I Was Not Ready For God To Bless Me.

This morning, a friend of mine sent me a section of her daily devotional which said “Once God reveals His purpose, be prepared to move in the direction God has given.” And that took me back to a place of reference – my past.

I haven’t always been the woman that I am today. I haven’t always had my priorities in check and it was in this time that I somehow managed to find myself in a situationship that would change my life forever. During this same time, I had one prayer point and it went like this “God, if this is for me, give me perseverance if not, give me the strength to walk away.”. I was 17 and instead of being on the road to my glow up, my spirit was constantly screaming out the prayer of discernment over a situation I had no business dealing with.

2013, 2014, 2015, 2016…I have survival stories to tell that you may never believe but I’ll save that for another day. I spent all these years turning a deaf ear to my creator and ignoring signs that I prayed for. Worst of all, I spent it wondering what was wrong with me because I couldn’t single handedly control my situation. I couldn’t convince a boy to mature into a man or at least act like he wanted to be a man. I had spent years angry at not only myself but at somebody else’s future husband for not being right for me, not respecting me, not attempting to encourage my growth. In the winter of 2015, I had attended the TNR conference which took place at Hope City, Sheffield and I was a complete wreck. At some point, I attempted having a conversation with the pastor’s wife…attempted because what really happened was I tried to force inaudible sounds out of my mouth and through my tears. The reply I got was “if someone is making you this upset, then this isn’t the situation that God has ordained for you”. Somehow, that was not enough. I wanted someone to put their hand on my head and magically take all my problems away. I imagine God was looking down at me with His head in His palms like ‘how is my daughter so smart yet so stupid?’.

My life was a series of unfortunate events where I would experience one bad situation after the next. Each worse than the previous and rather than jumping out of the boiling pot I was in, I kept readjusting in order to acclimatize with the increasing temperatures. Back in high school, my house master spoke a lot about what he referred to as bending – basically, we’re brought up with morals and home training which acts as a backbone of some sort and allows us to stand tall, above others who lack discipline. Each time we choose to ignore our core values and give in to peer pressure, we lose a bit of our backbone so we bend. Like old people bend to relief back pain even though that’s worse in the long run. I kept bending. Working on things. Sorting issues out. So focused on resolving a situationship that my loving Jesus couldn’t bear to see me stay in. I kept saying a prayer that I didn’t believe in but God heard it and He was going to deliver me regardless of how little my faith was or how little my will power was.

2016 – I had started my masters in a completely different city. The idea was to move far away because out if site out of mind. My signature method of walking away is disappearing from your life once I’m bored so that was the plan. Until it turned out this boy also applied for masters in London. There was nothing I had ever prayed against more than I prayed against him moving to the same city as me. This was not going to be another year of repetition. This year, I was ready to be pushed out of my situation. I was ready to walk away until I got broken up with in November lmfaoooo. Y’all once again this is story for another day but, instead of picking up my cross and going, I kept trying to get a logical reason like this was science and somehow there would be solid evidence or at least a substantial reason. Even though I had mentally checked out of my situation, I was pulled back in with stupidity of course. Imagine the look on my creators face. Wow I’m so embarrassed. This is how I spent the rest of 2016 in a toxic ass manipulative situationship ladies and gentlemen.

It didn’t take until one irrelevant conversation in 2017 January to make me completely erase the “mumu” that was written on my forehead. This was unlike every other conversation we had had. I say conversation but I mean argument because that is what all our conversations comprised of. This was barely an argument that cut deep. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before or anything that was worse than every other argument but that was my problem. It was the same old shit. I was a young, vibrant 21 year old woman who was stuck in a cycle of one argument after the other. It was the same old shit. Like how have we not grown since 2013? How do I plan on reliving this nightmare for another 12 months? How was I going to succeed at my masters while being in the same situation that almost made me fail my undergrad? So many questions, so little time because I had already written my first exam and I had three essays due in two months and then 4 exams after that. So I did what I did best, I disappeared. Abracadabra bobi gandro, disaporada my nigga.

At that point that I was ready for the greatness that was awaiting me. I was ready to be pushed out of this situation I held on to for so long. And it’s funny because people always ask “how do you know when it’s time to leave?” the truth is, you just do it. I looked at my phone and said I’m not dealing with this today or any other day and I went out. Came back home the next day, looked at my phone and said the same thing again. This was my ritual every single day until I didn’t have to remind myself that I was not going to deal with this ever. That was single handedly the easiest thing I had ever had to do in the past 4 years of my life. That was also when I realised God worked in amazing ways because two months after when I saw my January exam results, I had gotten a 59%…An insight to what my grades would have all looked like if I decided to keep being stupid after January 😂😂.

For everyone that has asked me what I’m most grateful for, they have heard the same reply – My new found peace of mind. Although, I am also grateful for amazing friendships, uninterrupted happiness, solid relationships and so much more. I still have sleepless nights but at least these aren’t due to depression or fear of what misery tomorrow would bring. I don’t have to spend hours thinking of my situation and attempting to device a master plan to make my relationship work by force. Also, I am 10x more beautiful than I have ever been so, if you think you’re ugly, dump your boy/girlfriend.

We all ask God for blessings and miracles without first asking ourselves if we are ready for these things. We haven’t attempted to put ourselves in an environment that makes it possible to receive these blessings that we pray for through tear filled eyes. Sometimes God says not yet and other times like in my case, He tries to forcefully remove you but once again, you have to be ready to be uprooted. Free will is both a blessing and a curse really but I pray that we somehow learn how to prepare for everything that we pray for so, we don’t end up being the reason for our stagnancy in life. The best day of my life so far, was the day I became ready for my blessings and I have not once shied away from any blessing from God regardless of how overwhelming it seems to be at the time. I know better than to hold on to a place, a person, a lifestyle due to mere familiarity because, I have seen that what is coming is so much greater than everything I have received in the past.

P.S I’m currently listening to conversations at a diner and the lyrics have me shaking. I mean ‘now your heart is mine, I need it’, ‘we shared a hug, you closed your eyes, I’m in the dark, never ever let you go there’s no way’. You may or may not be right if you assume my next post is about not letting my mcm go.

Stay ready for your blessings!