If I wasn’t so proud
I would get on my knees
Fall face flat on the ground
Reciting varied versions of apologies
Not for stepping out but stepping into holy matrimony
For laughing, for smiling
For performing forbidden rituals with my spirit at ease
And I apologise to the thousandth degree.
– it wasn’t you, it was us, it was me.
My body harboured hate,
So deeply rooted, it took years to eradicate.
Years to reestablish human affection.
But now on my own road to redemption,
You show up like an unwanted guest at the dinner table.
I’m trying to stay sane but my mind remains unstable.
I beg you to leave and you apologise,
Like words erased memories,
And apologies were verbal remedies,
For heartaches and disappointments combined.
Like I was dumb enough,
To run back to a into a version of love that moved on and left me behind.
I forgave you for leaving,
But I would never forgive you for coming back to a love that you don’t deserve.