Living With An Emotional Deficiency – III

III.

If you promise to hear me out, I’ll explain,
Why emotional responses are unhurried.
Why I’m numb and expressionless initially.
Truth is, I’m not cold.
It just takes me time to recollect all my memories of similar incidents I’ve encountered,
In movies, tv shows, novels and friends.
I sift through the emotions they expressed,
Create a combination of all of them and choose that to show,
While crossing my fingers,
Hoping to God that’s the appropriate reaction.

Would you tell me if it’s not?

A.

Living With An Emotional Deficiency – I.

I.

How best can I explain,
That I struggle with vulnerability,
Like people struggle with addiction.
There are days I cry about my inability to connect,
About ‘dismissal’ being my immediate response.
I hurt when my body jerks back once in contact with another,
Knowing it is impossible for mammals to survive without body contact.

But how do I change this?

A.

Desensitised.

I close my eyes so my body can feel,

Shut my heart so my mind can process,

Bitter truths my stomach cannot digest.

If this wasn’t me, it would be someone else,

Somewhere else, maybe something else.

So I draw the blinds shut and kill the switches,

It’s impossible to think while engulfing all these inches.

I’ll try again tomorrow
A.

I Hate This.

I hate tears
Hate to feel
Hate to be knees deep
In emotions all so overwhelming
And words from acquaintances
All so endearing
I hate the weakness
The helplessness
The sense of worthlessness
I hate having to depend
On friends and family
This false sense of familiarity
Also having to defend
My reason to enjoy
This false sense of hope and peace
And comfort and solitude
I hate this.

A.

Why Are You Not Emotional?

There’s pain that cannot be relieved with tears,
And lost confidence that cannot be reestablished with words.
Anger that cannot be quenched with a smile,
And depression that cannot fade away with a hug.
But most of all, problems that emotions cannot logically solve.

I don’t want to feel these.

A.

Welcome. 

You wear your heart on your sleeve
And I don’t blame you
It’s the joy of ignorance
Lack of experience
Naïveté in its purest form
I envy that
I envy you
I will continue to envy you
Until your body begins to slowly wither
As these men pass through welcoming doors
Only to take from you
Only to acquire
Pieces of your innocence
Pieces of your heart
Pieces of love
That you will swear never to give again
I want to but, I can’t save you
I can only welcome you to my reality

Love,
A
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