A. – Page 7 – Akunna Ezekwem

February 1, 2018February 2, 2018

Me Too.

You make me smile and laugh and roll my eyes in attempt to hide my affection,

Hide my excitement,

Conceal the fact that you make me feel beautiful, brilliant, deserving of attention.

With you, I experience unfamiliar emotions;

Effervescence, comfort, the list goes on.

In the absence of your presence, a sense of nostalgia,

My spirit begins to hunger,

And thirst and crave your company.

Indeed, weeks feels like an eternity,

And a few conversations, a lifetime of understanding,

Because you are kind and you are impressive,

Exquisite and enthralling,

Extremely excessive.

You live and you love,

Travel to explore,

Live beyond my imagination,

With no boundaries, no limitation.

So when you said ‘I love you’,

The core of my existence screamed ‘me too’,

Because thick as my walls were,

You were able to break through.

January 20, 2018

Inconsistencies.

You’ve always been up and down,
In and out.
Like consistency was an abomination.
Reminding me that being here was not an obligation,
And depending on you could only occur in my wildest imagination.

You sway side to side,
Back and forth.
Like temporality was already implied.
From the beginning it was obvious you tried,
Convincing you and I both that you could be here.
But not in this way, not while I’m dissatisfied.

Today you’re here,
And tomorrow you’re not.
But I walk around like I’m not completely distraught,
Heartbroken, downstriken.
Brought to my knees,
I’m begging you please,
Promise me you’ll be here tomorrow.

January 14, 2018January 14, 2018

You Asked And Now, I’m Replying.

Why do you have a blog?
I started my blog 5 years ago and before that, I had a previous blog on blogger which we would never speak of again please and thank you. When I began writing on this beautiful blog of mine, I never imagined people would find me lol it was for my eyes alone if I’m being honest. I wanted a place to dump my midnight rhymes, stories and wild imaginations. I kept losing the random pieces of papers where I would write my amazing pieces and end up getting frustrated so a blog seemed like the wise thing to do secretly but you guys found me wow.

Are you okay?
Of course you can imagine the questions that poured in once my blog began to grow. “Are you okay?” “Who did this to you?” “You know you can just talk to me about this?”. Sometimes I would publish posts and receive a flood of messages from my friends and strangers expressing their concern. Somebody cannot even write fiction again.
For those still wondering…yes, I am okay. No, this is not my life. I wish my love life was as existent and eventful as it is on here. Okay that was a lie which I should really just have deleted that previous statement but, yolo. Sometimes ‘you’ is someone my friend has told me about. Other times, ‘you’ is an imaginary boyfriend I dreamt about. For the most part, ‘you’ is Michael Ealy from For Coloured Girls or a random actor in yet another depressing romantic movie. This is not my reality ladies and gentlemen, my heart cannot even accommodate all these love relationships.

Is your poetry personal?
I have a wild imagination and I don’t particularly appreciate people asking if I write about the men in my life because first of all, no. But also, I don’t know you like that to open up if I really was. On the rare occasion, I integrate elements of my reality into my poetry for example in ‘Issa Sonnet’, he really didn’t call me beautiful first, he called me interesting but then I let my creativity finish the rest of that piece. In ‘I Need You’, I did share chocolate flavoured liquor with an erudite young man but no, I don’t need anyone and I am not suicidal. In ‘Tough Love‘, I really did learn to love differently and I won’t cry when you cry but there was no ‘you’ and even if there was, nobody is bending over to act as anybody’s footstool when bench has not finished in the market.

Can you write more honest pieces?
Yes I can. The real question here is would I? Once again yes, I would write some and consider posting them. The thing about writing honest pieces is it involves telling personal stories and that’s not really my thing. I like to leave things exactly where they are especially if they’re bad experiences. Recently I’ve been asking myself if this was because I have made it my responsibility to protect certain people’s reputation. People who have no problem trashing my reputation to whoever is interested in listening. So I’m actually going to write a few things and then debate posting them later on in life. I’d also hate to shut up about my miserable experiences when I know full well other people can either learn from my bad decisions or feel empowered by my strength to keep pushing. I aim to inspire.

Can you write more stories?
I try to. I honestly do but it takes a new set of skills to write good stories. I wrote The Cancer Germ in he summer of 2015 only managed to make it sound good on 2017.

Have you thought of writing a book?
Yes lovies, I had started one in September. It was going to be a book of short poems focussed on the different phases I went through following my breakup. Each poem described a different emotion I felt like anger, regret, lust, even reluctance to accept the new love of my life but guess what? My phone died on me and so did all of my poems and my motivation to write a book. RIP to my author title. It’s not for everyone.

My face is currently beaming with ecstatic happiness knowing that we finally had this conversation 💜

P.s I’m currently listening to Claim by dvsn and I have just screamed out ‘Surprised you still talking to the same dude’ so, you would be right to expect a post on how everyone in my life (including myself) was surprised at the fact I was still stuck in the same place for timeeee

January 9, 2018

Happy New Year!

Hello beautiful people!

How is everyone doing? How’s work going? School? Business blooming huh? That’s great! I’m happy that you’re happy. Really, I am.

Usually I start off my non fictional posts with a cool ass story so, it’s only right I follow tradition right? Well, first off, Happy New Year! It’s been a whole week already and I’m assuming some resolution have been broken. I for one told myself I’d be back at the gym but I’m now convincing myself that being a size 10 ain’t all that bad. So, it’s me and you both darling…me and you both.

I don’t actually look at the new year as a pivotal point in my life. I don’t necessarily subscribe to this ‘new year, new me’ movement because I see everyday as an opportunity to do better and be better. Also, my birthday’s towards the end of November and that’s really when I reflect on my past year and identify aspects of my life that I love and other parts that I’d much rather change and so, the new year seems less significant being so close to my ultimate month of reflection.

Apart from it being my birthday in November, my brain child turned 5 years old the same month and I did a little dance in front of my mirror when I saw the notifications. I hope I’m not the only one who full on creates choreography in front of their mirror every now and again just because life is beautiful. Anyway, this is my baby so each year, I experience a different type of joy seeing my blog grow because I know it’s also a representation of my personal growth.

Now that my cool story is out of the way, I’m going to highlight three things I learnt in 2017 that were crucial to my personal growth and so, might be useful to you.

1. You need company.

Majority of people in the world think they can go through life independently. I used to be one of those people and it wasn’t until last year that I realised being a one-man island is not feasible when you’re in survival mode. As cheerful and full of life as I appear to be, there had been so many days in 2017 where it felt like my whole life was falling apart because, it really was. On these days I had two options; I could either sit in bed and wail like that would solve all of my life problems or, surround myself with people who made me laugh till my belly hurt. Of course I constantly chose the latter because life is too short to be upset and I didn’t gain anything from depriving myself of human interaction.

Company to me doesn’t always mean physically being around people. Sometimes, it’s just a phone call, a snapchat video, being sent a funny ass tweet or simply knowing your friends are there if you ever needed them. So each time my friends asked me to hang out, I’d say “no” lol because I was way too weak to fake a smile amidst everything that was going on in my head. BUT, I found solace in knowing that there were people there to rant about my problems if I was ever in the mood to share.

I feel like I could write a whole new post about how much support I’ve gotten from my friends and friend adjacent this year. From random check up calls to sending me bible passages intended on giving me hope to ensuring there was always turnup to take my mind off things lol y’all are cute af. While I’ll never be the type of person to call and pour my heart out or talk about my feelings, I do appreciate being reminded that if I ever wanted to, they’d be there. Cutiessss.

2. I am strong as fuck!

Yes, I am shouting. If you don’t like it, this would be a good time to close this tab.
Everything that I have endured and been put through in the past few years of my life had been stored away at the back of my head. That’s where all of my suppressed memories go because my coping mechanism usually entails “forgetting” the situation and moving on like nothing happened. Although, last year, I forced myself to sort through all of these forgotten memories so I could truly be on my road to redemption. This was probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do because it not only involved remembering but, I also had to analyse in order to figure out how I got there and device a way to forever avoid being in that particular situation. Most of all, I had to learn to forgive myself over and over again with each memory that was unveiled. If I could quantify pain, I’d say that was definitely an 11 out of 10.

The reason I say I am strong af is due to the fact that I would go through the process daily and still manage to beat the hell out of my face and walk out the door with a huge ass smile on my face because even though life used to be scraps, it wasn’t anymore and I was genuinely happy with my current situation. Also because for the first time in my life, I didn’t just force myself to remember but I was strong enough to share my experiences to an extent with almost anybody who asked. This is not to dwell on the negative but to encourage people. My point was always hey, look at where I was for a long time and look at where I am now, if I can do it then, you can and you will once you channel your inner strength. One day I’m going to be empowering women all over the world to be warriors and not the weaker sex. I can feel it, can you?

If only my physical strength was as strong as my emotional/mental strength, I would have the abs I want right now.

3. Jesus is Lord

My words fail me every time I attempt to explain what God did in my life last year so you’ll just have to take it from me when I say God is so amazing in every way possible. I honestly feel like Jesus looked at me towards the end of 2016 through all of my self loathing and disbelieve and said sis, I am about to show off with you. It was such a gradual process because at first He started to rid me of all forms of attachment I had to people and situations which hindered any sort of growth in my life. After that, I was able to explore and understand His love for me which in turn allowed me to begin to love myself. I mean, if Jesus loves me, I must be pretty darn special so, I better love me too. Then my skin started clearing and I started glowing (Thank you Jesus). Now I’m 22 with a distinction in my masters and a PhD on the way I mean, come on Jesus, now you’re just showing off. It’s so surreal every time I think about it and 2017 would always be special to me because everything I had been praying for through the years happened in succession and all just under a year. I think it’s time to start praying for that £60billion I always talk about.

It really has been one hell of a year for me and my greatest joy comes from knowing that this time last year, I wasn’t even half the woman I am now.

December 27, 2017December 27, 2017

Unspoken Requests.

Hold me close and teach me how to count to 10 one more time
Like you taught me to heal,
From pain in its prime.
Like you taught me to crawl,
Through my heart break and into my soul
Withholding the release of my salty waterfall.
So I hold back my tears,
For as long as is required.
While my heart grows weary and my eyes become tired,
I beg of you to hold my hands one last time,
Just teach me how to cross my t’s and dot my i’s.

December 22, 2017December 20, 2017

How Long Is He Staying?

You prepare a banquet within yourself
For these men to attend.
Still, I don’t judge you,
I am not here to pretend
Like these aren’t mistakes we’ve all made
Or the pathway to redemption is clear as day.
They do not deserve you,
Not in this way.
And I know it’s tempting to argue
Because he was better than the previous
But aren’t they all still so devious?
Haven’t they all been so pretentious?
It kills me to watch you starve yourself,
Just to quench his thirst
While you put his selfish desires first
Failing to reconsider
Your reasons for wanting to be thinner,
Shorter, funnier, more of a looker.
Yes! He is physically here
But my love,
How long is he staying?

December 19, 2017December 18, 2017

What Would You Do?

If I showed you my soul,
Would you run away?
Would you break free from these chains,
And then go astray?
Now aware of the poison flowing through my veins,
Would you flee?
I just want to know.

If you tasted my thoughts,
Would you look at me in dismay?
Afraid of what my brain conceives,
Reminded that what you see
Is merely what you chose to perceive
That is not my reality
It is not a representation of me.
I just want you to know.

If you felt my heart,
Would you choose to stay?
Now aware of its fragility,
Compensated partly
By my lack of attention
In words intended to create tension.
I feel everything.
So would you hold me,
And remind me that I’d be okay?
I just want to know.

December 15, 2017December 15, 2017

I Don’t Like Compliments?

I’ve always known that flattery or as Nigerians like to call it ‘wash’ makes me uncomfortable for the most part. Anytime I would hear ‘fine girl’ or “your body is nice” I would cringe on the inside or start feeling a sense of awkwardness that I couldn’t explain. I only just concluded this year that I indeed hate compliments for a number reasons but I’ll narrow it down to 3 main ones.

1) Compliments are boring. Like conversation fillers. Like overly rehearsed lines.

How many times have you said “you are gorgeous”? How many girls have you successfully cajoled into your arms with such empty statements? Do you ever get bored of throwing the same compliments up in the air? Because I get bored of hearing the same lines. What happened to originality and personalisation?

2) Compliments are awkward. Now bear in mind, this is coming from an overthinker/overanalyser.

I had someone indirectly tell me my smile was beautiful once. Now I half fancied this brilliant young man so I took a minute to soak up that compliment although a part of me was relieved it didn’t happen face to face. ‘Why?’ You may ask. Well, with compliments like ‘you have a nice smile’, it’s tricky deciding how to act afterwards. Like I said above, I am an overthinker/analyser in most situations. I’d begin to move cautiously. Trying not to smile too much after that incase it seems like that one flimsy piece of flattery suddenly made me fall more in love with my smile. Or perhaps I want to show said person more of this smile that is apparently beautiful. I would also move cautiously because I don’t want to unknowingly stop myself from smiling at the same time – I’m going to attempt to explain this better.
If someone said they liked my dress, I’d probably never wear it around them so it wouldn’t seem like I’m only wearing it because they liked it. Same goes with not smiling when people compliment my smile. So smiling now becomes something I do consciously.
Like I said before, an overthinker and an overanalyser.

3) Is that all that there is to me?

I think I’m smart. Actually, I think I’m absolutely brilliant. I also think I have wit. I think I’m funny if I may dare say so myself. I believe I am great company because I can hold amazing conversations and I’m quite an interesting individual. I also think I’m beautiful, not because my facial features compliment each other or because my silhouette somehow attracts these wild predators but because I am fucking amazing. Because I look for the best in people and I am not quick to condemn. Because I aim to put a smile on people’s faces and I am an epitome of love in itself. Because I care and I feel and I help to uplift, to empower, to ascertain..confidence and hope and will power and growth. So don’t you dare look at me and choose to ignore all that I am by settling for something as fickle as ‘you have a nice bum’.

With all this said, I blush and wallow in all forms of flattery being dished out from the mouths of the men that I fancy. I guess that makes me a hypocrite.

December 12, 2017December 22, 2017

I Don’t Blame You.

I wish I could lie,
And say you left me empty.
Use the absence of one last goodbye,
As an excuse for me being petty.

I wish I could convince my heart,
That the distance made me crazy,
And you were the reason I fell apart.
Like it was that easy.

But I don’t blame you for these tears,
I blame gravity.
And you have never been the reason for these fears,
It’s just my insecurities,
My inability
To separate fantasies from my reality.

This whole time, it was never you,
It was me.

December 10, 2017

Addiction.

Roses are red
And violets often appear to be blue
Totally unrelated but,
I’m a slave to my addiction
And that addiction is you.