Why do you like him?
Like the actual fuck?! especially when you don’t know shit about the person. I like him because he’s fine sounds a bit too shallow. I like him because he’s rich is a bit too gold digger-ish. I like him because he’s tall, a bit too foolish. I like him cause he’s so focused and speaks with such elegance + when he looks at me, my whole world pauses for a minute, too old-ish and too deep. I like him because I like him ah ah what’s your business? What will the answer do for you? You, why do you like the person that you like? Kmt! Imagine if the person now doesn’t like you back. You’ll finish giving an Obama-like speech on why you like someone that doesn’t give a fuck about you and then feel stupid afterwards. Please this is an embarrassing question, stop asking it.
Are you okay?
My dear, if I was okay, you wouldn’t have to ask me that. You even know I’ll lie and say “yes I’m okay” so, why are you asking? Even though I say no, what will you do next? Ask me what’s wrong? And then what? Give me some rubbish advice? Or give me a pitiful hug? Nah I don’t do that shit. Also, if I wanted you to know, I would have told you a long time ago. Please this is a question for the aproko’s, stop asking it.
Are you serious?
Oooooh God! Don’t even get me started on this one. If I wasn’t serious, would I have said it? So what if I’m laughing while I’m saying it? “I left high school at 14′ are you serious? No I’m not. That’s why three school years after, I’m 17. “I’m 5ft9” Are you serious? Eh eh I actually have invisible heels on. “I have a baby sister” Aaw are you serious? Nah, she’s really my daughter. Please this is an irrelevant question stop asking it.
OMG is that___(something irrelevant)?
This isn’t very straightforward but I shall give examples. OMG is that an iphone5? You use a 4s isn’t it obvious to you? OMG is this LV? No, I used brown and cream poster color to decorate a random bag. OMG is that the laptop that has beats system? My dear, do you need glasses or, did you just choose to ignore the “beats audio” written on the laptop? OMG is that Tyra banks? You just want me to know you’ve heard about her…just like everyone else eey? OMG is that from primark? ofcourse not, the “A” is for Abercrombie. Please this is an ignorant question, stop asking it
Why did you change your hair?
Don’t even fucking piss me off! “Your afro was a lot nicer you shouldn’t have gotten a weave”…You don’t say this to girls yo! I’ve just done my hair, obviously, I look different and feel somewhat ugly because it’s not what I’m used to then, you come and tell me how my hair isn’t nice?! Cheers for not making me feel insecure. You like the fro? Get yourself an African girlfriend with natural hair. What I do to my hair is independent on what you consider nice/attractive. You’re not my anything. Please this is a question that brings about insecurities, stop asking it.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Yes I do, that’s why I’m out here flirting with you in the middle of the night. I mean, come on mehn! I don’t know about the girls you’ve dated but, people like me remain faithful for the duration of our relationship (that I have never had but, that is not the point). I could never go out on a date with someone else when I have a boyfriend. I don’t even flirt with other boys when I like someone…still feels like cheating even if I’m not sure about how that someone feels about me. You think I’ll dress really nice, do some professional makeup thing on my face just to look nice for someone else when I have my own boo? What kind of girl do you take me for? Please this is almost a stupid question, stop asking it.
Are you cold?
My dear this is England, ofcourse I’m cold. It’s 10pm and I’m outside with a thin excuse of a blazer. I’m trying to look hot and do odeshi for the cold. So you can obviously see me moving around like tadpoles in concentrated sulfuric acid and you’re asking me if I’m cold?! No I just like to shiver…it’s my way of exercising my muscles. Just give me your jacket already so, this can be a romantic scene. Geez some boys just don’t watch enough romantic movies. Even if I said I was cold and you offered me your coat, I shall reject it as a bad gurl. Why not just skip that part and give me the jumper already? Or, put your arms around me? The worst is when I’m shaking like no mans business and my boo decides to offer his jacket to another girl right in front of me. Like don’t actually vex me! I can produce enough heat from my temper to warm up the whole of Europe because of this. Please this is a romantic scene spoiler, stop asking it.
What is your password?
Sigh. The password is there for a reason y’know. What are you even looking for in my phone/ laptop/ everything else? I don’t really understand this question to be honest. It’s like asking someone what their debit card pin is. Are they supposed to happily tell you this? The human mind is very funny tbh. Please this is an intruding question, stop asking it.
Do you know xyz?
I hate it when people look at me like I know everyone on the face of the earth. Okay so, I live in a dead town, schooled in a not so dead town and now I’m in a crazy city but, it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know anybody. Nobody knows me. Don’t ask me about anyone because even if I know them, I will not tell you. Ah. The worst is when you now go and ask someone else if they know me. Then it’s like I was famzing them before. Don’t fade the reps that I do not have. Please this is a reps killer question, stop asking it.
What’s the worst you have done with a boy?
Like the actual blood Of Jesus. Please of what concern is this to you? Do you want to marry me? Is it in your culture to investigate my “doings” with boys in the past? Are you my anything? No, no, no and no. Then, why do you want to know? As if I’m supposed to say I have jumped a guy before and feel like a boss. The worst thing about this question is that I really don’t have an answer for it. I mean I do but, it’s boring. The worst thing? Uh oh this is very interesting and sexual. Infact, it’s rated R. I kissed a boy for the first time when I was three weeks less than 17 and the second time was an accident -_-. Even the crickets would stop making noise when they hear this statement. Please this is a personal question, stop asking it.
Tell me about yourself.
This isn’t a question but, some Nigerian boys have forced it to become one “so, tell me about yourself?” Ma guy please don’t make me get temperamental. What about myself? My name? Age? Best food? The languages I can speak? The names of my friends? The names of my lovers? How old I was when I first spoke? My hobbies? What I hate? My type? What I consider funny? How many dogs I have? Their names? Their breed? If I prefer fanta to coke? How many times I’ve been through the root canal procedure? Do I like dentists? The number of times I chopped cane as a child + teenager? Am I scared of the dark? Do I even have a phobia? The story of how I was left handed before? The story of how I almost killed myself? There’s so much to say y’know but guess what? It’s not your business. If I wanted to tell people about myself, I would have written an autobiography but, I don’t have one so, don’t ask me that. Sometimes I want to answer that question but, it’s too vague. Be specific guys. I talk a lot so, that’s not a good question to ask me. It’s like writing a pry school essay. Hi my name is Aku and I am the second child of my father, mazi blah blah. I am also the Ada of the family which means that I am the first girl. As the Ada, I have to learn how to be a good wife as well as a good house keeper. This includes learning how to cook, clean, take care of babies, act like a lady, etc. For these reasons, I am often shouted at when I am around my parents. “Aku it is 7 o’clock and my house is dirty. Your room is not clean enough, your daddy has not eaten and neither has your baby sister. You will also need to chop leaves and co for the soup that you’re going to make. I have not seen you open your books today!” Blah blah blah. See now that is about me. Is this really what you want to hear? I didn’t think so either. So be specific okay? Please this is a vague question that makes girls wonder if you’re razz, stop asking it.
Love,
A
x
Akunna Ezekwem 