For a long time I’ve carried hate in my heart. Hate for one of the closest people to me. You all must be thinking “wow hate? But you’re such a loving and forgiving soul”. Oh stop it guys, you really do flatter me ever so often. Anyway, I would stop myself from listening to music because I didn’t want it to remind me of anyone or any past experiences in the future. I thought ‘it’ was temporary hence, no memories. No remorse. Nothing.
This evil that I harbored within me was heavy. I was fond of remembering things and getting angry about it over and over again. Sometimes even in chronological order because my memory is just that good. It felt energy consuming and often, pointless but I had to hold on to my hate. I had to keep recollecting because if I didn’t…if I didn’t have anything negative to hold on to, I just might let myself feel happy and happiness is temporary right?. Happiness is always the interval between one depressing moment and another. The vacation you get between reoccurring sadness. I couldn’t let it go. It was too much. There was always this miserable day and that heartbreaking day. I would remember this moment and that moment. It was at this place and also that other place. You said these hurtful words and a few of those callous words. I couldn’t forget. Because if I forget. If I decided maybe to forget, I couldn’t use it in my defense again. If I forgot I might forgive and forgiveness too was temporary. The thing you do right before you realize the past still stirs up the same negative emotion. I would have to shut my mouth about the things that hurt me the most. My voice would not be heard and neither would the sound of my cries. I couldn’t forgive but, forgiveness was key and I needed to unbolt certain locks so I could be set free.
I couldn’t forgive just as much as I couldn’t pass my igcse’s or leave my country at 14 for college. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t move on from my “was I blind’s” and my “I should have known better’s”. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t get into university or allow myself to feel emotions. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t breathe but each second I doubted my next breath, my chest will rise once more and my lungs will fill with air. I could do whatever I wanted to because Philippians 4:13 said to me, even though you think it’s impossible baby girl, you can forgive.
On my road to redemption, I would sit through hours and hours of videos on YouTube about forgiveness. People would say they forgave someone who slapped me and I’ll scream ‘my situation was worse’ in my head; each time giving myself reason to continually accommodate the hate within me. After screaming back at my laptop, I would shamefully curl up in a ball and cry to my Maker for help. Only the grace of God can touch your heart, enlighten you and encourage one to want to forgive. I have come to realize that now.
Do I still do it? Do I still remember and feel negativity? Pretty much but, not really. If past memories come to my mind, I feel sad for a bit, shake my head and move on. I can’t stop my mind from drifting. Can’t stop things from reminding me of the evil I’ve gone through. However, I can always and forever change my reaction.
In time, you realize that emotions change people; both good and bad. “It’s either love or hate” they say. In reality however, there is no black or white…no either or. There’s just grey and we get to decide what shade of grey makes us happy. I’ve chosen to have more love in my mixture than hate in my mixture and I honestly don’t remember the last time I was this happy. It’s a beautiful thing when you let yourself love because yes, you feel like you’ve found your forever and a day beyond. At the same time, it teaches you a lot of life lessons; patience, empathy, acceptance, selflessness, endurance…too many to mention really but it also teaches about forgiveness. It only took forgiveness to convert my worst enemy to my bestfriend and I’m overjoyed.
The song above is just…I don’t have words for it. If however, I was blessed with a beautiful voice and the gift of song/lyrics writing, I would most likely put down those exact words and sing them like my life depended on it. Usually, a lot of the songs I fall in love with are songs that have one or two lines in them which reminds me of me or, someone else or, me and someone else. Y’know. Now it’s not just one or two lines it’s literally the whole song and I could just cry now. My best part as usual is the chorus especially ‘I’ve tried to numb the pain’.
From now till wherever God leads us