How Long Is He Staying?

You prepare a banquet within yourself
For these men to attend.
Still, I don’t judge you,
I am not here to pretend
Like these aren’t mistakes we’ve all made
Or the pathway to redemption is clear as day.
They do not deserve you,
Not in this way.
And I know it’s tempting to argue
Because he was better than the previous
But aren’t they all still so devious?
Haven’t they all been so pretentious?
It kills me to watch you starve yourself,
Just to quench his thirst
While you put his selfish desires first
Failing to reconsider
Your reasons for wanting to be thinner,
Shorter, funnier, more of a looker.
Yes! He is physically here
But my love,
How long is he staying?

A.

What Would You Do?

If I showed you my soul,
Would you run away?
Would you break free from these chains,
And then go astray?
Now aware of the poison flowing through my veins,
Would you flee?
I just want to know.

If you tasted my thoughts,
Would you look at me in dismay?
Afraid of what my brain conceives,
Reminded that what you see
Is merely what you chose to perceive
That is not my reality
It is not a representation of me.
I just want you to know.

If you felt my heart,
Would you choose to stay?
Now aware of its fragility,
Compensated partly
By my lack of attention
In words intended to create tension.
I feel everything.
So would you hold me,
And remind me that I’d be okay?
I just want to know.

A.

I Don’t Blame You.

I wish I could lie,
And say you left me empty.
Use the absence of one last goodbye,
As an excuse for me being petty.

I wish I could convince my heart,
That the distance made me crazy,
And you were the reason I fell apart.
Like it was that easy.

But I don’t blame you for these tears,
I blame gravity.
And you have never been the reason for these fears,
It’s just my insecurities,
My inability
To separate fantasies from my reality.

This whole time, it was never you,
It was me.

A.

Addiction.

Roses are red
And violets often appear to be blue
Totally unrelated but,
I’m a slave to my addiction
And that addiction is you.

A.

Stay Gone.

Do not attempt to resurrect abolished emotions
Or tales of a love that we once shared
Moments in time where you made me laugh
And rare occasions where I caused you to flush
Bright pink like the shade of my insides
Delicate areas which you once attended to
Filled up with your wholesome
Don’t be the reason I rediscover our memories
Long forgotten inside jokes
Phrases familiar only to us both
There’s nicknames and subtle shade
Recipes and familiar scents
Do not come here and open up the flood gates to the back of my head
A place where I stuff experiences I would love to forget.

A.

I Give Up On Poetry.

I haven’t written a word of poetry
In the wake of your departure
Afraid my words would depict
Enclosed emotions I am yet to predict
Those I fail to recognise
Because although internalised,
My body rejects it
And so my lips don’t dare hum a new rhythm
No new sounds
Not for fun, not for any reason
In attempt to avoid creating
Lyrical ensemble inspired by what was
Unearthing the pain to decipher its root cause
I cannot afford to turn this into music or poetry or rhymes
Cannot bare to make this real
So I give up on stanzas and lines
On everything that makes me feel
Trapped and secluded
Everything I’ve struggled to remain eluded
I’ve been here before
I don’t want to revisit, I don’t want this anymore. 

A.

My Greatest Escape 

There are pastels and acrylics,
Water colours and oils.
For every empty canvas,
An opportunity to vibrantly portray emotional torment at its extremes.
Every stain, a physical representation of the internalised screams.
While each slope symbolises instability,
And varying shades of a single colour attempts to depict the blurred line between nightmares and reality.
It must be amazing being able to express yourself through art.

There are plasticines and all things mouldable,
Exquisite flower vases and cups only designed for use at the breakfast table.
Explain to me once more, pardon my repetition,
The joys of watching life germinate from skillfully molded products of your depression.
Or the irony of one rehydrating themselves with ceramic vessels designed through waterlogged eyes,
And dry patchy skin, the body acting out of dehydration.
It must be amazing being able to express yourself through pottery.

There are strings and drums,
Woodwinds and your lungs.
Melodies with beautiful relentless symphony,
Multiple instruments all together in harmonious synchrony.
Even with the voice of an angel, it’s the lyrics that cut the deepest,
The vibrations in the air, they tell a story.
Although sopranos may not always indicate suicidal thoughts of drowning in the middle of the sea,
And contralto may not necessarily voice out your lowest moments,
It must be amazing being able to express yourself through music.

But what do I know
Despite being surrounded by all this talent
Poetry remains my greatest escape.

A.

All You Had To Do Was Love Me. 

I heard people talk
Down the hallways, on the sidewalk.
The whispers got louder, I heard them too.
It shouldn’t have mattered how much it hurt you
Because it hurt me a thousand times more.
If only you asked me just once, it would have been something you knew.
All you had to do was choose me over mere rumours.

While voices soared and a deep feeling of resentment set in,
I chose to lend a deaf ear to carnal words, chose not to feel.
Believed that I saw you and your intentions buried underneath all that tough skin.
Until the wounds made cuts so deep, it took forever to heal.
And attitudes were altered, only revealing the once hidden monster.
All you had to do was see who I was even in the midst of anger.

In these last moments,
I can’t help but dwell on nothing but my defeat.
It’s been years of battling with bottled up anger.
Staring out the window because I only feel at peace once I let my mind wander.
Filtering through memories; both good and bad, heartbreaking and romantic.
This can’t be right, things were supposed to get better.
Like many others, our bittersweet love story would always be tragic
Because all you had to do was love me.

A.

I Need You. 

It’s Wednesday night and I need you
Not in the way that husbands need their wives
Or in the way that a pilot needs his air crew
I need you to make sure I stay alive. 

While you lay your lips on mine
After a few glasses of chocolate flavoured wine
I need you to look deep into my eyes
Only to make sure my soul isn’t anticipating the day that it dies. 

In between taking off my shirt
And sliding my draws to the side underneath my mini skirt
I need you to check for self harm scars
Only to lecture me on the pain others would go through trying to write my memoirs. 

After we’re both weak from breathtaking trembles
And you lay next to this body that was once a temple
I need you to move away if I ever try to hold on to you like I was holding on to life
Only to reiterate that just like me, you will never need me like a husband needs his wife. 

I need you like I need to get over my situation
But most of all,
I need you to make sure I survive
That I don’t reach for a knife
Or threaten to take my own life
I. Need. You.

A.

I’m Sorry. 

I’m sorry for the nights that you lay,
Awake for hours on end with your mind restless.
Soaked in perspiration, feeling uncomfortable in your wetness,
I’m sorry that I walked away.

I’m sorry for the lies, I know it sounds cliché,
But it’s not you it’s me, I had no true insight.
I let hate burn so bright, it didn’t take much to ignite,
I’m sorry that I couldn’t meet you halfway.

I’m sorry for the feelings I failed to portray,
Truth is, your name was engraved on my heart like an untreatable plaque.
In a world full of straight lines, I’ve never been the kind to slack,
I’m sorry that I watched my feet while they ran astray.

A.

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