As much as I may think I know you, I really don’t and that fact troubles me. It’s been only about two decades with you but, it feels like forever and a day.
This beautiful song ‘Desperado’ by Westlife came up and I saw you skip to the next one faster than the speed of light. I was going to ask why before I realised I knew your every thought. Your greatest fears and your temporary moments of weakness. More than anything, I was aware of the fact that you knew every single line of this desperado because I knew it too. I knew what each line meant to you. The reasons you loved this song and the reason you changed it.
1) “Oh you’re a hard one and I know that you’ve got your reasons”
I wish you would cry on the outside. Sometimes I struggle to stop myself from drowning in the pool of tears being shed on the inside but maybe you should release some physical tears. Just maybe. You don’t have to do what you’re not comfortable with. I experience the complications that life brings to you and am aware of the similarities between your ability to express emotions and the word complex. It is difficult for you and I both.
I feel your heavy heart drop with each disappointment. I’m deafened by the loud thumping sound your heavy heart makes ever so often. It’s fighting to keep you alive. We’re all fighting to keep you going. I feel the numbness in your limbs when you’re overwhelmed by fear. The fear of losing. But are you really scared of losing something that you never felt like you had?
‘But you only want the ones that you can’t get’
2) “Your pain and your hunger, they’re driving you home”
I see hundreds of unfinished poetry in your notes. I write them with you and I read along with you at night when frustration sets in and your vocabulary fails you. It’s okay because english is harder than you think. It’s okay because explaining your reality is harder than you think. The most important thing is that you stop pain from driving you into places you used to call home.
3) “And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone”
I understand that the term freedom is somewhat subjective but, can you at least agree that you are free? I know I sound crazy because I feel the weight you carry and I share your thoughts. However, an absence of freedom only exists in a space where there is lack of choice. Aren’t you happy that you can choose to put down this baggage? Choose to be happy, choose to live stress free. Let go and let God? How then are you not free?
I also understand that there are reasons you cannot be open, cannot bare out your soul for people to see. Sometimes I encourage against it too. Sometimes I like animosity. Sometimes I’m scared and I feel your fear overlapping with mine like constructive interference. Sometimes we’re wrong. Sometimes it’s clear from the beginning and sometimes it’s not. But if you have your walls built so high up, you’d only end up trapped in your prison, forced to walk this world alone.
I feel you struggle with trust. That dark cloud hovering over you is temporary. Remember last time when you thought you won’t make it? Remember how you felt?
‘Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away’
4) ‘It may be raining oh but there’s a rainbow above you’
Optimism is only the absence of pessimism. Change your perspective and gain the world.
“You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”
Let yourself love you. Let me love you.