It’s not about you,
Never been, never will be.
I know you secretly wonder if I was the same way with him,
But for you, I tried,
To unpeel myself from the wall,
Etched in closer till our personal space overlapped.
I practiced hugs which weren’t identical to two sumo wrestlers coming together to pull their limbs out,
Spoke about things that destroyed me, past and present,
Until I felt a prick in the back of my eyes,
Salt water trails crawling down my throat.
It stung, it hurt,
It was tears that I couldn’t cry.
Because if I start now, when would this emotional cascade end?
I have a lifetime of unspoken trauma,
I’m afraid it could kill me.
Afraid I would die without knowing life outside of these emotional constraints.
I’m not heartless,
Just fighting my demons.
Just hurting and healing,
And healing and hurting.
Just stuck in this vicious cycle of hope and helplessness,
Yet, I remain expressionless.
Get me out of here.
You try to be the best I’ve ever had,
But that doesn’t take much effort.
You don’t know that,
And I’ll never mention it.
Not my experience with abuse,
Not the insecurities bound to oxygen, flowing through my veins.
I’m afraid you’ll be inspired,
Afraid you’d come up with new methods of breaking my heart,
Tearing me down,
Stripping me of my self worth.
Like I’ve had with those that came before,
Like I’m used to.
What do I do now?
With this repertoire of unfinished poetry
All of these plans for the future
What the hell should I do
With the messages I typed up but never sent
And the ‘I love you’s” I said internally
The me too’s and the please stay’s
I can’t finish them because I can’t relate
These feelings I thought I felt
No longer emanate
From the pores of my heart
They don’t propagate
The longing feelings I felt from the start.
What do I do now?
In time, you would find a man,
Whose body familiarises itself with yours,
And urges him to wake up,
10 minutes before yours does.
A man who crawls out of bed so quietly ,
Just to fix you breakfast.
It’s bagels, eggs, avocado and sriracha sauce,
You hate 4 out of 4 of those items.
But you love it,
Because you love him,
And that would never change.
A blessing and a curse.
Close your eyes and count to ten.
Is life calmer now than it was then?
How long have you suffered?
Tell me, since when..
Did you choose to shrink yourself?
When did this all begin?
The world is full of evil,
Darling you are not the first to sin.
So lift your head up and pull your hair back
Just like you do his foreskin.
The world is our oyster,
And you are here to win.
I’ll keep refuelling this worn out battleship,
Until you promise to love me the right way,
Until you believe that lie.
I’ll keep pouring life into our relationship,
Until I begin to fade away,
Until I begin to die.