A. – Page 13 – Akunna Ezekwem

March 23, 2017March 23, 2017

Love Is Never Enough.

He hides in corners compiling secrets
Ensuring that you remain a foreigner
His ploy to keep you out
While locking you in
But he says that he loves you
And you want to believe.

He is present at meetings
Coughing up edited facts about you
Anything to build him up
While knocking you down
But he says that he loves you
And you want to believe.

He speaks to you in a way that disrespects
A way that does not glorify
A way that fails to uplift
No remorse, not an ounce of fear
But he says that he loves you
And you want to believe.

He silently studies you
Making mental notes of your insecurities
Only for leverage, to establish a sense of superiority
At the expense of your self confidence
But he says that he loves you
And you want to believe.

He says he could never be in love with you
Not today, not tomorrow
‘Maybe when we get married’
‘Maybe after we have kids’
But he still swears that he loves you
And you know damn well
That love is never enough.

Love,
A
X

March 19, 2017April 4, 2017

3AM.

I can only love you at 3am…

When my body longs,
And my soul is empty.
When I revisit my wrongs,
And my heart is heavy.

These times where I reminisce,
About reckless raunchy rendezvous.
These times where I silently search,
For statements sounding somewhat sentimental.

Because my imagination runs wild,
And my concerns are temporarily exiled.
Because I’m low on pragmatism,
And high on optimism.

The hour where my body begins to fall asleep,
But my spirit fights because it’s almost day.
The hour where I subconsciously wonder,
At what time of the day do you say
‘Wow I think I just might love her’?

Love,
A
X

March 17, 2017

Holy War.

Go ye therefore and heal all nations,
With love, hope and faith combined.

Make words of affirmation the ultimate medication,
For weak spirits, for feeble minds.

While condemnation becomes the ultimate jurisdiction,
Mutual faith really is the purest of its kind.

I have all I need but is it okay if I asked for more?
Like a sense of peace, a lack of worry,
Or a place to die and end this holy war.

Love,
A
x

March 15, 2017March 15, 2017

I Was Angry!

Hey lovies!

How’s everyone doing? Great? That’s amazing. So, I feel like everyone and their grandmother has heard ‘Broken-hearted girl’ by Beyoncé. If you haven’t, I’d put a link here. It really is an amazing song but the last song you want to listen to when you’re anything close to being down.

First time I heard this song was back in college. I have a flare for the dramatic so I would sing the lyrics like my love life (which was non existent) was falling apart. I remember one day this guy I was speaking to (whatever that meant at the time) sent me a “hey what’s up” message at about 2am which used to be fake deep hour back in the day. I replied talking about how I had “broken hearted girl” on repeat even though it had nothing to do with me but I felt it on a different level. Lol how pointless was that reply? Now that I think about it, it feels like I was learning the lyrics to a song that would eventually define my whole relationship in the next few years.

I’ve had somewhat of a challenging year so far. Challenging because I’ve had to make life changing decisions. Now, I don’t regret a single decision I made this year as they’ve all brought me to a place where I feel peace, happiness and freedom like never before. The challenging part was however making these decisions in the first place and having enough willpower to stick to the choices I made. That’s because it is so easy to run back to the things you’ve grown so accustomed to even though you know they’re bad for you. I’ve had bad dreams, days where I’m just not ready for life. There’s so much that I’ve had to deal with all at the same time. Prior to this year, I used to roll my eyes when people said things like “I’m going through a lot” but now, that’s the only response I can bring myself to say when anyone asks how I’m really doing.

So what does this have to do with Beyoncés song? I don’t know either but let’s keep going. 🙂

I’ve been all smiles these past two months so what went wrong? Two weekends ago, my hand was forced. I hate when I feel like my hands are being forced. So I ended up going to a place I swore I’d never return to. Interacted with people I swore I’d never interact with. You know, fake a smile, say my fake please and thank you’s and act like my insides weren’t telling me to smack certain people in the face. This whole encounter only lasted for 2 minutes but, it was the longest 2 minutes of my life. Following this, I got to have dinner with the loves of my life (yes I have more than one because life is short) and it was amazing. It was also emotionally challenging because these are people who saw me through it; whatever ‘it’ means. So there were a few “are you okay” and “how are you really doing” statements and I understand that this was genuine concern but it made me angry. Angry at myself, angry at my initial encounter, angry at the fact that I was in the same space as I was months ago.

The next day I ran back to my city like I always run away from situations that make me remotely emotional. You’d assume my glutes would be toned by now with the amount of mental running I do. I thought coming back home would solve all my problems. I mean, why shouldn’t it? This was a different city, different crowd, barely any reminders, almost no memories made. Sounds like the best solution right? Wrong.

“You’re everything I thought you never were

and nothing like I thought you could have been”

Human beings are generally delusional. If you disagree, Imma need you to email me an argumentative essay. It’s so easy to be delusional when there’s any kind emotions involved; both positive and negative emotions. Sometimes, you care about someone and you’re blind to their negative sides and that’s what I understand from this line. In the end, you’re a bit confused as to how this person ‘changed’ when in reality, you just couldn’t see them for what they really were from the beginning.

I was back in the comfort of my home listening to some music. That’s when Beyonce’s beautiful voice bursts through my earphones and I’m milli rocking while singing at the top of my lungs. It’s all fun and games until there’s a pinch at the back of my eyes. You know that pinch you feel right before you let go of your badbitch status…lol that pinch. These lyrics have nothing to do with me currently but there was a point in time where I would listen to this song and think Beyoncé wrote this for me. It’s amazing because I’m not in that space anymore and I haven’t been for years but thinking about it made my throat crack in a way that I could barely contain myself. This is funny because I’ve spent the last month talking about how little I feel and how disconnected I am with my emotions.

Damn Beyoncé, why you do me like that?

So I’m thinking cool beans, I just need to change the song and I’ll be fine right? That’s what I thought until I found myself shouting “I’m so angry” and “I hate you” at my reflection while listening to ‘No Longer Slaves’ (which btw is an amazing song). Now do you believe me when I say I have a flare for the dramatic? Maybe if I said hated myself enough times it’ll be real. Maybe if I blamed myself for staying in a situation that hindered me from growing as an individual or progressing in the way that I knew I could, I would feel better. Maybe if I chose to hate myself for pouring so much life into an association that only drained me mentally and physically I could finally make sense of my predicament. The problem with this is there’s really nothing not to love about me. I mean, have you met me? I’m lovely. Absolutely adorable even I could never hate myself and I know all the bad things I’ve done. So, clearly that was kind of pointless. Don’t scream at your mirrors ladies and gentlemen, you’ll only end up feeling mad.

“And though there are times when I hate you ’cause I can’t erase

The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face

And even now while I hate you, it pains me to say

I know I’ll be there at the end of the day”

I used to think that the opposite of love was hate. So when there was hate in my heart, I would conclude that I was over my situation but would be confused at how I still ended up back in the same situation after a few days. Boys and girls, the opposite of love is not hate but indifference, lack of concern, nothing.

It’s been a week since my mad episode and I’m back to laughing at every thing again which might suggest that I am indeed still mad. At the end of the day, we’re all bound to experience events that may change our lives forever. It is important to ensure that this doesn’t change your heart, doesn’t make you harbour hate or resentment but most of all, doesn’t hinder you from experiencing the finer things in life. Life really is beautiful.

“You say you got the most respect for me

But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving of me”

Moral of the story – Don’t listen to sad songs, they would eventually become your life story and you’ll find yourself shouting at your reflection.

Real moral of the story – Guard your hearts boys and girls or allow God guard them for you Phil 4:7.

Love,

February 23, 2017

Ask Yourself.

When was the last time you smiled?
Without holding back tears
Without blocking out empty threats
When was the last time you genuinely laughed?

How long has it been since you felt at peace?
Talked with hushed voices,
Stopped dwelling on your wrong choices
How long since you opened your eyes to clearly see?

Do you remember what it feels like to breathe?
So accustomed to your lungs collapsing
It’s those hands wrapped angrily around your neck, you’re choking
Do you understand that you’re finally free?

Love,
A
X

February 16, 2017February 16, 2017

What Do You Feel?

Do you feel yourself creeping?
Into my mind, my poetry, my prose,
Into every single thing that I compose,
Do you feel that happening?

Do you feel fatigued?
From running through my mind,
Jumping through neurones all intertwined,
Do you still feel intrigued?

Do you feel conjugated?
Like maybe you want to be here forever,
Like maybe you’re about to be incorporated,
Turn away while you still can, duck for cover.

Love,
A
X

February 14, 2017February 15, 2017

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Hey lovies,

So, a few months ago, I was busy planning my Valentine’s Day with a previous associate. Now, my Valentine’s Day plans include a spa date with a close friend and us piercing our cartilages together. I’m also going to take time out to send love messages to my female friends because for as long as I am on this single journey of mine, my friends have no choice but to act as my substitute boyfriends. While this may not sound as exciting as a weekend getaway with fancy dinner, I’m happy. Something I haven’t felt in a while.

I say all of this because I see people all over the internet focusing on the fact that they have nobody to love them. I mean, gifts and love letters are cute and all but not everyday true love, sometimes meaningless flings. I’ve read many tweets with people wishing they had this and that but, believe me when I say you don’t need anything that you don’t currently have. Even the bible says ‘I shall not want’. You have been made whole by the love of Christ. So whole that there is nothing that you should want. You are complete so remind me again why you have convinced yourself that you need another human being 🤔. I’m going to stop here before this turns into a lecture on selflove.

In the mood of Valentine’s Day, I uploaded two makeup tutorials. Yes! I’m into makeup as well. All these talents and I still choose to dedicate my life to science and research. Links are down below.

Make a decision to have fun today like you should have fun every day of your life. You are blessed. You are precious and you deserve the best 💜

Love,

February 12, 2017

No Title – 2

Words left unspoken
Promises repeatedly broken
Suppressed demons now awoken
Lifeless hearts laid out in the open
This wasn’t the life that was chosen

Love,
A
x

February 10, 2017

Dear A.

Dear A,

As much as I may think I know you, I really don’t and that fact troubles me. It’s been only about two decades with you but, it feels like forever and a day.
This beautiful song ‘Desperado’ by Westlife came up and I saw you skip to the next one faster than the speed of light. I was going to ask why before I realised I knew your every thought. Your greatest fears and your temporary moments of weakness. More than anything, I was aware of the fact that you knew every single line of this desperado because I knew it too. I knew what each line meant to you. The reasons you loved this song and the reason you changed it.

1) “Oh you’re a hard one and I know that you’ve got your reasons”

I wish you would cry on the outside. Sometimes I struggle to stop myself from drowning in the pool of tears being shed on the inside but maybe you should release some physical tears. Just maybe. You don’t have to do what you’re not comfortable with. I experience the complications that life brings to you and am aware of the similarities between your ability to express emotions and the word complex. It is difficult for you and I both.

I feel your heavy heart drop with each disappointment. I’m deafened by the loud thumping sound your heavy heart makes ever so often. It’s fighting to keep you alive. We’re all fighting to keep you going. I feel the numbness in your limbs when you’re overwhelmed by fear. The fear of losing. But are you really scared of losing something that you never felt like you had?

‘But you only want the ones that you can’t get’

2) “Your pain and your hunger, they’re driving you home”

I see hundreds of unfinished poetry in your notes. I write them with you and I read along with you at night when frustration sets in and your vocabulary fails you. It’s okay because english is harder than you think. It’s okay because explaining your reality is harder than you think. The most important thing is that you stop pain from driving you into places you used to call home.

3) “And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone”

I understand that the term freedom is somewhat subjective but, can you at least agree that you are free? I know I sound crazy because I feel the weight you carry and I share your thoughts. However, an absence of freedom only exists in a space where there is lack of choice. Aren’t you happy that you can choose to put down this baggage? Choose to be happy, choose to live stress free. Let go and let God? How then are you not free?

I also understand that there are reasons you cannot be open, cannot bare out your soul for people to see. Sometimes I encourage against it too. Sometimes I like animosity. Sometimes I’m scared and I feel your fear overlapping with mine like constructive interference. Sometimes we’re wrong. Sometimes it’s clear from the beginning and sometimes it’s not. But if you have your walls built so high up, you’d only end up trapped in your prison, forced to walk this world alone.

I feel you struggle with trust. That dark cloud hovering over you is temporary. Remember last time when you thought you won’t make it? Remember how you felt?

‘Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away’

4) ‘It may be raining oh but there’s a rainbow above you’

Optimism is only the absence of pessimism. Change your perspective and gain the world.

“You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”

Let yourself love you. Let me love you.

Love,
You
x

February 4, 2017February 4, 2017

Welcome.

You wear your heart on your sleeve
And I don’t blame you
It’s the joy of ignorance
Lack of experience
Naïveté in its purest form
I envy that
I envy you
I will continue to envy you
Until your body begins to slowly wither
As these men pass through welcoming doors
Only to take from you
Only to acquire
Pieces of your innocence
Pieces of your heart
Pieces of love
That you will swear never to give again
I want to but, I can’t save you
I can only welcome you to my reality

Love,
A
x