I feel like I haven’t blogged in a year. I don’t even know why I’ve abandoned my wordpress for so long. Okay I lied. There’s just too much going on right now. So many people are getting me angry including my “friends”. I’ve trusted the wrong set of people. Everyone’s just so unbelievably immature. There are people insulting my intellectual ability. I miss someone and at the same time, I feel used. Now, my brain and heart be playing tricks on me. I think I have made the biggest mistake of my life and, there’s no going back. I’m just confused and insecure about everything. The only things holding me together are my recent test scores. It’s scary because my insecurities and co have become a reality.
Well, that’s a summary of why I haven’t been here in a while. Yes, you care. Anyway, from my title you can tell that I’m not here to talk about my issues. I’ve got a story to tell you. It might not make a lot of sense but, I just need an excuse to put ‘stay’ by Rihanna up on my blog. It speaks for me in so many ways.
This is not the story of my life,
However I wish it could be.
It’s about a man and his soon to be wife,
Happy as can be.
He was there for her, listened to her endless ranting about things that didn’t concern him. He had work to do, exams to read for but, he took time out for his lover. It was important to him. She felt like a nuisance majority of the time. Forever pleading with him to ignore her but, all he did was ignore her meaningless pleas. Only because he was fully aware of the fact that she meant the exact opposite. What was this? Affection? True passion maybe?
Three years had passed and they were still going strong, he was done with university, time to move on. Schooling in a foreign land meant that he had to choose between going back and remaining on foreign grounds. Going back would put distance between him and his lover. Something they both hated. ‘It’s okay baby, there’s Skype and IM and FaceTime and Whatsapp’ she would constantly say. Trying so desperately to make him believe that she wouldn’t be hurt if he chooses to reside back at home. But, he knew. He could see through her facade of happiness and into her heart. The truth was her lips were saying something while her eyes were saying the opposite. Her eyes; ever so full of water concentrated with lysosomes. She fought to hold back the tears. The thought of losing her first love was choking her. She was terrified. However, he didn’t have to know that. She was aware of the fact that she wasn’t skilled in lying. Considering the fact that the only time she ever lied was when she was joking around with her friends. Lying was a taboo in the home that she grew up in and so, she had learned to always say the truth regardless of the consequences. Today, she would try hard to do the one thing that was strange to her. She was going to blatantly lie to the man of her dreams.
Every time they spoke about his future, she would end up in tears…silent ones. She had also learned how to cry without making a sound while growing up with heartless siblings. It was more like the survival of the toughest heart. He never heard her cry but their sort of connection made him feel her sorrow over the phone. Never bothered asking cause he knew she’d deny it. This didn’t upset him one bit because he knew what she was doing was out of love. She was familiar with the saying ‘if you love something, you have to let it go’ but, this was close to impossible. The first man she loved. The only man she had ever loved. The only man she knew physically and emotionally. Close to impossible was an understatement. But she had to if she loved him.
Weeks went by and they never spoke about the subject. She still went down on her knew every now and again committing her relationship into her Creator’s hands. ‘Father, allow us to stay strong till the end and if this is the end, give me the grace to be able to let go without breaking down’. Deep down, she knew she was fooling herself for she prayed without an ounce of faith. She couldn’t do it but she had to. So they’d talk about different things. What kind of wedding she wanted, how they’d love their babies to look like, how many babies, their dream home, babies’ names, their love for each other. They’d constantly promise from now till forever. Forever to her was until he moved back across the sea to his country.
She was 20 and he was 23; both young and head over heels for each other. The day of graduation came at last. His family was there and so was she. Evidently, she was part of his family. This might be the last time they might be together for she wasn’t sure if he was leaving with his family on today or not. Either way, she had chosen to wallow in the moment with him. As the top of the class, he was given the opportunity to make a speech. She stood right next to him on stage. To him, she was his rock and support. To others, she looked like just another accessory there to compliment his speech. It was all over and she had begun to fight her tears from falling out. He could see it, sense it, feel it. He couldn’t dare to leave her in this state and he didn’t. For her, he was going to spend the rest of summer before returning back. She was okay with this…at least for now.
Summer was amazing in more ways than one. They spent it in the Bahamas. Some fancy resort called jbhoviherohi. His parents offered to sponsor them, their graduating gift to the couple. She wasn’t sure if they did it out of joy or out of sympathy but, it didn’t matter much. She was there for two weeks with her soul mate. Thereafter she would think of the heart breaking goodbyes but for now, she was having the time of her life. She was completely in love with someone who was in love with her too and it felt magnificent.
On the last night of their holiday, they came together as one. It wasn’t the first time but, it was the best. Not just mere physical felicity but their souls seemed to be communicating to each other in a language that their mouths couldn’t speak. It was more than just sex, it was the real thing. Deep emotions, fear, love, all together at once. It was a worthy memory for the both of them.
The next day, they got on the plane and headed back to England. She would drop off here and take the tube back home while he would take a connecting flight back to South Africa. They both accepted it and agreed. At 3am, they landed in Heathrow and she decided to wait with him just for another hour before she bid him goodbye for the last time. He could sense her strength and hated himself for forcing her to be so strong. It reminded him of the stories she told him about her life as a child. She had always been forced to be a strong child, to hide the pain and act like everything was alright at such a young age. He promised to ensure that she’d never have to relive those moments again but, he had failed.
3:50am…ten more minutes to go. She couldn’t bear it. The whole time, she thought she was a strong woman but, she knew that she wasn’t strong enough to handle life without her lover. There was music playing in the background. This particular song was the theme song to her life story.
“All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot headed believer.”
The story of the life that is about to become hers
“Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can’t live without you”
The lyrics pierced through her soul. Every single word of it was the reality in which she lived. She battled with herself. Fought hard to suppress the emotional part of her. She couldn’t cry. Not now, not ever. Why was Heathrow doing this to her? Why was Rihanna doing this to her? She wanted him to staaaaaaaaay.
She switched on her phone wanting to take one last picture of this beautiful creature before her. Before she clicked on the camera icon, there was an incoming mail from him. When did he send this? She asked him but, he refused to tell. He looked just as dumbfounded as she did. So, she read it out loud. “Dear Mr Ell….accepting our job offer…..start on Monday…(company name)” she couldn’t contain her joy. Whaaaaaaaaat? So he knew all along that he was staying back? She should be mad but she could never be mad at her lover. ‘He did this for me, for us’ she thought. She was blessed and she knew it. He didn’t really have a connecting flight did he? He just wanted to see how long it would take her to turn on her phone and read the email. When did he forward it? ‘My baby always full of surprises’ she wanted to scream at the top of her voice and sing hallelujah to the heavens but, that would diminish her reputation so, she scrapped that idea. Instead, she settled for an emotion filled embrace. The rest could take place at home, their home. He had her man back and she was grateful. She was happy and he was happy.
But they were young and in love. Only once in a while does that love last until the last days of both lovers. On the case of Mr Ell and miss Ni, we will never know about the rest of their love life (only because I have the tendency of making the end sad and, a sad ending will make me cry). For the mean time, they are young adults very much in love. They’ve been through so much and decided to stay strong. I pray for such love in my life.
This is not the story of my life,
however I wish it could be.
It’s about a man and his soon to be wife,
Happy as can be.