Author: A.

Hi Lovies,

 

I’m getting used to writing these short letters to my beautiful readers. It makes me feel like we’re communicating on a deeper level. Do you feel that too? No? okay be that way then :/.

 

Let me be the first person to say that I can believe that 2016 is over. For me, 2016 was the fastest year. It was also the best year I had ever experienced. Lately, I’ve been reading a few ‘end of the year’ tweets and they all sound so depressing and so full of regret which is quite unfortunate. Although I cannot judge or knock people down for speaking so negatively about 2016. I only feel sad for them because I used to be one of those people who would be full of so much regret and hate at the end of every single year. I always had a mental note of people I wouldn’t have spoken to, things I wouldn’t have said, places I wouldn’t have gone to, apologies I wouldn’t have accepted. Basically, I had an endless list of decisions I made and couldn’t take back. Ofcourse this weighed me down emotionally.

 

It wasn’t until the beginning of 2016 that I decided that I would no longer associate myself with the word ‘regret’. I had to completely remove that word from my dictionary for my own sanity. I realised towards the end of 2015 that my heart was heavy and overflowing with all these emotionally draining scenarios that I had experienced that year and years before. I used to constantly relive those moments and imagine how different the outcome would have been if I gave a different reply or, worn a different outfit or, had better grades or…something. I would have all these thoughts completely occupy my mind and leave me feeling so helpless because, I was constantly trying to change moments that had already passed. Trying to rewrite history, trying to undo the outcome of my mistakes. I wish someone would have told me that my mistakes were written in ink and not pencil so, I couldn’t just rub them away when I felt like I didn’t want to accept them.

 

My turning point was in September 2015 when I began reading ‘the secret’ by Rhonda Byrne and this book basically spoke about the force of attraction. I had only started reading it because I thought it was about physical attraction. Yes, I wasn’t particularly bright at that point in my life but I’m grateful by initial thought led me to read the book. This book basically pointed out the fact that once you allow one negative thought dwell in your mind, it will attract more negative thoughts. I know, I know, that’s common sense. However, sometimes, when people are struggling with certain situations, they are unable to think logically and find a solution to their problems. That was me. I couldn’t find the connection between my first regretful thought in January 2015 and my multiple regretful thoughts in December 2015. I couldn’t understand why I was always the one getting angry and harbouring all this negativity in my head while other people felt so optimistic about the new year.

 

I’ve just told you guys the coolest story ever because today is the 31^st of December and I’m thinking back on 2016 smiling at myself because I have never made me this proud before. I have been blessed over and over this year in ways that I don’t even deserve. I wish I could type every single blessing out but my fingers would fall off before I get the opportunity to finish typing it all.

 

This doesn’t mean I haven’t had trials and tribulations this year. I have had a few, just like in previous years but the best part of these mishaps was how I handled them. I had to deal with a lot of negativity, unnecessary hate and plain jealousy (something I face each year because people cannot accept that I am this awesome). By ‘deal with’, I really mean rid myself of anyone who brought negativity into my life and this only freed up space in my heart to build meaningful relationships with a lot more people who now uplift me and bring in so much positivity to my life. Also, I got rejected by Kings College London and that broke my spirit for months. Although, the worst thing that happened to me so far was losing a friend but, sometimes, you have to lose something small to gain something great. I gained something greater so, I wouldn’t take anything back.

 

In summary, I had had the best year of my life with some of the most difficult experiences but, the most valuable outcomes. I have grown to accept my decisions; both good and bad. I have learned to appreciate myself and not be so harsh in judging my mistakes. Also, instead of dwelling on past events and regretting, I now reflect and think of ways to prevent certain situations from reoccurring. Overall, I have just had the opportunity to grow and build this strong character than I am so in love with. I wish everyone would understand that you are not your mistakes, you are not your disappointments and you are not who people say you are. Just be happy:)

 

I was listening to ‘Hello’ by Adele and I almost shed half a tear (only half because real G’s don’t cry haha) thinking about this past year so I thought I should share.

 

Make every day in 2017 count

Love,

A

x

I’ve just spent 20 minutes trying to understand why the ‘a’ and ‘to’ in my title couldn’t be in capital letters too. Why is English so damn complicated?

As you can see, I have started this with an irrelevant complaint so, this whole post is clearly not going to make any sense. Get out while you still can. Shut your laptops, close your browsers, disconnect your wifi. Lol is life ever even that serious?

Really,

Is life ever that serious?

These past few months have been the best months of my entire existence. If that sounded like a lie, you are not alone. It sounds like a lie to me too but I’ve already put it out into the universe. I can’t take it back now. Just like how I can’t take back a lot of things that I have done, said and…eaten. Lately, I’ve been eating a lot and it’s really distorting this beautiful temple of mine but, that is besides the point of this post.

So I asked a question earlier on: is life ever that serious? I’d like if you could take a few minutes to think about this and give me an answer down below if you can. After that, I’d like for you to put that thought to the side as that is not the main focus of my post today (although, I would love to address this at some point).

For a while now, most of my thoughts have been focussed on the things that I wish I could take back. If you know me, you’d know this is absurd as I’m not one to regret or wish for a different outcome in any situation. I pretty much just accept my fate and keep it pushing. ‘keep it pushing’…my life motto. For some reason, things have been different.

You would assume these things I regret doing were important or at least a big deal but, far from it. I would list a few things that I wish I could take back below

• Eating six white chocolate twix bars in one night (Diabetes is real)
• Taking an uber back instead of the bus
• Sending off my visa application without proof of my damn degree certificate
• Sleeping for that extra hour instead of working out
• Leaving my flat at 9:45 instead of 9:30
• Replying that message immediately rather than 5 minutes later

Can you tell that I am clearly running mad?

The day that I stopped trying to dwell on my misfortunes or change the outcome of my actions was in primary three. My mummy had just bought me two pairs or earrings: studs and loops. Now it was easy to remove the studs from the cheap plastic packaging, I did that quickly. The problem was the loops. I struggled for so long and then decided to bend these loops backwards so they could slide out of the packaging. Smart right? That’s what I thought too until I realised I had completely distorted the shape of my new earrings. My mother was going to send me back to heaven when she found out.

I had spent the night crying my heart out and begging God to take back the clocks so I could undo my mistake. I even convinced myself that He agreed to that and when I woke up the next morning, I would get to relive the previous day again. LOL. I’m going to teach my children science from a very early age so they aren’t as ignorant as I was.

The next morning, my mummy asked for my earrings and I went to put on my studs. Not once did I mention my distorted pair of loops and here I am, alive and well because I kept that little secret to myself. I had to force myself to deal with the fact that I messed up my earrings and just move forward without playing the scenario over and over again in my head.

So, from an early age, I had convinced myself that if I ignored the consequences of my actions and focussed a greater goal (making my mother forget she gave me two pairs of earrings), everything would just go away. But, I’m looking at these fairy cakes I bought from sainsburys and they’re not going away.

I am currently half way through my coursework and felt the urge to write something. Maybe it’s stress or boredom or my own form of distraction. Maybe thinking about these irrelevant things is my way of stopping myself from dwelling on the real problems that I face: my unfinished coursework. All I know is these piano instrumental songs have me feeling all kinds of fake deep. So, I took a break off studying to write this.

How do you deal with your own regrets?

 

Love,

A

x