Category: Semi deep thoughts

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Hiatus.

Where do I even start? First of all, happy April Fools day if that is even a thing. What’s going on in your life? I bet you’re wondering what’s going on in mine. I would love to tell you but I legit have no idea at this point in time.

Let’s begin by addressing the reason I went away. I say went away like I left for a year which I did back in 2015 because I was going through the multiple challenges that year and I told myself never again. So here I am, stopping myself from disappearing for yet another year.

I haven’t put pen on paper in the past few months if I’m being honest. All of my recent posts are things I wrote towards the end of last year (except an insight to my creative brain) and it’s because I haven’t particularly mastered the art of writing when I’m genuinely in touch with my emotions. By emotions, I mean anger/annoyance/frustration and the likes of them. Yes, I have been annoyed all year for one reason or the other and when I get the odd moment of joy, rather than running to put ink on paper, I hold on to it for as long as possible. Funny how I’ve been annoyed when I’ve gotten more blessings than I could ever imagine between January and March. I’ve also been trying this being vulnerable thing that people speak of and it’s weird af but also oddly satisfying because it builds deeper and more transparent relationships with the people I already care about.

It’s not a semi deep post if I don’t highlight a lesson learned so, here’s one big lesson I’ve learned in the three months I’ve been away.
 
You can not abandon God.
Trust me, I tried but there would always be a constant reminder that He is there. I had the scariest visa application story that I plan on speaking about on my YouTube channel in the nearest future. Having my situation get resolved in less than 12 hours when everyone on the internet said it took them months to get theirs sorted out made me feel like God was reminding me once again that He is here for me and so I don’t get to just walk away from my spirituality but I was still angry so once again, I looked away.

My friend had followed me on Instagram and I had no idea she owned a page dedicated to sharing the good news to the people. I never thought too much about it until I saw this post the other day

IMG_7499

 
Judas was one of Jesus’ disciples who had eventually betrayed him for some cash. His job was to kiss Jesus on his cheek so that the Romans would take him away for the crucifixion. When this happened, another one of Jesus’ disciples had cut off the ear of the servant of the high priest in anger and Jesus put it back and cautioned him. I’d love to marry a man as calm and collected as Jesus because tbh, I am that disciple that would draw the first sword when someone threatens my personal peace.

This picture gave me a whole new perspective on the life of anger I began living at the start of 2018. Jesus said nothing to Judas but he still ended up killing himself. The son of God did not have to kill Judas because God got him like he’s got his children, like he’s got me. This whole time I was having internal battles with people who had betrayed me in the past and still continued to attempt to betray me. I say attempt because, there has to be an element of trust for betrayal to exist so, this was merely a weak attempt. Anyway, I’ve been fighting human beings forgetting that my battles are not even against flesh and blood but against principalities in high places (Eph 6:12). Talk about misplaced priorities.

I also came across a twitter thread here that spoke directly to my soul. When I say God has been arresting me with his word left right center, you think I’m joking. It’s funny because they’re all on the platforms that I usually go to waste my time.

Anyway, this is why I’ve been so absent but I’m back and I’m better, I hope you want me bad as ever 😉. I’m going to attempt to work on new pieces so I could go back on some sort of regular schedule. Now that I’m somewhat vulnerable like the rest of the human species, maybe I could put up more honest posts. Hmm…

 

Not every battle is yours to fight
A.

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An Insight To My “Creative” Brain.

I often receive questions about the inspiration for my poetry and I’ve never quite known the perfect response to give. Today however, I’m going to give you an insight to what my thought process is like most of the time.

A few days ago, I had switched off my lights to go back to bed at 6 in the morning. One would assume that as a responsible member of the society, this would be the time where I hit the shower, grab a cup of coffee and embark on the new day’s journey. I’m sorry to completely destroy your perception of me. The truth is, you couldn’t be more far off from my reality.

Anyway, my usual bedtime ritual includes going through my half written poetry/prose/stories in my notes aiming to either complete them, delete them or be inspired by them. On said day, I didn’t do any of the above, I went straight into my notes to write about switching off my lights. See, I recently got glow in the dark stars and so my favourite thing to do is turn off the lights and just lie in bed smiling at the ceiling. This time, I wasn’t just going to smile at my stars while I let my mind wander, I was going to write about them because that’s what creatives do…right?

“You lit up my room
Like you light up my face
Like you light up my world”

Those were the first three lines that came to my mind and I quickly typed them up. Could this be the beginning or the end or the middle of my new poem? Is ‘light up my face” a better phrase than “light up my eyes”? Shall I say “light” or “lit”. “Like you lit up my world” does this mean he is dead? Or have we broken up? Was this break up smooth or rough? Was this an agreement we both came to? Did I love this person? Of course I did he lit up my world. Okay but did he know? Who is he even? Do people need to know him or does that move the focal point from my stars to a man? Do I miss him? There’s no point reminiscing if I didn’t so yes, I miss you and I could also be sad and empty – a possible continuation. Hmm…

“Do you think about me when the lights go out?”

Another line that comes to mind so I quickly type it up. Damn how do I make this relevant? It does sound like an appropriate way to begin a poem. It’s a question, I like questions, do you? Right so at what point do I talk about my room being dark? Do I have to mention switching off the light or shall we just infer that? What other poems have I written with similar starts to them? I’d hate to sound repetitive. Hmm…

“Twinkle twinkle little stars
Of course I don’t wonder what you are,
I acquired you, protected you”

This sounds like a new start to me. I better move “do you think of me when the lights go out” to a new note. That’s going to be a different poem about nostalgia. I’m excited now. What exactly did I protect these stars from? At what point do I tell my readers these are glow in the dark stars? Shall I allow them come to that conclusion themselves? Could I just make this one of those abstract poems that don’t really make sense but make sense at the same time? Once again, how do I join this up with the first three lines I came up with? Also, if my stars are “you” then it’s got to be “like he lit up my face, like he lit up my world” but who is he? How did he light up my room? Shall I explain this too? How long is this poem? Hmm…

“Sheltered you away from the light
Because I wasn’t ready
For you to absorb and illuminate back
I’m afraid of change,
Please cut me some slack”

Now I love this because at this point I don’t know if I’m still talking about stars or a man, genius. Although, I don’t see how this is related to my first three lines but I must use that by force. What am I even doing writing about glow in the dark stars while my mates are writing about nature – the sun, prominent in the skies and the gradual increase in temperatures, an invite blossoming flowers openly accept. But look at me and my fake stars that literally steal other people’s shine.

Okay one last semi complicated line before I go to sleep. I’ll deal with this on a different day.

“Random array of stars with no real hmm…

Stars plastered all around my slanted ceiling
With no real pattern, no actual hmm…
There is no method to this madness

*look for a word that ends with ‘ess’ and make a semi sensible line here*

I’ve been taught that light could be a particle or a wave
But today and for a while now,
Light was him
He lit up my room like he lit up my eyes
Like he lit up my world.”

Time for bed. I’ll deal with this on a different day or month or year. My eyes are shutting now and I hate when I sleep off half way through a sent…

Goodnight,
A

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I Was Not Ready For God To Bless Me.

This morning, a friend of mine sent me a section of her daily devotional which said “Once God reveals His purpose, be prepared to move in the direction God has given.” And that took me back to a place of reference – my past.

I haven’t always been the woman that I am today. I haven’t always had my priorities in check and it was in this time that I somehow managed to find myself in a situationship that would change my life forever. During this same time, I had one prayer point and it went like this “God, if this is for me, give me perseverance if not, give me the strength to walk away.”. I was 17 and instead of being on the road to my glow up, my spirit was constantly screaming out the prayer of discernment over a situation I had no business dealing with.

2013, 2014, 2015, 2016…I have survival stories to tell that you may never believe but I’ll save that for another day. I spent all these years turning a deaf ear to my creator and ignoring signs that I prayed for. Worst of all, I spent it wondering what was wrong with me because I couldn’t single handedly control my situation. I couldn’t convince a boy to mature into a man or at least act like he wanted to be a man. I had spent years angry at not only myself but at somebody else’s future husband for not being right for me, not respecting me, not attempting to encourage my growth. In the winter of 2015, I had attended the TNR conference which took place at Hope City, Sheffield and I was a complete wreck. At some point, I attempted having a conversation with the pastor’s wife…attempted because what really happened was I tried to force inaudible sounds out of my mouth and through my tears. The reply I got was “if someone is making you this upset, then this isn’t the situation that God has ordained for you”. Somehow, that was not enough. I wanted someone to put their hand on my head and magically take all my problems away. I imagine God was looking down at me with His head in His palms like ‘how is my daughter so smart yet so stupid?’.

My life was a series of unfortunate events where I would experience one bad situation after the next. Each worse than the previous and rather than jumping out of the boiling pot I was in, I kept readjusting in order to acclimatize with the increasing temperatures. Back in high school, my house master spoke a lot about what he referred to as bending – basically, we’re brought up with morals and home training which acts as a backbone of some sort and allows us to stand tall, above others who lack discipline. Each time we choose to ignore our core values and give in to peer pressure, we lose a bit of our backbone so we bend. Like old people bend to relief back pain even though that’s worse in the long run. I kept bending. Working on things. Sorting issues out. So focused on resolving a situationship that my loving Jesus couldn’t bear to see me stay in. I kept saying a prayer that I didn’t believe in but God heard it and He was going to deliver me regardless of how little my faith was or how little my will power was.

2016 – I had started my masters in a completely different city. The idea was to move far away because out if site out of mind. My signature method of walking away is disappearing from your life once I’m bored so that was the plan. Until it turned out this boy also applied for masters in London. There was nothing I had ever prayed against more than I prayed against him moving to the same city as me. This was not going to be another year of repetition. This year, I was ready to be pushed out of my situation. I was ready to walk away until I got broken up with in November lmfaoooo. Y’all once again this is story for another day but, instead of picking up my cross and going, I kept trying to get a logical reason like this was science and somehow there would be solid evidence or at least a substantial reason. Even though I had mentally checked out of my situation, I was pulled back in with stupidity of course. Imagine the look on my creators face. Wow I’m so embarrassed. This is how I spent the rest of 2016 in a toxic ass manipulative situationship ladies and gentlemen.

It didn’t take until one irrelevant conversation in 2017 January to make me completely erase the “mumu” that was written on my forehead. This was unlike every other conversation we had had. I say conversation but I mean argument because that is what all our conversations comprised of. This was barely an argument that cut deep. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before or anything that was worse than every other argument but that was my problem. It was the same old shit. I was a young, vibrant 21 year old woman who was stuck in a cycle of one argument after the other. It was the same old shit. Like how have we not grown since 2013? How do I plan on reliving this nightmare for another 12 months? How was I going to succeed at my masters while being in the same situation that almost made me fail my undergrad? So many questions, so little time because I had already written my first exam and I had three essays due in two months and then 4 exams after that. So I did what I did best, I disappeared. Abracadabra bobi gandro, disaporada my nigga.

At that point that I was ready for the greatness that was awaiting me. I was ready to be pushed out of this situation I held on to for so long. And it’s funny because people always ask “how do you know when it’s time to leave?” the truth is, you just do it. I looked at my phone and said I’m not dealing with this today or any other day and I went out. Came back home the next day, looked at my phone and said the same thing again. This was my ritual every single day until I didn’t have to remind myself that I was not going to deal with this ever. That was single handedly the easiest thing I had ever had to do in the past 4 years of my life. That was also when I realised God worked in amazing ways because two months after when I saw my January exam results, I had gotten a 59%…An insight to what my grades would have all looked like if I decided to keep being stupid after January 😂😂.

For everyone that has asked me what I’m most grateful for, they have heard the same reply – My new found peace of mind. Although, I am also grateful for amazing friendships, uninterrupted happiness, solid relationships and so much more. I still have sleepless nights but at least these aren’t due to depression or fear of what misery tomorrow would bring. I don’t have to spend hours thinking of my situation and attempting to device a master plan to make my relationship work by force. Also, I am 10x more beautiful than I have ever been so, if you think you’re ugly, dump your boy/girlfriend.

We all ask God for blessings and miracles without first asking ourselves if we are ready for these things. We haven’t attempted to put ourselves in an environment that makes it possible to receive these blessings that we pray for through tear filled eyes. Sometimes God says not yet and other times like in my case, He tries to forcefully remove you but once again, you have to be ready to be uprooted. Free will is both a blessing and a curse really but I pray that we somehow learn how to prepare for everything that we pray for so, we don’t end up being the reason for our stagnancy in life. The best day of my life so far, was the day I became ready for my blessings and I have not once shied away from any blessing from God regardless of how overwhelming it seems to be at the time. I know better than to hold on to a place, a person, a lifestyle due to mere familiarity because, I have seen that what is coming is so much greater than everything I have received in the past.

P.S I’m currently listening to conversations at a diner and the lyrics have me shaking. I mean ‘now your heart is mine, I need it’, ‘we shared a hug, you closed your eyes, I’m in the dark, never ever let you go there’s no way’. You may or may not be right if you assume my next post is about not letting my mcm go.

Stay ready for your blessings!

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You Asked And Now, I’m Replying.

Why do you have a blog?
I started my blog 5 years ago and before that, I had a previous blog on blogger which we would never speak of again please and thank you. When I began writing on this beautiful blog of mine, I never imagined people would find me lol it was for my eyes alone if I’m being honest. I wanted a place to dump my midnight rhymes, stories and wild imaginations. I kept losing the random pieces of papers where I would write my amazing pieces and end up getting frustrated so a blog seemed like the wise thing to do secretly but you guys found me wow.

Are you okay?
Of course you can imagine the questions that poured in once my blog began to grow. “Are you okay?” “Who did this to you?” “You know you can just talk to me about this?”. Sometimes I would publish posts and receive a flood of messages from my friends and strangers expressing their concern. Somebody cannot even write fiction again.
For those still wondering…yes, I am okay. No, this is not my life. I wish my love life was as existent and eventful as it is on here. Okay that was a lie which I should really just have deleted that previous statement but, yolo. Sometimes ‘you’ is someone my friend has told me about. Other times, ‘you’ is an imaginary boyfriend I dreamt about. For the most part, ‘you’ is Michael Ealy from For Coloured Girls or a random actor in yet another depressing romantic movie. This is not my reality ladies and gentlemen, my heart cannot even accommodate all these love relationships.

Is your poetry personal?
I have a wild imagination and I don’t particularly appreciate people asking if I write about the men in my life because first of all, no. But also, I don’t know you like that to open up if I really was. On the rare occasion, I integrate elements of my reality into my poetry for example in ‘Issa Sonnet’, he really didn’t call me beautiful first, he called me interesting but then I let my creativity finish the rest of that piece. In ‘I Need You’, I did share chocolate flavoured liquor with an erudite young man but no, I don’t need anyone and I am not suicidal. In ‘Tough Love‘, I really did learn to love differently and I won’t cry when you cry but there was no ‘you’ and even if there was, nobody is bending over to act as anybody’s footstool when bench has not finished in the market.

Can you write more honest pieces?
Yes I can. The real question here is would I? Once again yes, I would write some and consider posting them. The thing about writing honest pieces is it involves telling personal stories and that’s not really my thing. I like to leave things exactly where they are especially if they’re bad experiences. Recently I’ve been asking myself if this was because I have made it my responsibility to protect certain people’s reputation. People who have no problem trashing my reputation to whoever is interested in listening. So I’m actually going to write a few things and then debate posting them later on in life. I’d also hate to shut up about my miserable experiences when I know full well other people can either learn from my bad decisions or feel empowered by my strength to keep pushing. I aim to inspire.

Can you write more stories?
I try to. I honestly do but it takes a new set of skills to write good stories. I wrote The Cancer Germ in he summer of 2015 only managed to make it sound good on 2017.

Have you thought of writing a book?
Yes lovies, I had started one in September. It was going to be a book of short poems focussed on the different phases I went through following my breakup. Each poem described a different emotion I felt like anger, regret, lust, even reluctance to accept the new love of my life but guess what? My phone died on me and so did all of my poems and my motivation to write a book. RIP to my author title. It’s not for everyone.

My face is currently beaming with ecstatic happiness knowing that we finally had this conversation 💜

P.s I’m currently listening to Claim by dvsn and I have just screamed out ‘Surprised you still talking to the same dude’ so, you would be right to expect a post on how everyone in my life (including myself) was surprised at the fact I was still stuck in the same place for timeeee

A.

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I Don’t Like Compliments?

I’ve always known that flattery or as Nigerians like to call it ‘wash’ makes me uncomfortable for the most part. Anytime I would hear ‘fine girl’ or “your body is nice” I would cringe on the inside or start feeling a sense of awkwardness that I couldn’t explain. I only just concluded this year that I indeed hate compliments for a number reasons but I’ll narrow it down to 3 main ones.

1) Compliments are boring. Like conversation fillers. Like overly rehearsed lines.

How many times have you said “you are gorgeous”? How many girls have you successfully cajoled into your arms with such empty statements? Do you ever get bored of throwing the same compliments up in the air? Because I get bored of hearing the same lines. What happened to originality and personalisation?

2) Compliments are awkward. Now bear in mind, this is coming from an overthinker/overanalyser.

I had someone indirectly tell me my smile was beautiful once. Now I half fancied this brilliant young man so I took a minute to soak up that compliment although a part of me was relieved it didn’t happen face to face. ‘Why?’ You may ask. Well, with compliments like ‘you have a nice smile’, it’s tricky deciding how to act afterwards. Like I said above, I am an overthinker/analyser in most situations. I’d begin to move cautiously. Trying not to smile too much after that incase it seems like that one flimsy piece of flattery suddenly made me fall more in love with my smile. Or perhaps I want to show said person more of this smile that is apparently beautiful. I would also move cautiously because I don’t want to unknowingly stop myself from smiling at the same time – I’m going to attempt to explain this better.
If someone said they liked my dress, I’d probably never wear it around them so it wouldn’t seem like I’m only wearing it because they liked it. Same goes with not smiling when people compliment my smile. So smiling now becomes something I do consciously.
Like I said before, an overthinker and an overanalyser.

3) Is that all that there is to me?

I think I’m smart. Actually, I think I’m absolutely brilliant. I also think I have wit. I think I’m funny if I may dare say so myself. I believe I am great company because I can hold amazing conversations and I’m quite an interesting individual. I also think I’m beautiful, not because my facial features compliment each other or because my silhouette somehow attracts these wild predators but because I am fucking amazing. Because I look for the best in people and I am not quick to condemn. Because I aim to put a smile on people’s faces and I am an epitome of love in itself. Because I care and I feel and I help to uplift, to empower, to ascertain..confidence and hope and will power and growth. So don’t you dare look at me and choose to ignore all that I am by settling for something as fickle as ‘you have a nice bum’.

With all this said, I blush and wallow in all forms of flattery being dished out from the mouths of the men that I fancy. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.

A.

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PSA: November.

Hey lovies!

Can you believe it’s November already? Because I can’t. Time really flies when you’re living your best life haha.

A few years ago, my mum popped out a beautiful girl who was destined for greatness and I bet she thanks God everyday for choosing her to conceive such a gem. If you haven’t figured it by now, I am that gem. I would assume you all know my birthday seeing as I come up with an outstanding birthday post each November. At this point I’m asking myself what the actual purpose of this post is too. Read on…

November is always a reflective month for me because I believe personal growth is crucial in unlocking your full potential. It is only through reflecting that I can evaluate my growth curve in the past year and then decide on areas in which I’d like to improve on. To be honest, I continuously assess my character, thoughts and actions with each passing day but it’s a lot deeper closer to my birthday.

Usually I only look back a year however, this year’s completely different. My growth curve between 2016 and 2017 definitely has a steeper gradient than all of my other growth curves combined and like McDonald’s, I’m loving it. I’m a whole new person with a completely different outlook on life. It’s almost like I don’t know the person I was before 2017.

As a way of reflecting this month (and also allowing myself to be lazy by not writing new posts), I’m going to be posting 7 poems over the next few weeks. These are really special poems to me because they were featured on Metrolife234.com, a Nigerian online magazine. Also because I wrote them during trying times and at a point where happiness was an unfamiliar entity. It is so amazing to look back at the pieces I wrote three years ago and be proud of the art I created when my circumstances didn’t encourage creativity. Am I allowed to call myself talented? 🤔

That’s all for now!
I hope you enjoy the rest of November. If anyone needs me, I’d be on my bed cringing at the situations where I allowed irrelevant people feel relevant.

A.

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It Wouldn’t Matter A Year From Now.

*I want you to know that it’s perfectly okay for you to sit and admire this beautiful picture of mine.*

Recently I’ve been in the habit of over sharing with a select few members of the population. By select few, I mean one person but allow me to exaggerate for a minute will ya?

In the spirit of sharing, I would very reluctantly tell you beautiful people a super cool, semi deep and possibly weird story. Here it goes…

In the Summer of 2015, I made it a habit to write myself letters. I suppose this makes me somewhat mentally retarded as it is the silent, less profound version of talking to myself. Anyway, all of my letters were beautifully composed in my notes and they were all surprisingly well written considering the fact that they were for my eyes only. ‘So what did these letters entail?’ You may ask. Well, I was about to explain in the next chapter if only you waited.

If each year of my life was a new chapter of my autobiography and I could name them, 2015 would be called “the beginning of the end”. This is because at that point in my life, I knew that my tolerance levels for ignorance had peaked and so, I began to write myself out of my situation.

We all deal with things differently and so, we heal differently. I don’t like people constantly telling me I deserve better because I’d hate to eventually depend on validation from anybody. Which is why I’d much rather come to the realisation on my own and then constantly speak words of encouragement and affirmation to myself until I begin to believe them. It’s how I heal, it’s how I grow. I did all of this without stepping out of my situation and although it looked dumb af, it worked haha. Trust the process ladies and gentlemen.

So back to the title of this post. ALL of my letters to myself started with ‘Hey baby’ but most importantly, ended with ‘it wouldn’t matter a year from now. I love you’. I LOVE YOU. Do you love you? Would this really matter a year from now?

One thing I absolutely love about life is how dynamic everything is. We all live in a world where pain is relative and emotions are temporary. Life is fluid – priorities go from being at the bottom of the list to making it to the top or vice Versa as the years go by. Things are constantly being put into perspective and our realities are constantly being redefined. That thing that gave you sleepless nights for months no longer seems relevant. Remember that toy you lost and cried over for days? Or that relationship you were so invested in, breaking up was your biggest fear. Isn’t it funny how you literally feel nothing for said person now?

In June 2010, I was convinced that I had found the love of my life. He wasn’t Yoruba but we were going to make it work, we were going to get married, we were going to have a family and our first daughter was going to be called Nkem. Imagine the state of my fragile heart when communication seized. I was in shambles but guess what, I was also convinced in December 2010 that I had found the real love of my life…and again in 2011 summer, 2011 Christmas, 2012 summer, 2012 Christmas…are we noticing a trend here? The point is none of the previous loves of my life mattered months after so, I would often feel stupid for stressing and overreacting and just letting certain things bother me a lot more than they should have.

IT WOULDN’T MATTER A YEAR FROM NOW.

I have since learnt that there is no point stressing and overthinking and overanalysing situations. No point giving up and losing hope and shrinking myself because of temporary set backs. This is because most of the time, my current problems aren’t relevant in the grand scheme of things and in situations where they are, I think logically for a suitable strategy and move on.

Life is too short to focus on the things that wouldn’t matter a year from now especially when it comes to relationships (seeing as my blog is mostly centered around this topic). So I have grown to love loving people. As it is just as permanent as it is temporary. I really have gotten to a point where how I feel about someone is independent of how they feel about me. None of that ‘do they feel the same’ ‘maybe I should not say this so they don’t think that’. I just love recklessly while enjoying the connection and the surge of emotions. I would love the hell out of you whether you like it or not so don’t make me fall in the first place 😒. That is until the day my fragile heart can’t handle unrequited love and I mope around for a bit, analyse where I went wrong, write a few poems and eventually move to the next love experience. At the end of the day, none of my past hurt would matter by the time I’m ready for my new love and I would have learned so much, I’d come back a better lover than I was. Life is beautiful isn’t it?

You gotta live life and experience experiences. Really converse in conversations and fal inlove with love like your life depended on it. No matter what the outcome turns out to be, 90% of it wouldn’t matter a year from now. Don’t get me wrong, it wouldn’t disappear automatically but, you grow out of it. You grow out of hate, out of self loathing, out of regret etc. It’s a learning experience, a learning curve and you come out a better version of your old self each time which is amazing.

P.s. I don’t condone living life like there aren’t sometimes permanent consequences for your actions. What I’m saying is for every situation that looks bad, it is important to remind yourself not to dwell on it for too long. This is mostly because dwelling on the negatives never ends well but also because in a year from now, it probably wouldn’t matter. A better use of your time could be devising a solution or determining what went wrong so the same incident doesn’t occur twice.

Remember, it wouldn’t matter a year from now.
I LOVE YOU
A.

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What’s Your Christian Journey Like?

I wrote this back in march and I wasn’t sure if I was going to post it or not but, here it goes…

I think like most people, I grew up in the church. We had house fellowships and a whole new rccg (Jesus house) parish had originated from one of our frequent fellowships. Following that, I went to highschool in Lagos and although it wasn’t a religious school in particular, the word was constantly being preached to us.

We had devotions every morning. Both in hostel and after breakfast. We were also blessed with a woman of strong faith as our housemistress. So, for every concern that you would take to her, the first response would be ‘pray about it’ or ‘let me pray with you’. It was in high school that I really got to build on my faith. I had started to read the word with a lot more understanding and generally draw so close to God, it was unbelievable. I also began to read the bible in a year which I haven’t finished 8 years later. Shame.

Fast forward to college where I slowly started to withdraw. I never understand why people say ‘fell off track’ because the truth is nobody falls off anything. They start to slowly walk away from the route that they were initially on. Imagine you’re supposed to be walking in a straight path but each day, you walk 10 degrees away from the initial path. Eventually, you’d be on a whole new journey in a whole new direction and that was me. I started to worry more, read my bible less and of course, pray less.

This got 100 times worse in uni. I would go months without acknowledging the existence of God. Studying science makes believing in religion so much harder because how can I bring myself to believe that God created me when I am fully aware of the central dogma. How can I pray for healing when I know about signalling pathways and the body’s inability to sometimes correct certain ailments…I took a module on the biochemical basis of diseases for Godsake . It was just tough. Coupled with the fact that I was in a whole new world, dealing with problems that I had no business dealing with. Long story short, I was distracted and side tracked into believing that there was a logical solution to every situation. Not God, not miracles not anything but, simple logic and maybe a bit of science.

How did that go for me? Tbh, I turned out okay. Things could have been better if I asked the Holy spirit for direction or if I didn’t feel like I could solve my problems on my own.

It’s 2017 and I’m currently trying to rekindle my relationship with my creator. It is kind of weird because on the days where I remember to pray, I don’t know what to say. My prayers usually start with ‘hey God, do you remember me from 2010?’ It may sound stupid but I don’t know how else to start.

The greatest thing about religion for me is the love of God. I spent the whole of 2016 trying to wrap my head around Gods love for me. Once you realise who you are in Christ, you automatically understand that you are special and you will begin to remove yourself from situations that don’t make you feel special. So relationships, friendships, certain environments too. I would never say christians shouldn’t go here or go there because I am aware of the fact that everyone’s journey is different. I believe that as time goes on, we would all start to weed out parts of our lives that don’t reflect the presence of God in our hearts. That to me is the most important thing.

In the end, I am really happy I grew up in the church because even though I did stray away from religion for a few years, I have the word of God instilled in my heart. So sometimes I find bible passages rolling off my lips. On the days where I feel down and boarderline worthless, I am able to remind myself of the promises of God for his children. It’s funny because the other day, I was speaking to my friend about how somebody in my life was a breath of fresh air because for the first time in a while, I didn’t feel like I was being judged or scrutinised. Following that statement I said ‘this has to be the kind of people that God puts in our lives so we understand what He meant by there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ’. While this might not be the right time to bring up bible passages, I’m just so amazed at how much I can actually retrieve from buried memory.

In summary, my Christian journey is clearly disjointed but the most important thing is that I am willing to know more and grow closer to my creator. There are areas where I fall and areas where I stand tall. Sometimes I cannot hold my tongue and other times, my mouth is shut but my heart conceives evil thoughts which do not reflect God’s presence in my life. At the end of the day, I am human and I would never be perfect.

While you’re here, I’d love for you to enjoy my new favourite song in the whole world. 

What’s your Christian journey like?
A. 

Posted on

When Do You Give Up On Love?

1) When you are more in love with memories than with your present situation.

– Memories are created sometimes out of false perception; A biased account of what really happened. If you are happier in your memories made than in the memories you are currently creating, you’re really inlove with your imagination.

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2) When love hurts. 

-injuries hurt and so the moment love begins to, that too turns into an injury. A scar tissue in your heart. A medical condition. Endeavour to flee from the source of your disease.

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3) When emptiness becomes an entity. 

-Love is your friend, your partner, your rock when you’re down and your biggest supporter. Love is a constant companion too. There is no space for emptiness where love is established.

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Love,
Dr A
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Posted on

Hey Lovies.

Hey lovies,

Have I ever said how I think it’s so funny how life turns out? No? Well, I think it’s so funny how life turns out. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I feel the need to explain myself just so it doesn’t look like a totally unrelated way to start this post.

Two weeks ago was the absolute worst for me. I mean, if you ever see three posts in a week, that means there is three times as much anger in my soul than I should ideally harbour. I have never in my life felt so much pain, anger, confusion and ultimately, regret. It really does bother me that I’ve been throwing about this regret word lately but hopefully it ends here. Now the funny part is in the midst of all this negativity, I got so many views, it was unreal. I’m really grateful for that. I’m also so excited about my 100 posts mark and even though that has passed, I’ll put a little collage of the unfinished piece I meant to post down below.

So, we’ve established that your worst week would simultaneously be your best week. What next? Well, I learnt three things that week that I would always carry around with me.

1) Forgiveness is for myself.

I’m pretty sure you’ve heard this so many times. I had too but I never really thought much about it. It’s easy to forgive someone who bites your pen cover or forgets to shut the fridge properly or spreads false information about you. All these things seem petty and irrelevant but it’s the petty things that annoy us the most because c’mon, they really didn’t have to. Now, it’s a completely different level of forgiveness when it involves somebody who wants you to trust them but continuously betrays you, each time a bit worse than the previous. That, I couldn’t do.
For a long time I nurtured hate inside of me. If you’re anything like me, you never forget. So, every conversation, every text, every body language and every side comment would remain in my head just waiting for the right time to use my ammunition. But the truth is at the end of the day, I’ll be the only angry person. The only person with a burden to carry. Only my heart would beat fast while hatred would gradually rise to an abominable level but worst of all, it is only my prayers that wouldn’t be answered. I mean why would God forgive me when I cannot forgive another man 70×7 times?
I used to think forgiveness was synonymous to weakness until I heard someone say ‘I will forgive you but you will never be able to do the same thing to me twice’ then I thought woah. Ultimately, we’re required to forgive and forget and that’s exactly what I have decided to practise. I’ll forgive your offences as quick as you offend me and forget your shortcomings right before I forget your spot in my life.

2) Positivity is everything.

I wish I could explain this but I can’t. Right before my worst week’s incident, I felt such a huge wave of positivity in my spirit, nothing could bother me. It didn’t matter how big or small the problem was, my optimism could conquer it. I’m so happy I’ve found a way to revert back to a few weeks ago. I cannot imagine walking through life with so much negativity for the next few decades. Sometimes I sit and smile because I don’t think anyone else understands how ultimately blessed and at peace I feel.
I’m just going to drop a bible verse because I can’t explain further (Philippians 4:7)

3) This too shall pass 💜

Anyway, this isn’t a major point but I took a week away from all the negativity and decided to get a new identity. So, below is Ariana Walters. She’s a young lady who lives in Newyork and is currently working on putting together a portfolio in order to break into the modelling career. Now, Ariana is quite lucky because she shares a flat with her support system who doubles up as the love of her life and he’s always there 100% of the way. Wow that was really easy..

Life is beautiful

Love,

A

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