Bystander.

You’ve forgotten how to be strong and I’ve been there,
I’ve been here,
I’ve been everywhere in between strong and weak,
Victory and defeat,
The will to live and a deep longing for death to open up her arms and embrace me.
So I understand,
The sudden rush of emotions.
You’re not sad, you’re just going through the motions.
This unwanted rollercoaster.
It gets better then worse,
First a moment of joy and then a pang of pain.
The oh so familiar transition from depression to happiness.
You’re so used to this cycle, it’s both a blessing and a curse.
I can’t tell you how to progress,
Not while it hurts,
Not while it breaks my heart to watch you deal with your broken heart.

A.

How Long Is He Staying?

You prepare a banquet within yourself
For these men to attend.
Still, I don’t judge you,
I am not here to pretend
Like these aren’t mistakes we’ve all made
Or the pathway to redemption is clear as day.
They do not deserve you,
Not in this way.
And I know it’s tempting to argue
Because he was better than the previous
But aren’t they all still so devious?
Haven’t they all been so pretentious?
It kills me to watch you starve yourself,
Just to quench his thirst
While you put his selfish desires first
Failing to reconsider
Your reasons for wanting to be thinner,
Shorter, funnier, more of a looker.
Yes! He is physically here
But my love,
How long is he staying?

A.

PSA: November.

Hey lovies!

Can you believe it’s November already? Because I can’t. Time really flies when you’re living your best life haha.

A few years ago, my mum popped out a beautiful girl who was destined for greatness and I bet she thanks God everyday for choosing her to conceive such a gem. If you haven’t figured it by now, I am that gem. I would assume you all know my birthday seeing as I come up with an outstanding birthday post each November. At this point I’m asking myself what the actual purpose of this post is too. Read on…

November is always a reflective month for me because I believe personal growth is crucial in unlocking your full potential. It is only through reflecting that I can evaluate my growth curve in the past year and then decide on areas in which I’d like to improve on. To be honest, I continuously assess my character, thoughts and actions with each passing day but it’s a lot deeper closer to my birthday.

Usually I only look back a year however, this year’s completely different. My growth curve between 2016 and 2017 definitely has a steeper gradient than all of my other growth curves combined and like McDonald’s, I’m loving it. I’m a whole new person with a completely different outlook on life. It’s almost like I don’t know the person I was before 2017.

As a way of reflecting this month (and also allowing myself to be lazy by not writing new posts), I’m going to be posting 7 poems over the next few weeks. These are really special poems to me because they were featured on Metrolife234.com, a Nigerian online magazine. Also because I wrote them during trying times and at a point where happiness was an unfamiliar entity. It is so amazing to look back at the pieces I wrote three years ago and be proud of the art I created when my circumstances didn’t encourage creativity. Am I allowed to call myself talented? 🤔

That’s all for now!
I hope you enjoy the rest of November. If anyone needs me, I’d be on my bed cringing at the situations where I allowed irrelevant people feel relevant.

A.

The 8th of May.

The first time I wrote a post titled the 8th of May was on the first day of my first ever relationship. It was one of the most unconventional events ever and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it so, I ended up writing something sad which I would link HERE. I was 17, uninterested in boys or feelings or commitment but I wanted to prove to myself that I could succeed at being in a relationship. I could succeed at anything. So, I got into a situation with someone I didn’t feel a thing for because hey, we can learn to love anybody right? That is absolutely right but, it is also one of the least smartest decisions I have ever made and for the wrong reasons as well.

 

Wouldn’t this be an exciting post if I spoke about all the horrible experiences I went through? Tempting but, I only do that with my girlies when we’re laughing at the dumb shit we’ve done for guys. Opening up is a lot easier when it’s for banter. Also, I generally don’t talk about certain things because my coping mechanism involves not processing the bad situations that I have been in. They just get pushed to the back of my head where my other semi forgotten memories live. That way, I can’t speak about something that I haven’t even thought about yet.

 

It’s been four months since I walked away. Four months since I took my leash off and ran astray. How poetic, four months before the big four year anniversary and I’m still anticipating the day I break down. You know, mourn the end of my love experience. Have the ‘My life is a mess, I am so depressed and nobody would ever love me’ kind of cry. The tears that bring you down to your knees, head on the floor and arms wrapped tightly around your belly because it hurts all over and there’s no one else to hold you. The sort of tears that keep flowing, it seems like they’ll never stop. These moments where you just shout inaudible gibberish because you can barely process your thoughts let alone make sense out of them. There’s no real reason for these tears. It’s a combination of different events that happened over the years so you feel stupid and weak and helpless and that makes you cry even more. Y’all know the feel? No? Well this is awkward.

 

This whole thing is new to me because my idea of post-breakup life was very different to what’s actually occurring. I had assumed I’d be somewhat upset. Probably running into the arms of men who don’t deserve me, aiming to elicit some sort of comfort. I was really scared of becoming that woman who couldn’t wait for a man to ask ‘are you okay’ because that would be just another opportunity to speak about all the pain I’ve been through. Maybe break down so he could see my vulnerability and want to love me for that.

 

Regardless of how distant I sound about my previous situation, I acknowledge the ways in which it has changed me as a person…like every experience tends to. So far, I have successfully pushed away anybody who seems like they have intentions of staying in my life for an extended period of time especially if I like them or connect with them on a different level. I have become extremely dismissive and difficult in so many aspects. I have managed to singlehandedly build up this impenetrable wall that’s supposed to protect me from the men that are scum but it keeps me guarded when I don’t have to be.

 

The worst change yet is my inability to stop myself from reacting to certain statements. So for example, say I was married to a man who simultaneously called me ‘stupid’ while beating me. I would always have a negative reaction to anyone who says ‘stupid’ or anything that remotely sounds like it around me whether it was intended to be a joke or not. So, for me right now, I cannot handle certain statements that sound like something I was used to hearing for negative reasons and that’s made so defensive. I’m so quick to say “what do you mean by that?” in the fiercest way possible. Or I keep quiet and make mental notes. This sucks because sometimes, I know that’s not what said person means mais, ce la vie.

 

Anyway, that summarises the boring aspects of my newly single experience. If I was to pick a song to describe where my head’s at, I’d pick ‘Give me something – Emeli Sande’. The part where she said “see I just want to feel, I mean really really feel it all” is me right now. Nonetheless, I am significantly happier and I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.

 

The first time I wrote a post titled the 8th of May was on the first day of my first ever relationship. So I thought it was only right to write a second one to commemorate the end. Happy bye-nniversary Dawg.

 

What was your breakup experience like?

 

Partially Guarded A

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Dear A. 

Dear A,

As much as I may think I know you, I really don’t and that fact troubles me. It’s been only about two decades with you but, it feels like forever and a day.
This beautiful song ‘Desperado’ by Westlife came up and I saw you skip to the next one faster than the speed of light. I was going to ask why before I realised I knew your every thought. Your greatest fears and your temporary moments of weakness. More than anything, I was aware of the fact that you knew every single line of this desperado because I knew it too. I knew what each line meant to you. The reasons you loved this song and the reason you changed it.

1) “Oh you’re a hard one and I know that you’ve got your reasons”

I wish you would cry on the outside. Sometimes I struggle to stop myself from drowning in the pool of tears being shed on the inside but maybe you should release some physical tears. Just maybe. You don’t have to do what you’re not comfortable with. I experience the complications that life brings to you and am aware of the similarities between your ability to express emotions and the word complex. It is difficult for you and I both.

I feel your heavy heart drop with each disappointment. I’m deafened by the loud thumping sound your heavy heart makes ever so often. It’s fighting to keep you alive. We’re all fighting to keep you going. I feel the numbness in your limbs when you’re overwhelmed by fear. The fear of losing. But are you really scared of losing something that you never felt like you had?

‘But you only want the ones that you can’t get’

2) “Your pain and your hunger, they’re driving you home”

I see hundreds of unfinished poetry in your notes. I write them with you and I read along with you at night when frustration sets in and your vocabulary fails you. It’s okay because english is harder than you think. It’s okay because explaining your reality is harder than you think. The most important thing is that you stop pain from driving you into places you used to call home.

3) “And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone”

I understand that the term freedom is somewhat subjective but, can you at least agree that you are free? I know I sound crazy because I feel the weight you carry and I share your thoughts. However, an absence of freedom only exists in a space where there is lack of choice. Aren’t you happy that you can choose to put down this baggage? Choose to be happy, choose to live stress free. Let go and let God? How then are you not free?

I also understand that there are reasons you cannot be open, cannot bare out your soul for people to see. Sometimes I encourage against it too. Sometimes I like animosity. Sometimes I’m scared and I feel your fear overlapping with mine like constructive interference. Sometimes we’re wrong. Sometimes it’s clear from the beginning and sometimes it’s not. But if you have your walls built so high up, you’d only end up trapped in your prison, forced to walk this world alone.

I feel you struggle with trust. That dark cloud hovering over you is temporary. Remember last time when you thought you won’t make it? Remember how you felt?

‘Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away’

4) ‘It may be raining oh but there’s a rainbow above you’

Optimism is only the absence of pessimism. Change your perspective and gain the world.

“You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”

Let yourself love you. Let me love you.

Love,
You
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