A. – Page 9 – Akunna Ezekwem

October 30, 2017October 17, 2017

I’m Laughing Now.

I can’t help but laugh
At those who ridiculed the person that I was
And the woman that I had grown to become
Who tried to change me
Cut and paste traits unique to me
Like I was just words on a piece of paper waiting to be edited, reviewed and approved by individuals who didn’t deserve to experience the joy that I radiate
Or deserve to admire the art that I create.

I laugh because I see these same people go through life
Looking for pieces of me that they had tried to cut out
In every girlfriend, every partner, every potential wife
Like the world was populated with varying versions of me
And our sole purpose was to be attracted to a caliber of men who never learned how to love us genuinely.

I am deeply humoured
But my heart bleeds
For the women who would never live up to my standards
Because as beautiful as you are, you would never look like me
And you too are brilliant but, you would never have wit like mine
Never ever would you speak with the same rhythm
Or laugh out loud and think damn I sound just like her
Your touch would never be reminiscent of mine
And when you move, our silhouettes would never be superimposed.

I am hurt because you would have to pass through the same hell that I did
And experience the same pain that I did
You too would be ridiculed and forced to conform
To rules that you don’t live by in the name of love
I just pray that you grow to believe that are enough
You are beautiful, you are strong
You are as perfect and as whole as you need to be for the one who is deserving
Most of all, I pray you make it out alive.

October 25, 2017October 17, 2017

I Hate This.

I hate tears
Hate to feel
Hate to be knees deep
In emotions all so overwhelming
And words from acquaintances
All so endearing
I hate the weakness
The helplessness
The sense of worthlessness
I hate having to depend
On friends and family
This false sense of familiarity
Also having to defend
My reason to enjoy
This false sense of hope and peace
And comfort and solitude
I hate this.

October 19, 2017October 17, 2017

One With The Universe.

There would be days where the universe feels your pain
And the clouds open up, pouring down rain.
To overshadow your tears,
And eradicate your fears,
But most of all, to remind you
That these struggles are temporary.
On these days, it is important
To reach out, grab happiness by its head
Because there is one less battle to be fought
And you will overcome.

October 15, 2017October 10, 2017

Why Are You Not Emotional?

There’s pain that cannot be relieved with tears,
And lost confidence that cannot be reestablished with words.
Anger that cannot be quenched with a smile,
And depression that cannot fade away with a hug.
But most of all, problems that emotions cannot logically solve.

I don’t want to feel these.

October 10, 2017October 6, 2017

Things Are Different Now.

My insides don’t hurt like they used to
My fingers don’t tremble like they used to
And my poor love centre,
It doesn’t feel as heavy as it used to
Doesn’t beat as faint as it used to
Doesn’t bleed as frequent as before
It hurts less.

My tears don’t stream down like they used to
My loneliness doesn’t creep up as often as it used to
And my need to withdraw,
It doesn’t feel as compelling as it used to
Doesn’t feel as necessary as it used to
Doesn’t feel as innate as it used to
It feels good.

October 6, 2017October 6, 2017

R. I. P

So much has changed but the city remains the same.
Back in these streets,
Sunk deep in these sheets,
I can almost taste your scent.

One foot out and I’m stopped in my tracks.
Paralysed by fear,
Fear of reality,
We both know what happened was an unfortunate tragedy.

It’s only right that we burn bridges,
And bury disjointed friendships.
RIP to the transition from friends to family,
RIP to all forms of familiarity.

October 2, 2017September 12, 2017

Thank You.

Here’s a thank you note,
From me to you.
I could explain with a handful of quotes,
But I opted for something raw and true.

You accepted me in my weakest moments,
Saw the hurt in my eyes,
An ugly reflection showing years of endless torment,
And you came close to empathise.

You held my hand through this anger and pain filled journey,
Picked me up.
Reassured me on the days where I’d worry.
Helped me see through my half empty cup.

Ran towards me when I tried to walk away,
Reminding me of optimism,
To hope for a better today.
Thank you for being a reason.

September 27, 2017September 25, 2017

It Wasn’t You.

If I wasn’t so proud
I would get on my knees
Fall face flat on the ground
Reciting varied versions of apologies
Not for stepping out but stepping into holy matrimony
For laughing, for smiling
For performing forbidden rituals with my spirit at ease
And I apologise to the thousandth degree.

– it wasn’t you, it was us, it was me.

September 21, 2017September 12, 2017

First.

Do you remember the day you took your first breath?
The first time your lungs were filled with air,
You eventually began to walk and then run.
Do you remember the first venue you danced at?

Do you remember the first time you laughed?
The first day you experienced joy so deep, your eyes watered,
Your heart flustered.
Do you remember the first song you sang?

Do you remember the first time you experienced peace?
The first time you put your feet up and felt at ease?
Lips curved up into a smile because your world was calm,
Do you remember the first time you felt free?

Why then do you focus on your first rejection letter?
First heartbreak, first disrespectful lover?
Why do you constantly recal the first day you fell,
Flat on your face begging for a space in hell.
Why do you choose to revisit the first biggest failure?

September 14, 2017September 14, 2017

Walk.

I can only write in your absence,
As the pain lurks through,
Occupying emptiness with loneliness,
On land where compassion once grew.

It propels my imagination,
Encourages my lyrical hand,
Broadens my diction,
While bringing me back to my homeland.

So, walk away for a month or two,
To get my creative juices flowing,
My heartache growing,
And the reason for these tears too.