A. – Page 6 – Akunna Ezekwem

May 10, 2018May 10, 2018

Back Home.

It’s easy to forget,
With the wind in your hair
And the unfamiliar taste of beer.
With music and laughter and vibes,
It’s easy to forget your fears,
The reason your soul cries,
And bleeds and hurts.
It’s the alcohol telling you lies
Like you’ll be okay,
Because it was never that deep.
But you get home,
Put your keys through the lock
And let yourself in.
Only to breathe an air of remembrance,
An air of familiarity.
This wasn’t made up, it’s a reality.
Forgetfulness doesn’t live here,
Not while there’s traces of evidence
In every inch of your living space.
This isn’t home anymore,
It’s a repertoire of memories…
Is your heart racing?
Because mine is too.

May 9, 2018May 9, 2018

Desensitised.

I close my eyes so my body can feel,

Shut my heart so my mind can process,

Bitter truths my stomach cannot digest.

If this wasn’t me, it would be someone else,

Somewhere else, maybe something else.

So I draw the blinds shut and kill the switches,

It’s impossible to think while engulfing all these inches.

I’ll try again tomorrow
A.

April 30, 2018April 30, 2018

You Don’t Love Me.

While I hold my half empty bottle of sweet smelling red wine,
I look at you in dismay,
Because, you don’t love me,
You just love the way that my hips sway,
And twist and turn.
Knowing it doesn’t matter how far I drift,
I would always return,
To a place of convenience.
And once again it was your turn,
To have and to hold,
My physical form.
Because frail as I am,
I’m a perfect shelter from your temporary emotional storm.
A replacement, a substitute,
A woman willing to conform.
You don’t love me, you love that I can perform,
Tips and tricks like you’ve never seen before,
Do you find your mind wandering?
Are images of me still lingering?
In your mind, your memories,
Your deeply buried fantasies.
You don’t love me, you love that I’m broken.
Hurt beyond repair,
Clearly forsaken.
Tossed around like I was theirs to share,
Theirs to acquire. Theirs to devour.
Just let me be while I ache in silence.

April 26, 2018April 26, 2018

We’re Millennials Remember?

We’re millennials remember?
No strings attached.
Just an air of attraction,
Etching us in.
Pulling us closer,
until we’re skin to skin,
Chest to chest.
Whatever this is, I feel it within.
You’ll hold me in your arms,
And I’ll never say,
That everyday is a good day,
As long as you’re on my mind.
And you are.
In the mornings, at night,
And every hour in between.
But my lips must remain silent.
My back must stay turned on the possibilities.
Tempting as it may be,
I must be void of all emotional responsibilities,
Potential insecurities.
The idea of the idea,
The possibility of the possibility.
Because like I said,
We are millennial, remember?
It’s a culture,
We both gotta stay woke.

April 23, 2018April 17, 2018

Hiatus.

Where do I even start? First of all, happy April Fools day if that is even a thing. What’s going on in your life? I bet you’re wondering what’s going on in mine. I would love to tell you but I legit have no idea at this point in time.

Let’s begin by addressing the reason I went away. I say went away like I left for a year which I did back in 2015 because I was going through the multiple challenges that year and I told myself never again. So here I am, stopping myself from disappearing for yet another year.

I haven’t put pen on paper in the past few months if I’m being honest. All of my recent posts are things I wrote towards the end of last year (except an insight to my creative brain) and it’s because I haven’t particularly mastered the art of writing when I’m genuinely in touch with my emotions. By emotions, I mean anger/annoyance/frustration and the likes of them. Yes, I have been annoyed all year for one reason or the other and when I get the odd moment of joy, rather than running to put ink on paper, I hold on to it for as long as possible. Funny how I’ve been annoyed when I’ve gotten more blessings than I could ever imagine between January and March. I’ve also been trying this being vulnerable thing that people speak of and it’s weird af but also oddly satisfying because it builds deeper and more transparent relationships with the people I already care about.

It’s not a semi deep post if I don’t highlight a lesson learned so, here’s one big lesson I’ve learned in the three months I’ve been away.

You can not abandon God.
Trust me, I tried but there would always be a constant reminder that He is there. I had the scariest visa application story that I plan on speaking about on my YouTube channel in the nearest future. Having my situation get resolved in less than 12 hours when everyone on the internet said it took them months to get theirs sorted out made me feel like God was reminding me once again that He is here for me and so I don’t get to just walk away from my spirituality but I was still angry so once again, I looked away.

My friend had followed me on Instagram and I had no idea she owned a page dedicated to sharing the good news to the people. I never thought too much about it until I saw this post the other day

Judas was one of Jesus’ disciples who had eventually betrayed him for some cash. His job was to kiss Jesus on his cheek so that the Romans would take him away for the crucifixion. When this happened, another one of Jesus’ disciples had cut off the ear of the servant of the high priest in anger and Jesus put it back and cautioned him. I’d love to marry a man as calm and collected as Jesus because tbh, I am that disciple that would draw the first sword when someone threatens my personal peace.

This picture gave me a whole new perspective on the life of anger I began living at the start of 2018. Jesus said nothing to Judas but he still ended up killing himself. The son of God did not have to kill Judas because God got him like he’s got his children, like he’s got me. This whole time I was having internal battles with people who had betrayed me in the past and still continued to attempt to betray me. I say attempt because, there has to be an element of trust for betrayal to exist so, this was merely a weak attempt. Anyway, I’ve been fighting human beings forgetting that my battles are not even against flesh and blood but against principalities in high places (Eph 6:12). Talk about misplaced priorities.

I also came across a twitter thread here that spoke directly to my soul. When I say God has been arresting me with his word left right center, you think I’m joking. It’s funny because they’re all on the platforms that I usually go to waste my time.

Anyway, this is why I’ve been so absent but I’m back and I’m better, I hope you want me bad as ever 😉. I’m going to attempt to work on new pieces so I could go back on some sort of regular schedule. Now that I’m somewhat vulnerable like the rest of the human species, maybe I could put up more honest posts. Hmm…

Not every battle is yours to fight
A.

March 19, 2018

In Retrospect.

You transformed me into a storehouse,
For the love you so generously bathed me in.
The support and care,
On the days I was unaware,
Of the greatness planted within.
You fed me, constantly,
With the positivity my soul was deprived of,
The encouragement my spirit longed for.
A little at a time but the seeds you planted grew like a tumour,
Rooted in the core of my existence.
I’m a different woman because of your persistence.
On rare occasions, I let my emotions rise,
And realise I appreciate your presence in my life.
Even while I watch as it slowly dies,
I still remember that you were redemption in the shape of a man,
Diving in to rescue as much as you can.
I don’t regret this,
I just regret not having a plan
Guess who’s lonely now.

March 12, 2018March 12, 2018

An Insight To My “Creative” Brain.

I often receive questions about the inspiration for my poetry and I’ve never quite known the perfect response to give. Today however, I’m going to give you an insight to what my thought process is like most of the time.

A few days ago, I had switched off my lights to go back to bed at 6 in the morning. One would assume that as a responsible member of the society, this would be the time where I hit the shower, grab a cup of coffee and embark on the new day’s journey. I’m sorry to completely destroy your perception of me. The truth is, you couldn’t be more far off from my reality.

Anyway, my usual bedtime ritual includes going through my half written poetry/prose/stories in my notes aiming to either complete them, delete them or be inspired by them. On said day, I didn’t do any of the above, I went straight into my notes to write about switching off my lights. See, I recently got glow in the dark stars and so my favourite thing to do is turn off the lights and just lie in bed smiling at the ceiling. This time, I wasn’t just going to smile at my stars while I let my mind wander, I was going to write about them because that’s what creatives do…right?

“You lit up my room
Like you light up my face
Like you light up my world”

Those were the first three lines that came to my mind and I quickly typed them up. Could this be the beginning or the end or the middle of my new poem? Is ‘light up my face” a better phrase than “light up my eyes”? Shall I say “light” or “lit”. “Like you lit up my world” does this mean he is dead? Or have we broken up? Was this break up smooth or rough? Was this an agreement we both came to? Did I love this person? Of course I did he lit up my world. Okay but did he know? Who is he even? Do people need to know him or does that move the focal point from my stars to a man? Do I miss him? There’s no point reminiscing if I didn’t so yes, I miss you and I could also be sad and empty – a possible continuation. Hmm…

“Do you think about me when the lights go out?”

Another line that comes to mind so I quickly type it up. Damn how do I make this relevant? It does sound like an appropriate way to begin a poem. It’s a question, I like questions, do you? Right so at what point do I talk about my room being dark? Do I have to mention switching off the light or shall we just infer that? What other poems have I written with similar starts to them? I’d hate to sound repetitive. Hmm…

“Twinkle twinkle little stars
Of course I don’t wonder what you are,
I acquired you, protected you”

This sounds like a new start to me. I better move “do you think of me when the lights go out” to a new note. That’s going to be a different poem about nostalgia. I’m excited now. What exactly did I protect these stars from? At what point do I tell my readers these are glow in the dark stars? Shall I allow them come to that conclusion themselves? Could I just make this one of those abstract poems that don’t really make sense but make sense at the same time? Once again, how do I join this up with the first three lines I came up with? Also, if my stars are “you” then it’s got to be “like he lit up my face, like he lit up my world” but who is he? How did he light up my room? Shall I explain this too? How long is this poem? Hmm…

“Sheltered you away from the light
Because I wasn’t ready
For you to absorb and illuminate back
I’m afraid of change,
Please cut me some slack”

Now I love this because at this point I don’t know if I’m still talking about stars or a man, genius. Although, I don’t see how this is related to my first three lines but I must use that by force. What am I even doing writing about glow in the dark stars while my mates are writing about nature – the sun, prominent in the skies and the gradual increase in temperatures, an invite blossoming flowers openly accept. But look at me and my fake stars that literally steal other people’s shine.

Okay one last semi complicated line before I go to sleep. I’ll deal with this on a different day.

“Random array of stars with no real hmm…

Stars plastered all around my slanted ceiling
With no real pattern, no actual hmm…
There is no method to this madness

*look for a word that ends with ‘ess’ and make a semi sensible line here*

I’ve been taught that light could be a particle or a wave
But today and for a while now,
Light was him
He lit up my room like he lit up my eyes
Like he lit up my world.”

Time for bed. I’ll deal with this on a different day or month or year. My eyes are shutting now and I hate when I sleep off half way through a sent…

Goodnight,
A

February 28, 2018

Reluctant.

I don’t want to write
Or sing or read
Don’t want to create
Yet another piece or poetry.

Not one of love
Or lust or affection
Not while I crave
Your undivided attention.

I don’t want to feel
Or long for or need
Temporary moment of comfort
A blessing and a curse indeed.

February 21, 2018March 12, 2018

Bystander.

You’ve forgotten how to be strong and I’ve been there,
I’ve been here,
I’ve been everywhere in between strong and weak,
Victory and defeat,
The will to live and a deep longing for death to open up her arms and embrace me.
So I understand,
The sudden rush of emotions.
You’re not sad, you’re just going through the motions.
This unwanted rollercoaster.
It gets better then worse,
First a moment of joy and then a pang of pain.
The oh so familiar transition from depression to happiness.
You’re so used to this cycle, it’s both a blessing and a curse.
I can’t tell you how to progress,
Not while it hurts,
Not while it breaks my heart to watch you deal with your broken heart.

February 12, 2018February 15, 2018

I Was Not Ready For God To Bless Me.

This morning, a friend of mine sent me a section of her daily devotional which said “Once God reveals His purpose, be prepared to move in the direction God has given.” And that took me back to a place of reference – my past.

I haven’t always been the woman that I am today. I haven’t always had my priorities in check and it was in this time that I somehow managed to find myself in a situationship that would change my life forever. During this same time, I had one prayer point and it went like this “God, if this is for me, give me perseverance if not, give me the strength to walk away.”. I was 17 and instead of being on the road to my glow up, my spirit was constantly screaming out the prayer of discernment over a situation I had no business dealing with.

2013, 2014, 2015, 2016…I have survival stories to tell that you may never believe but I’ll save that for another day. I spent all these years turning a deaf ear to my creator and ignoring signs that I prayed for. Worst of all, I spent it wondering what was wrong with me because I couldn’t single handedly control my situation. I couldn’t convince a boy to mature into a man or at least act like he wanted to be a man. I had spent years angry at not only myself but at somebody else’s future husband for not being right for me, not respecting me, not attempting to encourage my growth. In the winter of 2015, I had attended the TNR conference which took place at Hope City, Sheffield and I was a complete wreck. At some point, I attempted having a conversation with the pastor’s wife…attempted because what really happened was I tried to force inaudible sounds out of my mouth and through my tears. The reply I got was “if someone is making you this upset, then this isn’t the situation that God has ordained for you”. Somehow, that was not enough. I wanted someone to put their hand on my head and magically take all my problems away. I imagine God was looking down at me with His head in His palms like ‘how is my daughter so smart yet so stupid?’.

My life was a series of unfortunate events where I would experience one bad situation after the next. Each worse than the previous and rather than jumping out of the boiling pot I was in, I kept readjusting in order to acclimatize with the increasing temperatures. Back in high school, my house master spoke a lot about what he referred to as bending – basically, we’re brought up with morals and home training which acts as a backbone of some sort and allows us to stand tall, above others who lack discipline. Each time we choose to ignore our core values and give in to peer pressure, we lose a bit of our backbone so we bend. Like old people bend to relief back pain even though that’s worse in the long run. I kept bending. Working on things. Sorting issues out. So focused on resolving a situationship that my loving Jesus couldn’t bear to see me stay in. I kept saying a prayer that I didn’t believe in but God heard it and He was going to deliver me regardless of how little my faith was or how little my will power was.

2016 – I had started my masters in a completely different city. The idea was to move far away because out if site out of mind. My signature method of walking away is disappearing from your life once I’m bored so that was the plan. Until it turned out this boy also applied for masters in London. There was nothing I had ever prayed against more than I prayed against him moving to the same city as me. This was not going to be another year of repetition. This year, I was ready to be pushed out of my situation. I was ready to walk away until I got broken up with in November lmfaoooo. Y’all once again this is story for another day but, instead of picking up my cross and going, I kept trying to get a logical reason like this was science and somehow there would be solid evidence or at least a substantial reason. Even though I had mentally checked out of my situation, I was pulled back in with stupidity of course. Imagine the look on my creators face. Wow I’m so embarrassed. This is how I spent the rest of 2016 in a toxic ass manipulative situationship ladies and gentlemen.

It didn’t take until one irrelevant conversation in 2017 January to make me completely erase the “mumu” that was written on my forehead. This was unlike every other conversation we had had. I say conversation but I mean argument because that is what all our conversations comprised of. This was barely an argument that cut deep. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard before or anything that was worse than every other argument but that was my problem. It was the same old shit. I was a young, vibrant 21 year old woman who was stuck in a cycle of one argument after the other. It was the same old shit. Like how have we not grown since 2013? How do I plan on reliving this nightmare for another 12 months? How was I going to succeed at my masters while being in the same situation that almost made me fail my undergrad? So many questions, so little time because I had already written my first exam and I had three essays due in two months and then 4 exams after that. So I did what I did best, I disappeared. Abracadabra bobi gandro, disaporada my nigga.

At that point that I was ready for the greatness that was awaiting me. I was ready to be pushed out of this situation I held on to for so long. And it’s funny because people always ask “how do you know when it’s time to leave?” the truth is, you just do it. I looked at my phone and said I’m not dealing with this today or any other day and I went out. Came back home the next day, looked at my phone and said the same thing again. This was my ritual every single day until I didn’t have to remind myself that I was not going to deal with this ever. That was single handedly the easiest thing I had ever had to do in the past 4 years of my life. That was also when I realised God worked in amazing ways because two months after when I saw my January exam results, I had gotten a 59%…An insight to what my grades would have all looked like if I decided to keep being stupid after January 😂😂.

For everyone that has asked me what I’m most grateful for, they have heard the same reply – My new found peace of mind. Although, I am also grateful for amazing friendships, uninterrupted happiness, solid relationships and so much more. I still have sleepless nights but at least these aren’t due to depression or fear of what misery tomorrow would bring. I don’t have to spend hours thinking of my situation and attempting to device a master plan to make my relationship work by force. Also, I am 10x more beautiful than I have ever been so, if you think you’re ugly, dump your boy/girlfriend.

We all ask God for blessings and miracles without first asking ourselves if we are ready for these things. We haven’t attempted to put ourselves in an environment that makes it possible to receive these blessings that we pray for through tear filled eyes. Sometimes God says not yet and other times like in my case, He tries to forcefully remove you but once again, you have to be ready to be uprooted. Free will is both a blessing and a curse really but I pray that we somehow learn how to prepare for everything that we pray for so, we don’t end up being the reason for our stagnancy in life. The best day of my life so far, was the day I became ready for my blessings and I have not once shied away from any blessing from God regardless of how overwhelming it seems to be at the time. I know better than to hold on to a place, a person, a lifestyle due to mere familiarity because, I have seen that what is coming is so much greater than everything I have received in the past.

P.S I’m currently listening to conversations at a diner and the lyrics have me shaking. I mean ‘now your heart is mine, I need it’, ‘we shared a hug, you closed your eyes, I’m in the dark, never ever let you go there’s no way’. You may or may not be right if you assume my next post is about not letting my mcm go.

Stay ready for your blessings!