupidly in love, fiddle around a bit in the mess that I painfully fell in, wrap myself up in a dark corner, transition into an even more beautiful creature and fly right out of the love hole that I fell in with my new wings. Sounds painful but I believe there’s no reward in loving if you have no pain or regrets or lessons learned. 

I found a quote by Daphne Rae about loving until it hurts 
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
I like the idea of the absence of hurt. Imagine not feeling pain, an all too familiar feeling for me. I’m beginning to sound naive.

Now it is common fact that it’s very painful to wait for something that isn’t waiting for you. So, I hope that the beautiful soul I’m waiting to fall deeply in love with is sitting somewhere anticipating the day they get to fall just as hard for me. I pray the same for my amazing readers…Amen? 

I’ve always hated the 14th of February since day one. I wouldn’t wish anybody happy nothing. Once I got wished happy valentine’s day by someone I emotionally hurt in a bad way. I should have believed then but, I didn’t think too much about it. Last year, I wore all black. Also got pestered by some guy that I couldn’t care less about while I was nonexistent for that day by the person I believed I fancied…haha petty boys, always trying to find ways to not spend the little money that they don’t have and I personally don’t need. This year, for the hopeless women that still believe in love, I too have become a believer. I’m even going to look forward to the beautiful flowers and romantic box of chocolates that I will be surprising myself with next week.

I’m going to end this with a line from drake’s rap in fireworks. He said
“I want to witness love, I never seen it close”
Must be a beautiful thing to experience so, I’ll try again. First try, second try, third try, BLISS. Right?

Love,
Hopelessly romantic and naive A
x

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They Don’t Understand.

The walls are echoing and everybody’s asking. What do you see in him? Why would you stoop so low? But they don’t understand. They fail to reason. Fail to think. Fail to ridicule such mystery that the world has presented before us. They don’t know that beneath our elastic germ ridden skin, tough contracting muscles and through calcium filled bones as strong as concrete lies something that science cannot explain. Something that psychologists may refer to as ‘the subconscious’. Something that Christians call ‘the soul’. Beneath the physical form and all of what society considers attractive lies something greater. They don’t understand. From the beginning of the world, my world, I was pushed into thinking that people were created to be judged by others based on their outer appearance. The way they talked, walked, dressed. Everything else was more than unnecessary. Character was not taken into consideration. I was pushed to be a part of the society and that’s what I grew up to become. One of them. But they don’t understand that the meanest demons are transported to earth and covered up with muscles so firm, a face so well structured, lips as soft as petals, eyes so evil yet, unbelievably attractive. They don’t understand. In the past I’ve been hurt and tormented and betrayed by the physically beautiful but spiritually repugnant beings. Everyone yearns for a flamboyant partner just so the world can see. So they can show off. But life isn’t so and they don’t understand.

They don’t understand that beyond what they consider ugly lies a beautiful soul waiting its equal to nurture it, protect it, encourage it to shine so bright. It’s something so fragile. Something that needs attention but, they don’t understand. What do you see in him? You’re too pretty for such. Pretty? What exactly is pretty? I live in a world where the meanings of words are dynamic depending on the context, the situation, the user. So please remind me once more what it means to be ’too pretty’ for someone. Because I believe in beauty and I’m not talking about the simple artistic display which we all refer to as faces in this day. I’m not talking about the way said person walks or runs or flies. I’m talking about character; the only real way to differentiate between the mindless zombies that roam the earth(humans). I’m talking about tone; the amplitude which he chooses to speak in and the softness of his carefully selected words. I’m talking about compassion; sympathizing with others and making sure everyone else is comfortable. I’m talking about aura; the way he moves, his well calculated steps all in attempt to avoid bumping into people. I’m talking about the curve on ones’ lips; I believe the English word is ‘smile’. Somehow, the spirit has deciphered a way to communicate with the outside world without having to speak; the warmth that radiates from just one smile; the good intentions, the will to make others happy. I’m talking about the simple things but, they don’t understand because all the attention is fixated on ones’ outward appearance.

I’ve found beauty in the midst of all the ugliness but, they refuse to understand. Can you not see that beauty only evades the real beast in people? ‘The beautiful beast in me’ a confused girl once said. I failed to comprehend at the time but, now I do. Regardless of how one may look, I’m ready to give it a chance. I’m ready to discover the beauty that lies within this abandoned old book. What happened to ‘Never judge a book by its cover’? What happened to ‘dare to be different’? What happened to humanity? What happened to us? What happened to ‘Vanity upon vanities, all is vanity’? I’m beginning to quote bible verses and they don’t understand why because they’ve become duplicates of the society that I fear. The society that I am constantly fleeing from. The society which sets rules and standards that even its members cannot achieve. They have become a part of the society that will never understand.

They don’t understand why I hold hands with social rejects or choose to converse with facially impaired people. They don’t understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but character stands as a universal indicator. They don’t understand that our physical form will eventually fade and then, we’ll have nothing to display except our humanity. I’m sat in my own little corner being bombarded with questions. Tormented by the choices I’ve made. Judged based on my decision to look beyond the physical. I’m beginning to question myself too. ‘He’s nothing but different’ different different different different . What do you see in him? What do I see in him? Don’t you mean what do I see ON him? His nose? lips? eyes? teeth? Is he attractive? Then everywhere goes silent. The silence darkens my vision and my line of thoughts. For some reason, I love him. They don’t understand this phenomenon and neither do I.

Love,

A

x

Posted on

February, The Month Of Love?…Love?

Wow it’s February already and a lot of people refer to this month as ‘The month of love’. I’ve never experienced love per say but, this post is about A, not me. Love? Hmm, I am unaware of the meaning of that word. I’m not talking about the definition because I could just get that off any random dictionary. Today’s post today is concentrated solely on love. Feel free to correct me if I misunderstand the meaning of the word or even the effect of love on humans. I am but a learner in this category.

Dear lovies,

Hi, my name is A. A for anonymous. A for a girl. A for a hopeless romantic. A for anything but perfect. My friends call me ‘A’, my family calls me ‘A’, random people that claim to know me call me ‘A’ so, ofcourse, you may call me ‘A’. That’s all you have to know about me, for now. As an anonymous girl who is hopelessly romantic and far from perfect, I have a lot of fantasies about falling in love. It’s disgusting really but, I did not choose the love-struck thug life, the love-struck thug life chose me.

Once upon a time (Why are you reading the rest of the story without saying ‘time time’?!), I got asked ‘A, how far your love life now?’ All I could manage to say was ‘my nonexistent love life is a joke’. Forever alone lomo. It was a joke at the time and, I actually said it to someone that I fancied…fancy. A while later, I thought about that statement. About what exactly it was that hindered me from changing that situation. About what I wanted from love; this strong, powerful and passionate word which I knew nothing about. Then I came up with a few ideas of what I thought love entailed. Actions, Words, Privileges and Positive Emotions. They’re all a bit over the top because I watch a lot of romantic movies and read a lot of romantic books. I am fully aware of the fact that movie relationships are all fiction but, it’s a lot more interesting to read about than the real thing.

All the things I said above are just to add bulk to this post haha, I apologize. Please do read on. I’m going to start writing in third person so as to make this sound a lot less personal but first, I’ll provide the definition of ‘Love’

“Love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions.” NO LIMITS OR CONDITIONS

For A however, love is a feeling that she doubts she will ever feel.  It’s always been something so farfetched and things haven’t quite changed. Something she thinks she wants but might not get right now. A wants to feel love, to understand what it means. She wants to run in the park hand in hand with the one that she’s emotionally attached to. She’d love to keep half of her clothes in her lovers’ home. To be able to say any and everything to the one that she loves. A doesn’t want much. She just wants to be normal. She wants to know that she can be normal. She wants to know that there’s nothing wrong with her emotionally rather than physically. She desperately searches for the man that will look beyond her physical appearance. Attractive as she may or may not be, she believes that there’s more to her and she’s yet to find anyone that is interested in the ‘more’ bit. She’s looking for depth; something deeper than mere lust or infatuation. A wants to fall in love…to fall deeply in love. To have someone to call her emotional rock, someone she can depend on, someone to trust forever and ever. She wants to feel this imaginary connection. To be able to kiss her lover whenever and however and wherever she wants. She wants to be off the market. To be able to speak to the same person for months without one dull moment. She wants to fall hopelessly in love. The ‘ IDGAF about tomorrow, all that matters today is that I love my man and he loves me’ kind of love. Or, as Alicia Keys put is, “that off the wall won’t stop till I get enough kind of love”. A wants surprises and cute messages and unexpected kisses and reckless love making. She wants beautiful poems and ridiculously cute stories about her love affair. She wants to listen to happy love songs and have her thoughts drift off to her one and only. She wants to go to bad and wake up in the arms of her lover. To kiss her baby first thing in the morning and think of how happy his presence has made her rather than the amount of bacteria that is being introduced into her buccal cavity. To arise come morning grateful to God for the partner he’s blessed her with. She wants to happily stare at the beautiful creature lying down beside her; overcoming the urge to caress his face. She wants to forget what being lonely feels like. To be able to turn ‘runzerz’ and numerous “P’s”down with justification. She wants to feel requited love, passion and need. She wants the world to see the love emanating from her and her lover.

So, now that we’ve concluded that A is the biggest dreamer on earth, I’d like to tell you a few things that she’s prepared to embrace.

The painful arguments, the crack in her heart when her lover is mad at her. She wants to be on the verge of tears when it seems like her relationship is coming to an end. She wants to feel like an overcomer when things eventually work out. She wants the real deal, all of it. Most of all, she wants to stop fantasizing about something she doubts she’ll ever have. Tell A it’s okay to dream a little.

Love,

A’s other half

x

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