I Was Not Ready For God To Bless Me.

This morning, a friend of mine sent me a section of her daily devotional which said “Once God reveals His purpose, be prepared to move in the direction God has given.” And that took me back to a place of reference – my past.

I haven’t always been the woman that I am today. I haven’t always had my priorities in check and it was in this time that I somehow managed to find myself in a situationship that would change my life forever. During this same time, I had one prayer point and it went like this “God, if this is for me, give me perseverance if not, give me the strength to walk away.”. I was 17 and instead of being on the road to my glow up, my spirit was constantly screaming out the prayer of discernment over a situation I had no business dealing with.

2013, 2014, 2015, 2016…I have survival stories to tell that you may never believe but I’ll save that for another day. I spent all these years turning a deaf ear to my creator and ignoring signs that I prayed for. Worst of all, I spent it wondering what was wrong with me because I couldn’t single handedly control my situation. I couldn’t convince a boy to mature into a man or at least act like he wanted to be a man. I had spent years angry at not only myself but at somebody else’s future husband for not being right for me, not respecting me, not attempting to encourage my growth. In the winter of 2015, I had attended the TNR conference which took place at Hope City, Sheffield and I was a complete wreck. At some point, I attempted having a conversation with the pastor’s wife…attempted because what really happened was I tried to force inaudible sounds out of my mouth and through my tears. The reply I got was “if someone is making you this upset, then this isn’t the situation that God has ordained for you”. Somehow, that was not enough. I wanted someone to put their hand on my head and magically take all my problems away. I imagine God was looking down at me with His head in His palms like ‘how is my daughter so smart yet so stupid?’.

My life was a series of unfortunate events where I would experience one bad situation after the next. Each worse than the previous and rather than jumping out of the boiling pot I was in, I kept readjusting in order to acclimatize with the increasing temperatures. Back in high school, my house master spoke a lot about what he referred to as bending – basically, we’re brought up with morals and home training which acts as a backbone of some sort and allows us to stand tall, above others who lack discipline. Each time we choose to ignore our core values and give in to peer pressure, we lose a bit of our backbone so we bend. Like old people bend to relief back pain even though that’s worse in the long run. I kept bending. Working on things. Sorting issues out. So focused on resolving a situationship that my loving Jesus couldn’t bear to see me stay in. I kept saying a prayer that I didn’t believe in but God heard it and He was going to deliver me regardless of how little my faith was or how little my will power was.

2016 – I had started my masters in a completely different city. The idea was to move far away because out if site out of mind. My signature method of walking away is disappearing from your life once I’m bored so that was the plan. Until it turned out this boy also applied for masters in London. There was nothing I had ever prayed against more than I prayed against him moving to the same city as me. This was not going to be another year of repetition. This year, I was ready to be pushed out of my situation. I was ready to walk away until I got broken up with in November lmfaoooo. Y’all once again this is story for another day but, instead of picking up my cross and going, I kept trying to get a logical reason like this was science and somehow there would be solid evidence or at least a substantial reason. Even though I had mentally checked out of my situation, I was pulled back in with stupidity of course. Imagine the look on my creators face. Wow I’m so embarrassed. This is how I spent the rest of 2016 in a toxic ass manipulative situationship ladies and gentlemen.

It didn’t take until one irrelevant conversation in 2017 January to make me completely erase the “mumu” that was written on my forehead. This was unlike every other conversation we had had. I say conversation but I mean argument because that is what all our conversations comprised of. This was barely an argument that cut deep. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before or anything that was worse than every other argument but that was my problem. It was the same old shit. I was a young, vibrant 21 year old woman who was stuck in a cycle of one argument after the other. It was the same old shit. Like how have we not grown since 2013? How do I plan on reliving this nightmare for another 12 months? How was I going to succeed at my masters while being in the same situation that almost made me fail my undergrad? So many questions, so little time because I had already written my first exam and I had three essays due in two months and then 4 exams after that. So I did what I did best, I disappeared. Abracadabra bobi gandro, disaporada my nigga.

At that point that I was ready for the greatness that was awaiting me. I was ready to be pushed out of this situation I held on to for so long. And it’s funny because people always ask “how do you know when it’s time to leave?” the truth is, you just do it. I looked at my phone and said I’m not dealing with this today or any other day and I went out. Came back home the next day, looked at my phone and said the same thing again. This was my ritual every single day until I didn’t have to remind myself that I was not going to deal with this ever. That was single handedly the easiest thing I had ever had to do in the past 4 years of my life. That was also when I realised God worked in amazing ways because two months after when I saw my January exam results, I had gotten a 59%…An insight to what my grades would have all looked like if I decided to keep being stupid after January 😂😂.

For everyone that has asked me what I’m most grateful for, they have heard the same reply – My new found peace of mind. Although, I am also grateful for amazing friendships, uninterrupted happiness, solid relationships and so much more. I still have sleepless nights but at least these aren’t due to depression or fear of what misery tomorrow would bring. I don’t have to spend hours thinking of my situation and attempting to device a master plan to make my relationship work by force. Also, I am 10x more beautiful than I have ever been so, if you think you’re ugly, dump your boy/girlfriend.

We all ask God for blessings and miracles without first asking ourselves if we are ready for these things. We haven’t attempted to put ourselves in an environment that makes it possible to receive these blessings that we pray for through tear filled eyes. Sometimes God says not yet and other times like in my case, He tries to forcefully remove you but once again, you have to be ready to be uprooted. Free will is both a blessing and a curse really but I pray that we somehow learn how to prepare for everything that we pray for so, we don’t end up being the reason for our stagnancy in life. The best day of my life so far, was the day I became ready for my blessings and I have not once shied away from any blessing from God regardless of how overwhelming it seems to be at the time. I know better than to hold on to a place, a person, a lifestyle due to mere familiarity because, I have seen that what is coming is so much greater than everything I have received in the past.

P.S I’m currently listening to conversations at a diner and the lyrics have me shaking. I mean ‘now your heart is mine, I need it’, ‘we shared a hug, you closed your eyes, I’m in the dark, never ever let you go there’s no way’. You may or may not be right if you assume my next post is about not letting my mcm go.

Stay ready for your blessings!

When Do You Give Up On Love?

1) When you are more in love with memories than with your present situation.

– Memories are created sometimes out of false perception; A biased account of what really happened. If you are happier in your memories made than in the memories you are currently creating, you’re really inlove with your imagination.

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2) When love hurts. 

-injuries hurt and so the moment love begins to, that too turns into an injury. A scar tissue in your heart. A medical condition. Endeavour to flee from the source of your disease.

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3) When emptiness becomes an entity. 

-Love is your friend, your partner, your rock when you’re down and your biggest supporter. Love is a constant companion too. There is no space for emptiness where love is established.

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Love,
Dr A
x

February The 14th.

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I did one of these I hate valentine’s day posts last year around this time so, I’m here thinking ‘maybe I should make this into a series’ kind of like in Nigerian movies where a random male voice keeps screaming ‘watch out for part two’ at you. This might be yet another one of my ‘love sucks’ kind of posts because of the feeling I have in my gut.

Lately I’ve been mistreated, misplaced and misunderstood. Pushed to my elastic limit and beyond. I have been 50shades of miserable and felt everything but the dignity that I am entitled to as a human being. The eyes behind these words have familiarized themselves with the once foreign and salty substance that flows freely through them. The fingers behind this keyboard, raised up to God for vengeance and the heart… The heart that once beat in a rhythm soothing to the soul, one so calm yet, bringing forth happiness and a sense of self peace. The heart now beats in tune with its anger and fear as well as its elongated period of rejection. 

So, why have I told you my story which isn’t cool enough to put children to bed? I’m not entirely sure to be honest. All I know is that my mishaps have changed me in a way that I cannot fully comprehend. I’m now looking at the title of this post wondering why I’ve gone so off point. Anyway, I’ve come to realize that after every terrible situation, there’s always some sort of wonderful epiphany. I haven’t quite found mine yet but, I’ve been thinking lately and writing…thinking while writing. 

I have been thinking about my life past, present and future. The people in it, their mission in my life, my own mission in my life. Whether or not I’m holding on to something I really shouldn’t be. All the things I write about and how sometimes, I revisit them when I’m less troubled thinking ‘I don’t see why I thought this was so deep at the time’. Then I wonder if that’s what my beautiful readers think. It doesn’t bother me much because I believe that the eyes see only what the hands write while the heart is troubled. If you fail to see, you will never have the opportunity to understand and, that’s fine by me. As long as you’re happy and I’m happy…in a different generation or life time.

So what does February mean to me? Nothing really but most people refer to it as the month of love. Next week happens to be Valentine’s Day and so many girls are looking forward to it; your girlfriend, your side chick, the person you’ve been leading on in the past few months. A lot of men obviously don’t value this day but trust me, if you disappoint, you too will be disappointed in the days following that. 

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I came across this picture {above} the other day and it seemed funny at first because it reminded me of one of my situations. Then I looked at it again thinking ‘wow’. It made me realize that there are men in this world who treat their women like faulty, used instruments. Men who neglect, maltreat and use the women that they have been blessed with. That however isn’t the touching part. I started to think about the women in these situations. The virtuous woman, the praying wife and the enduring girlfriend.

How is this relevant to Valentine’s Day? Well honestly, it isn’t but, I’m going to make it relevant…I hope. According to the picture, these men don’t care and truth is, the women already know this. Despite the ill treatment and the pain and the buildup of hate, disgust and regret(I’m assuming here), the women stay. They stay to fight. Stay to conquer. Stay to cry in hope that one day, laughter will wipe away their tears. Most importantly, they stay to love a lot more than they hate. If women in unbearable situations (which I do not approve of) still stand for and believe in love, then it must be real. Hmm.

I actually came here to condemn this emotion that humans are so quick to associate themselves with. I was so eager to rat out my hate for the idea of love. Couldn’t wait to find a way to connect love with lies, caring to ignorance and happiness to self deceit. I was more ready than ever but, I got told something once by my support system at the time (4 years ago). He said sitting beside me, in front of a pole ‘if I got asked which was more real to me; this pole right here that we can both see and love, I would always choose love. Such deep words coming from a 15 year old. I was completely taken aback. 

I understand that this thing called love may not work out for half of us. At least it’s real and we could all have a shot at it. If and when it goes sour, just pour it down the sink like you do with your milk. I’ve heard of adventurous love, captivating love, reckless love and one that has recently been used on me by my warrior of a friend…calm love. I have a spirit young as the new born’s, a heart the diameter of the earth and the mind of an adventurer. I cannot wait till the day I get to experience all types of love. The day I fall hopelessly and stupidly in love, fiddle around a bit in the mess that I painfully fell in, wrap myself up in a dark corner, transition into an even more beautiful creature and fly right out of the love hole that I fell in with my new wings. Sounds painful but I believe there’s no reward in loving if you have no pain or regrets or lessons learned. 

I found a quote by Daphne Rae about loving until it hurts 
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
I like the idea of the absence of hurt. Imagine not feeling pain, an all too familiar feeling for me. I’m beginning to sound naive.

Now it is common fact that it’s very painful to wait for something that isn’t waiting for you. So, I hope that the beautiful soul I’m waiting to fall deeply in love with is sitting somewhere anticipating the day they get to fall just as hard for me. I pray the same for my amazing readers…Amen? 

I’ve always hated the 14th of February since day one. I wouldn’t wish anybody happy nothing. Once I got wished happy valentine’s day by someone I emotionally hurt in a bad way. I should have believed then but, I didn’t think too much about it. Last year, I wore all black. Also got pestered by some guy that I couldn’t care less about while I was nonexistent for that day by the person I believed I fancied…haha petty boys, always trying to find ways to not spend the little money that they don’t have and I personally don’t need. This year, for the hopeless women that still believe in love, I too have become a believer. I’m even going to look forward to the beautiful flowers and romantic box of chocolates that I will be surprising myself with next week.

I’m going to end this with a line from drake’s rap in fireworks. He said
“I want to witness love, I never seen it close”
Must be a beautiful thing to experience so, I’ll try again. First try, second try, third try, BLISS. Right?

Love,
Hopelessly romantic and naive A
x

February, The Month Of Love?…Love?

Wow it’s February already and a lot of people refer to this month as ‘The month of love’. I’ve never experienced love per say but, this post is about A, not me. Love? Hmm, I am unaware of the meaning of that word. I’m not talking about the definition because I could just get that off any random dictionary. Today’s post today is concentrated solely on love. Feel free to correct me if I misunderstand the meaning of the word or even the effect of love on humans. I am but a learner in this category.

Dear lovies,

Hi, my name is A. A for anonymous. A for a girl. A for a hopeless romantic. A for anything but perfect. My friends call me ‘A’, my family calls me ‘A’, random people that claim to know me call me ‘A’ so, ofcourse, you may call me ‘A’. That’s all you have to know about me, for now. As an anonymous girl who is hopelessly romantic and far from perfect, I have a lot of fantasies about falling in love. It’s disgusting really but, I did not choose the love-struck thug life, the love-struck thug life chose me.

Once upon a time (Why are you reading the rest of the story without saying ‘time time’?!), I got asked ‘A, how far your love life now?’ All I could manage to say was ‘my nonexistent love life is a joke’. Forever alone lomo. It was a joke at the time and, I actually said it to someone that I fancied…fancy. A while later, I thought about that statement. About what exactly it was that hindered me from changing that situation. About what I wanted from love; this strong, powerful and passionate word which I knew nothing about. Then I came up with a few ideas of what I thought love entailed. Actions, Words, Privileges and Positive Emotions. They’re all a bit over the top because I watch a lot of romantic movies and read a lot of romantic books. I am fully aware of the fact that movie relationships are all fiction but, it’s a lot more interesting to read about than the real thing.

All the things I said above are just to add bulk to this post haha, I apologize. Please do read on. I’m going to start writing in third person so as to make this sound a lot less personal but first, I’ll provide the definition of ‘Love’

“Love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions.” NO LIMITS OR CONDITIONS

For A however, love is a feeling that she doubts she will ever feel.  It’s always been something so farfetched and things haven’t quite changed. Something she thinks she wants but might not get right now. A wants to feel love, to understand what it means. She wants to run in the park hand in hand with the one that she’s emotionally attached to. She’d love to keep half of her clothes in her lovers’ home. To be able to say any and everything to the one that she loves. A doesn’t want much. She just wants to be normal. She wants to know that she can be normal. She wants to know that there’s nothing wrong with her emotionally rather than physically. She desperately searches for the man that will look beyond her physical appearance. Attractive as she may or may not be, she believes that there’s more to her and she’s yet to find anyone that is interested in the ‘more’ bit. She’s looking for depth; something deeper than mere lust or infatuation. A wants to fall in love…to fall deeply in love. To have someone to call her emotional rock, someone she can depend on, someone to trust forever and ever. She wants to feel this imaginary connection. To be able to kiss her lover whenever and however and wherever she wants. She wants to be off the market. To be able to speak to the same person for months without one dull moment. She wants to fall hopelessly in love. The ‘ IDGAF about tomorrow, all that matters today is that I love my man and he loves me’ kind of love. Or, as Alicia Keys put is, “that off the wall won’t stop till I get enough kind of love”. A wants surprises and cute messages and unexpected kisses and reckless love making. She wants beautiful poems and ridiculously cute stories about her love affair. She wants to listen to happy love songs and have her thoughts drift off to her one and only. She wants to go to bad and wake up in the arms of her lover. To kiss her baby first thing in the morning and think of how happy his presence has made her rather than the amount of bacteria that is being introduced into her buccal cavity. To arise come morning grateful to God for the partner he’s blessed her with. She wants to happily stare at the beautiful creature lying down beside her; overcoming the urge to caress his face. She wants to forget what being lonely feels like. To be able to turn ‘runzerz’ and numerous “P’s”down with justification. She wants to feel requited love, passion and need. She wants the world to see the love emanating from her and her lover.

So, now that we’ve concluded that A is the biggest dreamer on earth, I’d like to tell you a few things that she’s prepared to embrace.

The painful arguments, the crack in her heart when her lover is mad at her. She wants to be on the verge of tears when it seems like her relationship is coming to an end. She wants to feel like an overcomer when things eventually work out. She wants the real deal, all of it. Most of all, she wants to stop fantasizing about something she doubts she’ll ever have. Tell A it’s okay to dream a little.

Love,

A’s other half

x