Update. 

This has been an amazing blogging year for me seeing as I’ve had a new post up almost every week. I don’t know where these creative juices are coming from but, they’re really flowing into my poetry. Regardless, I do feel like my pieces are starting to sound somewhat repetitive. By repetitive, I mean most of my poetry seems to be centred around the same topic. This isn’t bad at all but I’ve been itching to branch out a bit. Although, a majority of my posts would be depressing poems. Is this really the beautiful beast in me if there isn’t dark poetry being published?

In terms of ideas, I’ve been thinking of maybe taking part in challenges. I like this because the topics are usually so different to what I’m used to writing about. I’ve also had my friend suggest I write think pieces. This may prove challenging because I mostly only have strong opinions on things that deeply affect me and it’s extremely difficult to express myself in writing alone. One thing I’ve realised is I love talking because you get to express yourself with body language, facial expressions, tone of your voice etc. How do you capture all of this in writing alone? Hmm. I’m also considering featuring my YouTube beauty videos here and maybe writing stories as opposed to strictly poetry. 

There’s a variety of things to do but stepping out of my comfort zone is a scary journey that I cannot wait to embark on. What sort of things would you like to see on my blog?

Love,
A
X

March Playlist.

So I’ve been meaning to tell everyone about my current favourite songs for a while. I just never got round to it because I don’t usually know how to explain what certain lyrics mean to me although, I would try in this post.

These songs have been on replay throughout the month of March for a number of reasons. The main reason is because March is deadlines month at uni. I get stressed when I have too many things to do at once. Actually, I start to panic and with panicking comes worrying and overthinking. Usually, when you start overthinking about one situation, all these negative things start to resurface.

Let me explain better. This is exactly how my brain works – Ugh I have three pieces of coursework due in two weeks. How would I do that as well as study? I don’t want to fail *heart starts beating fast* I’m actually scared…last time I was this scared was two years ago when blah blah blah. Wow that really hurt me. Why did I stay there? Why would anyone do that to me? I’m so stupid for investing so much…wow my life is a mess

It’s a cycle and that is why I occupy my thoughts with more important things. It was just a lot harder this month. Which is partly funny because it’s been the most exciting month so far. I really should write an anonymous book about my 2017 encounters.

Anyway, this is what I’ve been listening to constantly. I’m going to point out the lyrics that moved me and give a brief explanation on why it touched me.

“Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you and ain’t nobody love you like I do.”

Imagine equating love with hurt. I love you therefore, I will hurt you the most. I’ve had someone say to me ‘you weren’t in a relationship with those guys but we’re dating so I wouldn’t treat you as nice’ mind blown lmao. Did I hear someone at the back say men boys are scum? This song really makes me angry. Life is so simple, if being with someone makes them unhappy then, let them be happy with someone else.

“Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you but ain’t nobody need you like I do’

There are people in this world that I feel like I need in my life. I may not go out of my way to force them to stay but, I do try to make sure we’re both in a space where we we’re comfortable enough to coexist together. So if you really needed someone in your life, you’d make them comfortable enough to want to stay.

 

I don’t know why but I absolutely love this song. Even though birdy didn’t sing the original song, I like her version better. The very first line of this song is so compelling. “Come one skinny love just last the year”. Imagine being in a space where you’re begging the love you think you have to last the year. This used to be me years ago like damn can this love last till May so we can have our anniversary and things would magically be different afterwards. The goal was to just last the year and I’d be so disappointed in myself for getting angry (rightfully) when I felt like I was being disrespected because that would eventually end up in an argument and arguments meant breakups and breakups meant my skinny love wouldn’t be able to last the year. So this line “And I told you to be patient and I told you to be fine” speaks volumes.

 

Honestly, I just like the way she said “you know you can’t have me. But you kiss me anywayyyyy”. Like don’t kiss me or touch my soul if you’re not ready to follow through.

 

This is just to add a little bit of banter to my playlist. There’s absolutely nothing funny about this song but I laugh every time it comes up because I sent this to someone once and my excuse was that I didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words. Please cry with me. I’m really dramatic because the only part of this song that had anything to do with me at the time was “say something”. Oh well, one more funny story to tell.

 

“Your heart is broken ‘cause I walked away”

I saw a tweet that said ‘the problem with empathy is you feel bad for toxic people as well’. We would never really know Beyoncé’s relationship problems but assuming Jay-Z really did step out on their marriage, surely she has the right to walk away right? I just think it’s so powerful how even in the midst of her hurt, she’s not only acknowledging that walking away hurt the love of her life. She even goes a step further to say “show me your scars and I won’t walk away”. I’m more of a show me your scars and I’ll replace them with deeper injuries type of girl but I guess in some situations, love really is selfless.

 

I can’t believe this song is so old. I hope my future husband is out there getting his heart broken so when we have our first dance to this song, we’d both sing “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you” with so much passion.

 

So I went for a 6lack concert on Monday and when I tell you my life is complete, I mean my life is complete. It was so surreal seeing the love of my life in person. Even though I was right at the back of the crowd, I could still feel the connection. Let me tell you guys a secret real quick…I send 6lack a message everyday on Snapchat. Issa relationship and he ain’t even know. I reply to his stories and give him words of encouragement because I feel like he’s hella shy. So I’m just always like ‘you are beautiful and you are talented and your album is amazing’ etc. My friends laugh but it’s okay because not everyone has to understand true love. Anyway, I love his whole album but this song is my song and I went crazy when he performed it. “I swear no matter what I touch it breaks so I no longer want to see your face”.

 

Love,

A

X

I Was Angry!

Hey lovies!

How’s everyone doing? Great? That’s amazing. So, I feel like everyone and their grandmother has heard ‘Broken-hearted girl’ by Beyoncé. If you haven’t, I’d put a link here. It really is an amazing song but the last song you want to listen to when you’re anything close to being down.

First time I heard this song was back in college. I have a flare for the dramatic so I would sing the lyrics like my love life (which was non existent) was falling apart. I remember one day this guy I was speaking to (whatever that meant at the time) sent me a “hey what’s up” message at about 2am which used to be fake deep hour back in the day. I replied talking about how I had “broken hearted girl” on repeat even though it had nothing to do with me but I felt it on a different level. Lol how pointless was that reply? Now that I think about it, it feels like I was learning the lyrics to a song that would eventually define my whole relationship in the next few years.

I’ve had somewhat of a challenging year so far. Challenging because I’ve had to make life changing decisions. Now, I don’t regret a single decision I made this year as they’ve all brought me to a place where I feel peace, happiness and freedom like never before. The challenging part was however making these decisions in the first place and having enough willpower to stick to the choices I made. That’s because it is so easy to run back to the things you’ve grown so accustomed to even though you know they’re bad for you. I’ve had bad dreams, days where I’m just not ready for life. There’s so much that I’ve had to deal with all at the same time. Prior to this year, I used to roll my eyes when people said things like “I’m going through a lot” but now, that’s the only response I can bring myself to say when anyone asks how I’m really doing.

So what does this have to do with Beyoncés song? I don’t know either but let’s keep going. 🙂

I’ve been all smiles these past two months so what went wrong? Two weekends ago, my hand was forced. I hate when I feel like my hands are being forced. So I ended up going to a place I swore I’d never return to. Interacted with people I swore I’d never interact with. You know, fake a smile, say my fake please and thank you’s and act like my insides weren’t telling me to smack certain people in the face. This whole encounter only lasted for 2 minutes but, it was the longest 2 minutes of my life. Following this, I got to have dinner with the loves of my life (yes I have more than one because life is short) and it was amazing. It was also emotionally challenging because these are people who saw me through it; whatever ‘it’ means. So there were a few “are you okay” and “how are you really doing” statements and I understand that this was genuine concern but it made me angry. Angry at myself, angry at my initial encounter, angry at the fact that I was in the same space as I was months ago.

The next day I ran back to my city like I always run away from situations that make me remotely emotional. You’d assume my glutes would be toned by now with the amount of mental running I do. I thought coming back home would solve all my problems. I mean, why shouldn’t it? This was a different city, different crowd, barely any reminders, almost no memories made. Sounds like the best solution right? Wrong.

“You’re everything I thought you never were

and nothing like I thought you could have been”

Human beings are generally delusional. If you disagree, Imma need you to email me an argumentative essay. It’s so easy to be delusional when there’s any kind emotions involved; both positive and negative emotions. Sometimes, you care about someone and you’re blind to their negative sides and that’s what I understand from this line. In the end, you’re a bit confused as to how this person ‘changed’ when in reality, you just couldn’t see them for what they really were from the beginning.

I was back in the comfort of my home listening to some music. That’s when Beyonce’s beautiful voice bursts through my earphones and I’m milli rocking while singing at the top of my lungs. It’s all fun and games until there’s a pinch at the back of my eyes. You know that pinch you feel right before you let go of your badbitch status…lol that pinch. These lyrics have nothing to do with me currently but there was a point in time where I would listen to this song and think Beyoncé wrote this for me. It’s amazing because I’m not in that space anymore and I haven’t been for years but thinking about it made my throat crack in a way that I could barely contain myself. This is funny because I’ve spent the last month talking about how little I feel and how disconnected I am with my emotions.

Damn Beyoncé, why you do me like that?

So I’m thinking cool beans, I just need to change the song and I’ll be fine right? That’s what I thought until I found myself shouting “I’m so angry” and “I hate you” at my reflection while listening to ‘No Longer Slaves’ (which btw is an amazing song). Now do you believe me when I say I have a flare for the dramatic? Maybe if I said hated myself enough times it’ll be real. Maybe if I blamed myself for staying in a situation that hindered me from growing as an individual or progressing in the way that I knew I could, I would feel better. Maybe if I chose to hate myself for pouring so much life into an association that only drained me mentally and physically I could finally make sense of my predicament. The problem with this is there’s really nothing not to love about me. I mean, have you met me? I’m lovely. Absolutely adorable even I could never hate myself and I know all the bad things I’ve done. So, clearly that was kind of pointless. Don’t scream at your mirrors ladies and gentlemen, you’ll only end up feeling mad.

“And though there are times when I hate you ’cause I can’t erase

The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face

And even now while I hate you, it pains me to say

I know I’ll be there at the end of the day”

I used to think that the opposite of love was hate. So when there was hate in my heart, I would conclude that I was over my situation but would be confused at how I still ended up back in the same situation after a few days. Boys and girls, the opposite of love is not hate but indifference, lack of concern, nothing.

It’s been a week since my mad episode and I’m back to laughing at every thing again which might suggest that I am indeed still mad. At the end of the day, we’re all bound to experience events that may change our lives forever. It is important to ensure that this doesn’t change your heart, doesn’t make you harbour hate or resentment but most of all, doesn’t hinder you from experiencing the finer things in life. Life really is beautiful.

“You say you got the most respect for me

But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving of me”

Moral of the story – Don’t listen to sad songs, they would eventually become your life story and you’ll find yourself shouting at your reflection.

Real moral of the story – Guard your hearts boys and girls or allow God guard them for you Phil 4:7.

Love,

Ak

X

Ask Yourself.

When was the last time you smiled?
Without holding back tears
Without blocking out empty threats
When was the last time you genuinely laughed?

How long has it been since you felt at peace?
Talked with hushed voices,
Stopped dwelling on your wrong choices
How long since you opened your eyes to clearly see?

Do you remember what it feels like to breathe?
So accustomed to your lungs collapsing
It’s those hands wrapped angrily around your neck, you’re choking
Do you understand that you’re finally free?

Love,
A
X

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Hey lovies,

So, a few months ago, I was busy planning my Valentine’s Day with a previous associate. Now, my Valentine’s Day plans include a spa date with a close friend and us piercing our cartilages together. I’m also going to take time out to send love messages to my female friends because for as long as I am on this single journey of mine, my friends have no choice but to act as my substitute boyfriends. While this may not sound as exciting as a weekend getaway with fancy dinner, I’m happy. Something I haven’t felt in a while.

 
I say all of this because I see people all over the internet focusing on the fact that they have nobody to love them. I mean, gifts and love letters are cute and all but not everyday true love, sometimes meaningless flings. I’ve read many tweets with people wishing they had this and that but, believe me when I say you don’t need anything that you don’t currently have. Even the bible says ‘I shall not want’. You have been made whole by the love of Christ. So whole that there is nothing that you should want. You are complete so remind me again why you have convinced yourself that you need another human being 🤔. I’m going to stop here before this turns into a lecture on selflove.

 
In the mood of Valentine’s Day, I uploaded two makeup tutorials. Yes! I’m into makeup as well. All these talents and I still choose to dedicate my life to science and research. Links are down below.

Make a decision to have fun today like you should have fun every day of your life. You are blessed. You are precious and you deserve the best 💜

 
Love,

A

X

No Title – 2

Words left unspoken
Promises repeatedly broken
Suppressed demons now awoken
Lifeless hearts laid out in the open
This wasn’t the life that was chosen

Love,
A
x

These Shoulders Are Not For You.

I see your hurt
You wear it shamelessly on your sleeve
Like you crave affection
Like you crave compassion

I feel your heartache, your distrust
But for you, I can barely grieve
Like my heart is hardened
Like my heart is darkened

I can see your plot for revenge
It’s the helpless facade, perks of being an introvert
Congratulations to ignorance,
Congratulations to those who believe

I feel your desperation
With feelings being expressed out in the open
Our oath to defend one another has long been broken

While you find solace in the pity of others
And build a home in emotionally draining human rejects
I only wish to remind you
That on the days where loopholes in friendships become clearer
And your support system is long gone,
These shoulders would never be for you to cry on

Goodluck!
A
x

2AM THOUGHTS

People say that the best way to get over things is to stay busy. 

What happens when you wake up from a nightmare at 2am with a racing heart and burning eyes? 

What happens when all you have to keep you company is your mind, your thoughts, your memories? 
Love,

A

x

False Memories. 

I’m in a weird place
Where my insides feel empty
But full of matter, not just space
And my words come out petty
Still with a smile on my face.

Stuck in this weird limbo
For what feels like a million centuries
With my head buried deep in these pillows
Hoping to get rid of false memories
Hoping to finally grow.

Love,
A
x