Elevator Business.

I’m on the first floor trying to get to the third

I’m stood in front of the lift and for some reason, I am scared

Taking the fast route

There’s a pain in my ankle solely due to the tightness of my boots.

 

In a matter of seconds, the lift doors open up

I mean to walk in but, my legs can’t move

Calm yourself baby girl

It’s an elevator not a rollercoaster.

 

It’s the second floor and the voice in the elevator announces it

Confused, I hit the number ‘3’ a couple more times

But regardless, the doors remain wide open

Why am I here? This isn’t the floor that I had chosen.

 

With desperation in my eyes, I stare into the camera

Hoping that the spirit of the elevator will permit me to skip this floor

The camera stares back at me ignoring my silent plea

Why won’t this worthless piece of work listen to me?!

 

With all the courage left in me, I make my way to the opening of the elevator

I’ve been meaning to step out, meaning to face my fears

Meaning to walk up the next two flights of stairs

But, I can’t.

 

I peer out through the heavy silver doors and there it is

The peculiar door, lucky number __

The familiar scent from a few days before

Unwanted memories cloud my thoughts

I’m overcome by the feeling of nostalgia

This isn’t where I want to be or how I want to feel.

 

So I’m stuck on the second floor

There’s nothing I can do, no emergency door

I need to deal with this

Face my biggest fear

My heart beats faster as I draw near

I’m not sure what to do next but, I know I cannot remain in here.

 

Love,

A

x

Note To Self.

Inhale, exhale

Don’t smile too much or laugh too loud

It’s hard to focus but, I must prevail

A lot of things are hard to do when he is around.

 

Think baby girl, think

Make an attempt to speak

There’s only so much rubbish that you could say

My lips are moving but, they don’t seem to make a sound.

 

Be calm, be poised

Pause in-between sentences

Stop fiddling with your hands; it’s not on his list of preferences

It’s just the two of us but, I feel like I’m speaking in front of a crowd.

 

Take your time, one leg in front of the other

Young one, you sound just like your mother

Don’t be silly, you’ve been strutting in heels all your life

I’m trying so hard but, I keep falling down to the ground.

 

Chew for 10 seconds not a century

Swallow you bitch, it has been 5 minutes already

Weird as this may seem, I have an excuse

I can’t eat in front of him and, I ain’t even proud.

 

Don’t look down at the floor darling

Pray to God that you stop perspiring

Don’t be so awkward, don’t be so shy

It’s disgusting to admit but, my feelings for him are profound.

 

Love,

A

X

What Can You See?

Can you sense the emptiness I feel,

The loneliness that surrounds me,

The forced smiles I give?

I look at you knowing that the emotions you have aren’t real.

 

Can you hear my heart wailing,

The silent sobs that leak out,

The momentary deep breaths that I take?

Knowing that I am just another girl standing in line for you, waiting.

 

Can you see the invisible tears I struggle to hold back,

The crack in my voice,

The tremble in my fingers?

I’m just trying to be strong, not like I have a choice.

 

Can you feel this love that torments me,

The desperacy in my words,

The pensive look in my eyes?

I’ve got that somber feeling that is unrevealing to people.

 

Can you see the hurt in my eyes,

The pain in my soul,

The reluctance in my body?

That’s me trying to stop myself from holding something that I do not own.

Love,

A

x

A Bit Too Dramatic.

Once upon a time…

You held me a bit too close,

Kissed me a bit too intimately,

Loved me a bit too recklessly,

Fucked me a bit too fiercely

It was beginning to seem a bit too perfect.

 

Until you…

Left a bit too soon,

Gave up on me a bit too early,

Hurt me a bit too ruthlessly,

Left a scar a bit too deep,

Put me through a bit too much.

 

And now…

I’m a bit too worried,

That we have grown a bit too far apart,

Wanting you back seems a bit too impossible,

And this is a bit too upsetting.

It’s a pity I fell a bit too hard for you.

 

Love,

A

X

Always wanted to…However.

I’ve always wanted to be close to crying

Get that funny feeling in my mouth

And then stop myself from bursting out

However, I don’t trust myself to hold back the tears

 

I’ve always wanted to run through the hills

Sing at the top of my voice

And understand how it feels

However, I don’t trust myself to come back home

 

I’ve always wanted to let go

Stop trying to hold on

And release myself from every form of attachment

However, I don’t trust myself to deal with the feeling of nostalgia

 

I’ve always wanted to deal with the pain

Harden my heart

And let my feelings gradually go away

However, I don’t trust myself to go back to being human

 

I’ve always wanted to show emotions

Anger, Sadness, Fear, Envy

And Love, Kindness, Hope, Pity

However, I don’t trust myself to be strong again

 

I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship

Forget about every other boy

And stop my heart from being this empty void

However, I don’t trust myself to deal with it all when it’s over

Love,

A

x

Run Far Away.

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I want to run far away

Take off my leach and go astray

Up and down the hills

Through the valley

Across the seas

And pass every alley

 

I want to run into the dark

Dive in and swim with the sharks

To wander off and find myself in a peaceful park

It’s almost impossible to deal with

This whole love thing is beginning to sound like a myth

 

I want to run to a place called paradise

My spirit longs to move but my feet seem paralyzed

All these mishaps have left me nothing but traumatized

I need to be fearless, I need to be strong

Whip out my iPod and listen to my favorite song

 

I want to run to my lover

Someone to love me from now till forever

Hold me close underneath the covers

Maybe only then will this finally be over

However, who he is, I’m yet to discover

 

I want to run to somewhere new

My boat trip has been long overdue

All dressed in white, I guess I’m part of the crew

Across the sea, ever so calm and ever so blue

I want to stand on the deck and for once, enjoy the view

I can’t bear to stay here, let alone make it through

(Forgive my rubbish punctuation, we cant all be perfect at english)

Love,

A

x

This _____ Of Mine.

This love of mine,

Unreal as you may be,

One day you will be true,

You will not be unrequited.

 

This infatuation of mine,

Physically attractive as you may be,

One day you will die,

You will not compel me to act stupidly.

 

This craving of mine,

Desirable as you may be,

One day, I will be able to overcome you,

You will not control me.

 

This imaginary boyfriend of mine,

Affectionate and perfect as you may be,

One day I will have you,

You will become a reality.

 

This hurt of mine,

Ever present as you may be,

One day you will be overpowered by joy,

You will flee from me.

 

These tears of mine,

Salty and unexpected as you may be,

One day your presence will not be needed,

You will only be used to reduce the friction in my eyes when blinking.

 

This body of mine,

Imperfect as you may be,

One day you will know love,

You will mature and stop squirming when touched slightly.

 

This heart of mine,

Weak as you may be,

One day you will heal,

You will know love.

You will not hurt.

You will not bleed with pain.

You will not pour out excessive hemoglobin.

You will not crave the thing that causes you pain.

You will be saved and treated with care.

You will be able to repair the multiple cracks I have made in your soft, delicate and flexible muscles.

Love,
A
X