February, The Month Of Love?…Love?

Wow it’s February already and a lot of people refer to this month as ‘The month of love’. I’ve never experienced love per say but, this post is about A, not me. Love? Hmm, I am unaware of the meaning of that word. I’m not talking about the definition because I could just get that off any random dictionary. Today’s post today is concentrated solely on love. Feel free to correct me if I misunderstand the meaning of the word or even the effect of love on humans. I am but a learner in this category.

Dear lovies,

Hi, my name is A. A for anonymous. A for a girl. A for a hopeless romantic. A for anything but perfect. My friends call me ‘A’, my family calls me ‘A’, random people that claim to know me call me ‘A’ so, ofcourse, you may call me ‘A’. That’s all you have to know about me, for now. As an anonymous girl who is hopelessly romantic and far from perfect, I have a lot of fantasies about falling in love. It’s disgusting really but, I did not choose the love-struck thug life, the love-struck thug life chose me.

Once upon a time (Why are you reading the rest of the story without saying ‘time time’?!), I got asked ‘A, how far your love life now?’ All I could manage to say was ‘my nonexistent love life is a joke’. Forever alone lomo. It was a joke at the time and, I actually said it to someone that I fancied…fancy. A while later, I thought about that statement. About what exactly it was that hindered me from changing that situation. About what I wanted from love; this strong, powerful and passionate word which I knew nothing about. Then I came up with a few ideas of what I thought love entailed. Actions, Words, Privileges and Positive Emotions. They’re all a bit over the top because I watch a lot of romantic movies and read a lot of romantic books. I am fully aware of the fact that movie relationships are all fiction but, it’s a lot more interesting to read about than the real thing.

All the things I said above are just to add bulk to this post haha, I apologize. Please do read on. I’m going to start writing in third person so as to make this sound a lot less personal but first, I’ll provide the definition of ‘Love’

“Love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions.” NO LIMITS OR CONDITIONS

For A however, love is a feeling that she doubts she will ever feel.  It’s always been something so farfetched and things haven’t quite changed. Something she thinks she wants but might not get right now. A wants to feel love, to understand what it means. She wants to run in the park hand in hand with the one that she’s emotionally attached to. She’d love to keep half of her clothes in her lovers’ home. To be able to say any and everything to the one that she loves. A doesn’t want much. She just wants to be normal. She wants to know that she can be normal. She wants to know that there’s nothing wrong with her emotionally rather than physically. She desperately searches for the man that will look beyond her physical appearance. Attractive as she may or may not be, she believes that there’s more to her and she’s yet to find anyone that is interested in the ‘more’ bit. She’s looking for depth; something deeper than mere lust or infatuation. A wants to fall in love…to fall deeply in love. To have someone to call her emotional rock, someone she can depend on, someone to trust forever and ever. She wants to feel this imaginary connection. To be able to kiss her lover whenever and however and wherever she wants. She wants to be off the market. To be able to speak to the same person for months without one dull moment. She wants to fall hopelessly in love. The ‘ IDGAF about tomorrow, all that matters today is that I love my man and he loves me’ kind of love. Or, as Alicia Keys put is, “that off the wall won’t stop till I get enough kind of love”. A wants surprises and cute messages and unexpected kisses and reckless love making. She wants beautiful poems and ridiculously cute stories about her love affair. She wants to listen to happy love songs and have her thoughts drift off to her one and only. She wants to go to bad and wake up in the arms of her lover. To kiss her baby first thing in the morning and think of how happy his presence has made her rather than the amount of bacteria that is being introduced into her buccal cavity. To arise come morning grateful to God for the partner he’s blessed her with. She wants to happily stare at the beautiful creature lying down beside her; overcoming the urge to caress his face. She wants to forget what being lonely feels like. To be able to turn ‘runzerz’ and numerous “P’s”down with justification. She wants to feel requited love, passion and need. She wants the world to see the love emanating from her and her lover.

So, now that we’ve concluded that A is the biggest dreamer on earth, I’d like to tell you a few things that she’s prepared to embrace.

The painful arguments, the crack in her heart when her lover is mad at her. She wants to be on the verge of tears when it seems like her relationship is coming to an end. She wants to feel like an overcomer when things eventually work out. She wants the real deal, all of it. Most of all, she wants to stop fantasizing about something she doubts she’ll ever have. Tell A it’s okay to dream a little.

Love,

A’s other half

x

Day 5. A time I thought about ending my own life.

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This is too deep. I’ve never actually thought of ending my life for two reasons
1) There may be so many things wrong with my life but, not everything is wrong. I like to focus on the positive parts of my life and stay grateful for them. It’s never about the negatives. +I’m just awesome. People would miss me if I took my life away. The world will mourn a great loss. Why would I do that to 7 billion people? I’m not that cruel.
2) I was brought up believing that I don’t own my life. That my soul belongs to God so, he’d take it when he wants. Killing myself would be a sin and that’ll put me on a straight train to hell. Mandems don’t want to burn in hell y’know.

Suicide is actually so extreme. I mean, even when I get minor cramps, I rummage through my things in frantic search for aspirin just so I don’t feel pain. Stabbing myself or hanging myself or taking drugs or jumping off a building is too much pain for me to bear. I could never.

A few months ago, during the lowest point of my life, I only ever considered not being there for a moment. Maybe a day or a week. Just taking a break from life. Running away. Sleeping for a week. I never even consider slipping into a coma for a few days talk less of completely ending my life.

My life is a beautiful gift which I received for free. I’ve got so many opportunities available to me. Loads of beautiful friends. An annoying family that brings drama to my life. People I care about and people that care about me. Lives to make a positive impact on and marks to make on the world. Also, my ‘Once Upon A Time’ love story is just about to begin. That’s enough for me to love my life and live cautiously and well as carefree until one day, I’m not here, on earth anymore.

Don’t ever think of ending your own life. It’s more important than the problems you’re going through.

Love
Far from suicidal A
X

Day 4. My views on religion.

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I actually had this conversation with my very special Mr Emzz a few weeks ago. Give me 5 minutes while I look through our chat so, I don’t end up saying the exact opposite of what I told him. See, Mr Emzz really is special to me and incase a spirit leads him to my blog(tufiakwa), I wouldn’t want him to read this post and think I’m a liar.

I can’t be asked to go through our chat, I was just typing dust there but, my thoughts about religion probably hasn’t changed in the past few weeks.

Like almost every other thing I say about myself, it may be hard to believe that I am a devoted Christian. I read my bible, my open heavens and pray. You’d hear me praying and be scared but like every other Christian, I sin in multiple ways. I’m not perfect so don’t judge me.

So, as I was saying, I’m Christian and, Christianity for me is a way of life rather than a religion. It’s about the things you say, the way you act, the things you do, how you treat the people around you and it’s accordance the word of God. All the word of God instructs us to do is to live noble and blameless lives. To treat everyone equally. To love and act out of love. You don’t have to be Christian to do any of the above. I cannot judge a human being based on their religion. I cannot judge a human being at all (Matthew 7:1) but, if given the right to, I’d judge people based on their lifestyle. I believe that a man is who they are based on the contents of their heart. Whether or not you have a religion is none of my business. I’d rather have pagans as friends than hypocrite Christians.

I was brought up in a Christian family. I always went to church early, was ever present in Sunday school, I would always contribute, memorise multiple passages from the bible, I was a devoted choir member even. Today, I’m not as committed as I was but, I’m still deep in the Christianity belief and I love to know that I could always depend on my creator. That’s what I grew up believing so, that’s who I have grown to become. That’s for me though and, it doesn’t have to be the same for everyone. I mean, being with Christians is cool ’cause we supposedly have the same views and beliefs and a similar way of life. There is however, conflict between the different branches of Christianity. The Reedeem people don’t believe praying through Mary will get you anywhere close to God. Catholics may not entertain the idea of singing and clapping in Gods’ presence. Deeper life despise the concept of having birthday parties. Mountain on fire are way too religious. Anglicans just seem in between. There’s just so much confusion and arguments between the various groups. Religion has become something close to a political debate. Christians are constantly trying to prove that their method of worship is the best. Am I supposed to support this?

The book of Proverbs compares two groups of people. The righteous men and the wicked men. It doesn’t say the men with religion and the men without religion. So, I looked up the meaning if righteous just to back me up here.

‘Morally right or justifiable’

I know the same bible says things like
“Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3)
As well as
“Go ye therefore and teach all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit’ (Matt 28:19)in other words, bring others to Christ and the likes of that. That’s for another post anyway. It also speaks about the fruit of the spirit which, as a Christian we should have. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Humility and Self control. I know a lot of Christians including myself who don’t even posses all those qualities. How then do we deserve to feel superior to people with other beliefs when we don’t even practice what we believe in?

I haven’t been fortunate enough to come across a lot of Muslims in my life but, I know a number of noble Muslims. You’d look at them and wouldn’t be able to spot a single fault in them. In terms of the things they say and the way the act to people. They have a different belief to me but, they seem to have a similar way of life. My bestfriend is actually Muslim and aside from the fact that we have different religions, we always always have the same opinion about certain life issues and the possible solutions. It’s constant occurrences like this that makes me realize that the way people act has very little to do with their religion but rather, their beliefs, the things that they value or consider a priority as well as their virtues and what they deem morally right. Does it make sense for one to claim to only like Muslims and Christians? Shall they expand the love a bit and add ‘Hindus’ to the list?

I’m beginning to see the similarities between religion and political parties./Campaigns. Like different religious groups are trying to captivate the heart of the people by making promises and giving out suiveners. In Nigeria, they could be related to brooms and umbrellas(AKA h’umblera). They all speak of miracles and a change in one’s heart rending situation but, even the bible says ‘Heaven helps those who help themselves’. Religion isn’t going to help you get that job or that guy/girl or that degree. I hate how people are constantly looking for a way to classify the mass. Black and white. Tall and short. Fat and skinny. Virgins and non virgins. Christianity and Islam(I apologise if I haven’t mentioned your own religion. I only really know about two so, forgive my ignorance)

In summary, I think that religion is only important to those who have one. It’s encouraging to believe that an all knowing spirit is aware of your situation and is going to see you through it and elevate you. However, if you don’t believe then, you just don’t believe. Religion doesn’t define anyone. It’s about the things that they do and if one acts noble and isn’t deliberately froward then, nothing else matters.

Love
Nonjudgmental A
X

Day Three. My Views On Drugs And Alcohol.

Day Three. My Views On Drugs And Alcohol.

Drugs.

The hour of judgement is here. I don’t feel right talking about this for so many reasons but, I shall, I will, I must prevail.

As a doctor in the making, I feel the need to give a definition of drugs.

“A substance or other preparation used for the treatment or prevention of disease”

That definition looks too complicated, I didn’t even bother reading it. To me, drugs are anything that makes you feel better; medicinal or not. If weed makes you feel better then, weed is your drug. For me, love is my drug.

I don’t believe in judging people so, I can’t really say “Drugs are of the devil” or “Only agbero’s take drugs” or anything of that nature. I’m not a druggie, I refuse to venture into that side of life but at the same time, I don’t look down on people who do. We are not aware of why people take drugs or what they’re going through. They might be depressed or frustrated. Different people have different ways of dealing with their problems.

I hate to draw a conclusion about people based on one single action but rather on the underlying reason or their intentions. Meanwhile, is weed classified under drugs?(Not like anyone will answer that. Bless you shy readers). Drug use is only a problem to me when one is hooked on it. When it begins to mess with your brain. When professional help is needed.

I haven’t really done a good job giving my views on drugs but, all I have to say is that I don’t think it’s particularly wrong but at the same time, I can’t be friends with people that take drugs regularly. Neither can I be with someone that takes drugs.

Alcohol.

If you did secondary school chemistry, you will know that alcohol is nothing but a two carbon chain hydrocarbon with an ‘H’ group being replaced by an ‘OH’ functional group. I fail to see the harm in that. I mean both alpha and beta glucose have an ‘oh’ group on them. Then again, so does Benzene and that’s harmful. They have different structures so, as a biochemist, I shouldn’t really compare both of them.

I personally don’t have a problem with alcohol. I hear people constantly condemning others that drink or get drunk occasionally and, it makes me frown. I never frown so, that’s how bad it is. The world needs to understand that there is a difference between people who drink and alcoholics. For me, alcohol is….hmmm. I’m trying hard not to say anything that’ll jeopardize my future. Wouldn’t want any silly scandals later in life if I end up being famous.

Alcohol could be some people’s drug as it allows you to forget about the pain and the hurt and all of those rubbish emotions just for a while. That’s all some people need sometimes. You think people like the bitter taste of that shit? If I need vodka to have fun, get rid of my nerves and forget about my series of unfortunate events for one night then, vodka is what I will have. You can sit back and judge me all you want but, that would never make you a better person. There’s nothing wrong as long as you’re not a drunkard. Using our children’s school fees to buy scotch and Jägerbomb ? Nah br’uh.

Love,
Drinky Drinky A
X

Like You Don’t Even Know Me.

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My palms are sweaty
My lips dry
I can’t help the way I feel
I really do try
My heart is racing
My Blood pressure, rising
My pulse is escalating
My pupils, dilating
The world is moving around in circles
Everything seems blurry
I couldn’t care less about what’s going on in my surroundings
There’s earphones in both ears
On my frail body, a pretty dress
Life should be easy however, can’t help but stress
I feel scared
Afraid
Fearful of the unknown
This however, may be excitement
Despite my feeling of resentment
I’m confident then confused
I’m happy then, unamused
Aimlessly walking the streets thinking about you
I’m beginning to see this type of love as a disease
Hopefully it isn’t like diabetes, one without a cure
My body is agitating
My mind, perambulating
The different memories I have of you
I can’t tell which is real and which are my fantasies
I’m thinking of the possibilities
In my mind, carefully calculating all the probabilities
First I have to take into consideration, all of my insecurities
Then the things that I posses which are on your list of preferences
This is lame, this is stupid
I’m becoming obsessive
I should pull myself together but I’m so worried
I just don’t want you to blindly walk past me on the street
Like we’re just mere acquaintances
Mere associates
Like you don’t even know me

Love,
A
X

Day two Where I’d like to be in 10 years..

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This is hard to answer to be honest. Now you would think that after having been through primary school, high school and alevels that, I would know, without doubt where I’d want to be 10 years from now. That is very far from the truth.

I used to know exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it and how long it would take me to do it. The plan was to go to America, do a foundation year, get into uni for premed at 15, get into medschool, get out at 23, get married to my beautiful mixed race god at 25, have 8 children, live in a castle with my beautiful family and have a ‘happily ever after’ ending. Ho Ho Ho. I was mistaken. I ended up in England and, so many things went wrong. I’m still on the biochemistry-medicine route but…

I apologise for not finishing the last paragraph. I was afraid of getting too deep. Anyway, I’ve had to change my plans for the future so many times that, I’ve given up on making specific plans. I know what I want to be which is ‘happy’ but, where I want to be isn’t very clear to me. I think I’m scared of making plans and being so hopeful only for me to be disappointed…again.

Regardless, I’ll still write about where I’d be happy to be 10 years from now.

In ten years time, I trust that God will allow me to have been through with biochemistry and medicine. As well as my two years of foundation(internship). I also believe that as I’d be 28, I wouldn’t be as single and lonely as I am right now (I’m actually not lonely but..). I want to be married. Maybe not with kids but, with someone. I’d like to be a junior doctor training to be a neurosurgeon. I don’t care about where I live or where I work or how wide my social circle would be or who exactly it is that I’d be married to but, I just care about my career and how much I would have achieved for myself by then.

This is extremely short for me but, that’s roughly where I’d like to be 10years from now but, God could change it all. I just have to stay believing that it’ll all work out for my good. (Romans 8:28)

Love,
Career Oriented A
X

Day 1 Current relationship status. Discuss this single life.

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I have a feeling people are interested in my reply to this question only because I always write about ‘my love’. Hmmmm. Now who exactly is my love? Some guy I’m obsessed with or my boyfriend? Is A in a relationship? Does she even fancy the idea of commitment? Does she have the qualities of a girlfriend? Does she have potential suitors? Is she a victim of unrequited love? Is she too unattractive to captivate the attention of any of the boys she has encountered? Is she a lesbian? Is she really a girl?! Why am I talking about myself in third person? Omg omg I know something that you don’t know. Unfortunately, you’ll find out in the next few paragraphs so, you’ll know exactly what I know and, this wouldn’t be fun anymore 😦

I had to glance up at the title again to be sure that this post actually answers the question. I happen to be an expert at going off point in almost everything I write. Essays, blog posts, cards, even when I’m speaking. Funny enough, I’m beginning to go off point again.

So I’m on my 3rd paragraph and I haven’t answered the question *glances back at title*. I happen to have a distinct relationship status. For normal people, you’re either in a relationship or single . To me, that sounds like ‘you’re either in bondage or lonely and miserable’ and, I am neither to be honest. I’m actually a bit of both which makes me special. Not crazy or weird but, special. I am in a relationship with someone who isn’t really aware of our relationship. This way, I’m off the market but, I’m not in bondage. At the same time, I’m semi-single. I’ve got the beeeeest of both worlds jenebdksjsu then I rock out the show. Yurrrr. All you have to do is like someone that’ll never return the favour. It’s simple really.

I have a feeling a lot of you have now concluded that I am a nut case and, I don’t blame you. However, if you knew me you’d know that I’ve been yarning dust in the past 3 paragraphs. I am single and ready to mingle with all the beautiful boys in the world.

This is the part where I’m supposed to discuss the single life and the reason why I made up all that nonsense in the beginning. I’ll tell you a secret now…I have been single all my life so, I can’t really “discuss the single life”.But, shh don’t tell anyone cause more often than none, it pushes boys away. No one wants a jjc(Johnny just come AKA a learner) in the relationship sector. It’s almost like making a fresh graduate the MD of a company.I’ll just tell you about my life. An example of the single life.

Being single allows me to do anything I like, whenever I like and with whoever I like. I can shake hands with whichever boy I want to(I don’t really mean shake hands btw ^_^), go partying in the middle of the night and ‘gnird’ all the boys in the club if I fancy, Flirt flirt flirt. It’s ridiculously fun. Whoo! Being single removes the guilt that is almost always present when talking to people of the opposite sex. I could have a few boys on my case, probably leading them on but, still flirting with another hot mixed race boy and, I wouldn’t feel guilty one bit. The plan is to have as many ‘runzers’ as possible. I’m single right? Why limit yourself to like only one boy? Why flirt with only one boy? Why go out on dates with only one boy? Why kiss only one frog? Why restrict yourself? People in relationships believe that single people are having the time of their lives so, we might as well make it seem like we are. Go single people! We are great, oh yes we are! Me, I’m having fun sha I don’t know about the rest of you.

However great I have made my single life seem, there will always be setbacks, cons, disadvantages. The thing is, I love my single life up until I start liking someone. It is only then that I begin to notice all the cute couples on the street and long for my very own emotional rock. Someone to lean on when I’m weak. Someone that’s more than just my friend. Someone to call whenever I like. Someone I can kiss any and everywhere. Someone to call me his. Someone I can call mine. Someone I am sure about. Someone that makes me laugh when I’m miserable. Someone I want to talk to about all my never ending problems. Someone older to always look out for me. Someone to help me grow emotionally. Someone smart that could bestow upon me his knowledge. Someone that I’ll be scared of losing. Someone that knows me and loves me regardless. Someone I know and love unconditionally. Someone, anyone. I am all for love. In love with the idea of being in love. It’s crazy really. I’ll begin to want dates and deep conversations and flowers and chocolates and strawberries and champagne and slow music and bare skin contact and hot baths and rose petals and hardcore mmmmm. I’m starting to fantasise now.

The point is, despite the fact that I have failed to experience life in a relationship, I still yearn for the romantic gestures. I long for the life of commitment. I dream of arguing with the love of my life and running back to apologise for fear of losing him. I want to leave my single life behind but, I am overcome by a fear of the unknown. I don’t know if that’s why the single people reading my blog are still single, I can only speak for myself. I also don’t know if I have answered the question in the title. I doubt that would shock any of my frequent readers though. But, I have managed to summarize how my single life really is. I cannot compare or contrast between the single life and life in a relationship because I’ve never had the nerve to jump over that single-relationship fence or, walked through the doors of love and commitment. I’m not sure if that’s bad or not. I mean, I’m not 20 yet so there’s still plenty of time to look for husband (I’m beginning to sound like my mum with all this husband talk). The single life is the only life I’ve ever known, it’s what I’m used to so,can’t let it bother me.

Now, I have to work on ‘Day two’ hmph

Love,
Ever Single A
X