The Line.

Have you ever been so lost in the sauce that you wouldn’t feel offended if oxford dictionary replaced the definition of stupid with your name? That was Akeela and it had been her for a while now – giving out passes, lowering standards, crossing boundaries, accepting disrespect, you name it. All because love was pure and purity could only exist in the presence of forgiveness right? In order to preserve this love she had grown so accustomed to she had to accept apologies she never received right? Wrong. But she did it anyway.

It was 2am on a Saturday night and she was doing what she did best – thinking or rather, fantasising about the love experience that enveloped her. Akeela’s flashbacks consisted of scenes from the past playing in slow motion. So it didn’t help that she envisioned kissing and body movements and interlocking eyes in the matrix. It almost always created an illusion of what wasn’t real and encouraged her to fall deeper into this spiralling hole called lust. 10 minutes into ‘fantasising and chill’, an idea came into her mind. What if she planned an evening for them both. She’s had him on her mind for months on end so it’s about time she acted on her thoughts, maybe add new memories to her current collection of cheeky smiles and inner jokes, intimate hugs or the lack thereof, the feeling of comfort when….

Snap out of it woman! You’re supposed to be planning date night not blushing over times passed.

Akeela was unsure of how to go about picking a location but where there’s a will, there’s a way and google was going to make a way so she typed in http://www.google.com *enter*. At this point she was one step closer but so many steps back. What do people search for in instances like this? ‘Best date night ideas’? ‘Romantic locations in London to keep the spark going’? ‘Keep your man mind blown with these date night themes’? The possibilities were endless but did not represent her…or them. Them? Who were they even? She knew who she was or at least what she wasn’t which was a romantic. Not in the literal sense anyway but, who were they collectively? At what point would there be a straightforward answer to that? This was just another unanswered question that would keep her up till 4am on a different night but tonight, she would block that out by planning the perfect rendezvous.

Whatever this was had to be considerate and personal and thoughtful and unique and something they both shared and special and…it was becoming clearer that she needed to settle on one word before she got carried away once again. The word was thoughtful because it embodied his existence in her life. It had to be thoughtful like he did for her recently. Like he’s always done for her.

Food was essential and so was water. Hence, a restaurant with intriguing cocktails because there’s water in cocktails and she’s always considered him to be intriguing. This trail of thoughts made no sense but rarely ever did Akeela’s train of thoughts sound logical to foreign ears. The important thing was its ability to arrive at a decision and the next decision to make was what sort of cuisine it should be. Cuban? Japanese? American? He liked to travel and she assumed he had never been. So an American style restaurant and bar but what type of music? Instantly, she was transported back in time to their first cinema date, the day she officially subscribed to living in lala land when it came to him. There was a constant reference to jazz music so, jazz music it is. She had a venue based on travel, music based on previous dates and nutritional essentials based on simple biology but she decided on this place mostly because it was called Nola…Darling’s first name. An inside joke which was never funny but represented a pivotal point in the relationship so far. It was perfect. It should have been perfect. She didn’t visit the restaurant twice that week in anticipation for tonight to not have this be perfect.

See you at 8 xx
*send*

*****

8pm and she’s sat in silence. Praying that her put together demeanour was enough to mask what the feelings that stirred up within her. Surely, a minor misunderstanding was not sufficient reason to disassociate from what she thought was a genuine connection. It could not have been. It should not have been but, it appeared to be as the minute hand fully encircled the face of the clock and no familiar face walked up to her.

Now an hour past 8 and there was nothing left to do but give up on hope like she did the first time round. She shouldn’t have made a second attempt, not so soon. Not while she was still healing. It was time to leave but she couldn’t move. Turns out hurt is crippling when it comes from an unexpected source. She wondered if she would be able to stand firm on feet that were now numb. And even if she’d managed to, how would she stroll out of this restaurant unnoticed? But what if she didn’t have to? What if he came? Should she forgive him? Is that even…

“Tonight we’re having an open mic session for aspiring vocalists and that includes people who sing in the shower”

It was the man who welcomed her into the restaurant with a smile that kept her hopes up. The crowd roared in laughter in response to him. She was grateful for that because it momentarily drowned the voices in her head. Karaoke nights always made Akeela feel good and maybe tonight, she could sing away her heartache. it worked for other artistes so it could work for her. Or maybe she was simply making a mistake walking towards the stage but it’s too late now, she’s already stood there in silence with the mic in one hand and her bleeding heart in the other.

“What would you be singing for us tonight flower?” The host asked.

“Play me any dvsn song, surprise me and we’ll see if I know the lyrics” she said.

“That’s the sort of confidence that gets you top paying jobs, flower. Don’t ever lose it”, he replied and the crowd roared in heart felt laughs once again while she wondered what confidence he thought she had.

For Akeela, dvsn brought back memories which reminded her of the beginning of her healing journey, a time where she felt safe, at peace and almost in love with the arms that cuddled her back to life. So ofcourse every single lyric of every single song was engraved in her heart. There was no need to be specific as being specific almost always brought disappointment. The instrumentals came bursting through speakers scattered round NOLA and a surge of emotions instantly spread through her body like wild fire. It was ‘The Line’, her favourite song, where she wanted to revert back to. But, where exactly did she draw this line?

————————here, in the middle of nowhere————————

“We’ve crossed the line tonight, tonight”

She had set out boundaries verbally and directly. Convincing herself that everything was black and white but, that only works on paper. In reality, there’s a whole spectrum of colour, an infinite amount of interpretations. There are endless possibilities and each one arises once a boundary has been crossed. What does all this bullshit even mean?

“Tell me, cause”

*breathes*

“Tell me cause I need to know if it’s really gonna be you
Who’ll be around and stay around”

Don’t you dare let your voice crack in front of this sea of strangers. She knew these were just lyrics…lyrics which cut deep. They always do but the focus needed to be on her performance. This was almost impossible as her brain was was fixated on the phrase “I ain’t going nowhere”…surely he must not have meant it or there wouldn’t be a fist in her belly right now.

“‘Cause I wanna know
I wanna know who to trust if it isn’t you”

For every song that Akeela loved, there was a line that spoke to her and this was it. It screamed fear – fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of being wrong once again. She knew where her trust lied but what if she was wrong again? The thought of this brought back episodes of panic attacks she used to have in the past. It first started in February and he managed to calm her down..one of the many reasons she found comfort in his presence. But they’re back again, she trusts him so how dare he not be here to calm her down? How dare he be the reason for her current episodes? ‘God I want to know who to trust if it isn’t him’ she thought to herself now on the verge of tears.

“It takes time to put your guard down”

Maybe because your guards shouldn’t be down in the first place? All she could think about was images of her heart locked away behind a cell for one reason or the other but the key to her self imposed bondage only existed because he drew it in. Art is literally freedom.

“I wanna know, I wanna know, I wanna know
That nobody, no face could take you away”

She heard stories and saw things that couldn’t stop her from choking on these words. These weren’t the type of memories she wanted playing in slow motion. Not today, not in front of strangers, not while there was a flood of liquified emotions hiding behind her eyes.

“If it feels right Say yeahhhh”

So she said ‘yeahhhhhh’ and ‘hey yeah yeah’ and ‘yeahhhh’ and ‘hoo hoo hoooo’. Because it felt right even when it was wrong. Even after he was long gone. It felt right in her guts.

But at the end of the day
“we crossed the line”
And that’s all that seemed to matter.

A.

In Retrospect.

You transformed me into a storehouse,
For the love you so generously bathed me in.
The support and care,
On the days I was unaware,
Of the greatness planted within.
You fed me, constantly,
With the positivity my soul was deprived of,
The encouragement my spirit longed for.
A little at a time but the seeds you planted grew like a tumour,
Rooted in the core of my existence.
I’m a different woman because of your persistence.
On rare occasions, I let my emotions rise,
And realise I appreciate your presence in my life.
Even while I watch as it slowly dies,
I still remember that you were redemption in the shape of a man,
Diving in to rescue as much as you can.
I don’t regret this,
I just regret not having a plan
Guess who’s lonely now.

A.

March Playlist.

So I’ve been meaning to tell everyone about my current favourite songs for a while. I just never got round to it because I don’t usually know how to explain what certain lyrics mean to me although, I would try in this post.

These songs have been on replay throughout the month of March for a number of reasons. The main reason is because March is deadlines month at uni. I get stressed when I have too many things to do at once. Actually, I start to panic and with panicking comes worrying and overthinking. Usually, when you start overthinking about one situation, all these negative things start to resurface.

Let me explain better. This is exactly how my brain works – Ugh I have three pieces of coursework due in two weeks. How would I do that as well as study? I don’t want to fail *heart starts beating fast* I’m actually scared…last time I was this scared was two years ago when blah blah blah. Wow that really hurt me. Why did I stay there? Why would anyone do that to me? I’m so stupid for investing so much…wow my life is a mess

It’s a cycle and that is why I occupy my thoughts with more important things. It was just a lot harder this month. Which is partly funny because it’s been the most exciting month so far. I really should write an anonymous book about my 2017 encounters.

Anyway, this is what I’ve been listening to constantly. I’m going to point out the lyrics that moved me and give a brief explanation on why it touched me.

“Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you and ain’t nobody love you like I do.”

Imagine equating love with hurt. I love you therefore, I will hurt you the most. I’ve had someone say to me ‘you weren’t in a relationship with those guys but we’re dating so I wouldn’t treat you as nice’ mind blown lmao. Did I hear someone at the back say men boys are scum? This song really makes me angry. Life is so simple, if being with someone makes them unhappy then, let them be happy with someone else.

“Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you but ain’t nobody need you like I do’

There are people in this world that I feel like I need in my life. I may not go out of my way to force them to stay but, I do try to make sure we’re both in a space where we we’re comfortable enough to coexist together. So if you really needed someone in your life, you’d make them comfortable enough to want to stay.

 

I don’t know why but I absolutely love this song. Even though birdy didn’t sing the original song, I like her version better. The very first line of this song is so compelling. “Come one skinny love just last the year”. Imagine being in a space where you’re begging the love you think you have to last the year. This used to be me years ago like damn can this love last till May so we can have our anniversary and things would magically be different afterwards. The goal was to just last the year and I’d be so disappointed in myself for getting angry (rightfully) when I felt like I was being disrespected because that would eventually end up in an argument and arguments meant breakups and breakups meant my skinny love wouldn’t be able to last the year. So this line “And I told you to be patient and I told you to be fine” speaks volumes.

 

Honestly, I just like the way she said “you know you can’t have me. But you kiss me anywayyyyy”. Like don’t kiss me or touch my soul if you’re not ready to follow through.

 

This is just to add a little bit of banter to my playlist. There’s absolutely nothing funny about this song but I laugh every time it comes up because I sent this to someone once and my excuse was that I didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words. Please cry with me. I’m really dramatic because the only part of this song that had anything to do with me at the time was “say something”. Oh well, one more funny story to tell.

 

“Your heart is broken ‘cause I walked away”

I saw a tweet that said ‘the problem with empathy is you feel bad for toxic people as well’. We would never really know Beyoncé’s relationship problems but assuming Jay-Z really did step out on their marriage, surely she has the right to walk away right? I just think it’s so powerful how even in the midst of her hurt, she’s not only acknowledging that walking away hurt the love of her life. She even goes a step further to say “show me your scars and I won’t walk away”. I’m more of a show me your scars and I’ll replace them with deeper injuries type of girl but I guess in some situations, love really is selfless.

 

I can’t believe this song is so old. I hope my future husband is out there getting his heart broken so when we have our first dance to this song, we’d both sing “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you” with so much passion.

 

So I went for a 6lack concert on Monday and when I tell you my life is complete, I mean my life is complete. It was so surreal seeing the love of my life in person. Even though I was right at the back of the crowd, I could still feel the connection. Let me tell you guys a secret real quick…I send 6lack a message everyday on Snapchat. Issa relationship and he ain’t even know. I reply to his stories and give him words of encouragement because I feel like he’s hella shy. So I’m just always like ‘you are beautiful and you are talented and your album is amazing’ etc. My friends laugh but it’s okay because not everyone has to understand true love. Anyway, I love his whole album but this song is my song and I went crazy when he performed it. “I swear no matter what I touch it breaks so I no longer want to see your face”.

 

Love,

A

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