I once created literary art,
With blood drawn from my broken heart.
The words flowed endlessly,
How could it not?
With an abundance crimson fluid gushing out uncontrollably,
As the cracks in my poor love centre elongated.
Because of this, I was declared a lyricist in her prime.
But I have watched my creativity sublime,
As depression slowly evades me this body that I call mine.
It’s over now.
My heart no longer beats a tune which negativity dances to.
I don’t feel the weight of the world on my shoulders,
I don’t hear the crushing sounds of my hopes and dreams falling apart.
I don’t know what else to write about.
Have you ever had so much to say,
You settle for silence?
Because your hearts is too full,
And your thoughts too complex,
To relay on to the simple minded.
And so, the weight of your words,
Rest heavy on your tongue.
It’s impossible to lift.
Impossible to speak.
You are hushed by your own mind,
Verbally crippled by your own thoughts.
Afraid of how much dept you may go into.
How many tables could be shook?
How many elders brought down to their weak knees?
How much tears would be shed?
Because even though words are just words,
They cut deep.
Into a realm that only exists in some people’s reality,
So only they comprehend,
And only they are consumed by emotions,
The type you feel when surpressed memories resurface.
You know this because you felt it.
So rather than speak, you write.
Convincing yourself that it carries less weight.
But those are lies that you would some day cry about.
Solitude doesn’t ask what’s wrong,
She lets me be.
She doesn’t reach out,
Or hold me when I’m down.
When emotions get the better of me,
And I’m left in a puddle of my never ending tears,
I don’t feel solitude looking at me through pitiful eyes.
She doesn’t pat my back like they do with helpless kids.
There are no constant echos of generic words intended to encourage,
No tight hugs rendering me fragile.
So I don’t feel shame,
Not like I do in her absence.
But my solitude eats me up,
More often that I care to admit.
It’s 2am and my body jolts itself to life.
I’ve been drinking, I’ve been smoking,
Hoping that these chemicals would numb the pain,
Mask the anxiety,
Do something other than drive me insane.
The fear that I know,
Transits through my heavy heart.
But today, it’s come to stay.
Like a spider in its silky matrix,
Or a child in its mother’s arms.
Shall I cuddle it? Nurse it?
Reason with it so it knows how to perceive,
Negative emotions causing my body to grieve?
So it knows when to leave?
Or should I give up on fighting?
On arguing on negotiating,
With dark clouds of fear poisoning my lungs.
If I can’t breathe, I can’t speak in tongues,
Or call on my saviour, I can’t cast and bind.
Not while I’m spiritually blind.
Someone plead the blood of Jesus on my behalf.
Adaptation is your number one enemy,
But you would master her.
You would learn not to flinch when he raises his hand,
Because unlike the previous, these hands descend gently,
Not with anger, with love and affection.
You would learn that these walls only enclose you,
From experiences created for your enjoyment,
You would learn to listen and believe,
Not everyone is out to get you,
Not every man is there to betray.
It is okay to open up,
It is okay to get to be understood.
That’s normal and that’s healthy,
In an environment built on mutual interest.
Most of all, you would learn to stop being ashamed.
Only you know why you flinch and cross your arms.
Why you take a step back and speak through clenched jaws.
You learned to protect yourself during a downpour of darts,
And you would unlearn it to permit love to enter,
But you would not be ashamed.
In time, you would find a man,
Whose body familiarises itself with yours,
And urges him to wake up,
10 minutes before yours does.
A man who crawls out of bed so quietly ,
Just to fix you breakfast.
It’s bagels, eggs, avocado and sriracha sauce,
You hate 4 out of 4 of those items.
But you love it,
Because you love him,
And that would never change.
A blessing and a curse.
I had lost my innocence trying to persevere,
Misplaced my happiness by choosing to stay,
Given up my voice listening to yours.
Most of all,
I lost my compassion trying to guard my heart.
I’m not the same person.
It’s easy to forget,
With the wind in your hair
And the unfamiliar taste of beer.
With music and laughter and vibes,
It’s easy to forget your fears,
The reason your soul cries,
And bleeds and hurts.
It’s the alcohol telling you lies
Like you’ll be okay,
Because it was never that deep.
But you get home,
Put your keys through the lock
And let yourself in.
Only to breathe an air of remembrance,
An air of familiarity.
This wasn’t made up, it’s a reality.
Forgetfulness doesn’t live here,
Not while there’s traces of evidence
In every inch of your living space.
This isn’t home anymore,
It’s a repertoire of memories…
Is your heart racing?
Because mine is too.
I close my eyes so my body can feel,
Shut my heart so my mind can process,
Bitter truths my stomach cannot digest.
If this wasn’t me, it would be someone else,
Somewhere else, maybe something else.
So I draw the blinds shut and kill the switches,
It’s impossible to think while engulfing all these inches.
I’ll try again tomorrow
While I hold my half empty bottle of sweet smelling red wine,
I look at you in dismay,
Because, you don’t love me,
You just love the way that my hips sway,
And twist and turn.
Knowing it doesn’t matter how far I drift,
I would always return,
To a place of convenience.
And once again it was your turn,
To have and to hold,
My physical form.
Because frail as I am,
I’m a perfect shelter from your temporary emotional storm.
A replacement, a substitute,
A woman willing to conform.
You don’t love me, you love that I can perform,
Tips and tricks like you’ve never seen before,
Do you find your mind wandering?
Are images of me still lingering?
In your mind, your memories,
Your deeply buried fantasies.
You don’t love me, you love that I’m broken.
Hurt beyond repair,
Tossed around like I was theirs to share,
Theirs to acquire. Theirs to devour.
Just let me be while I ache in silence.