Welcome To My Creative Space
Do you feel yourself creeping?
Into my mind, my poetry, my prose,
Into every single thing that I compose,
Do you feel that happening?
Do you feel fatigued?
From running through my mind,
Jumping through neurones all intertwined,
Do you still feel intrigued?
Do you feel conjugated?
Like maybe you want to be here forever,
Like maybe you’re about to be incorporated,
Turn away while you still can, duck for cover.
Love,
A
X
Words left unspoken
Promises repeatedly broken
Suppressed demons now awoken
Lifeless hearts laid out in the open
This wasn’t the life that was chosen
Love,
A
x
Dear A,
As much as I may think I know you, I really don’t and that fact troubles me. It’s been only about two decades with you but, it feels like forever and a day.
This beautiful song ‘Desperado’ by Westlife came up and I saw you skip to the next one faster than the speed of light. I was going to ask why before I realised I knew your every thought. Your greatest fears and your temporary moments of weakness. More than anything, I was aware of the fact that you knew every single line of this desperado because I knew it too. I knew what each line meant to you. The reasons you loved this song and the reason you changed it.
1) “Oh you’re a hard one and I know that you’ve got your reasons”
I wish you would cry on the outside. Sometimes I struggle to stop myself from drowning in the pool of tears being shed on the inside but maybe you should release some physical tears. Just maybe. You don’t have to do what you’re not comfortable with. I experience the complications that life brings to you and am aware of the similarities between your ability to express emotions and the word complex. It is difficult for you and I both.
I feel your heavy heart drop with each disappointment. I’m deafened by the loud thumping sound your heavy heart makes ever so often. It’s fighting to keep you alive. We’re all fighting to keep you going. I feel the numbness in your limbs when you’re overwhelmed by fear. The fear of losing. But are you really scared of losing something that you never felt like you had?
‘But you only want the ones that you can’t get’
2) “Your pain and your hunger, they’re driving you home”
I see hundreds of unfinished poetry in your notes. I write them with you and I read along with you at night when frustration sets in and your vocabulary fails you. It’s okay because english is harder than you think. It’s okay because explaining your reality is harder than you think. The most important thing is that you stop pain from driving you into places you used to call home.
3) “And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone”
I understand that the term freedom is somewhat subjective but, can you at least agree that you are free? I know I sound crazy because I feel the weight you carry and I share your thoughts. However, an absence of freedom only exists in a space where there is lack of choice. Aren’t you happy that you can choose to put down this baggage? Choose to be happy, choose to live stress free. Let go and let God? How then are you not free?
I also understand that there are reasons you cannot be open, cannot bare out your soul for people to see. Sometimes I encourage against it too. Sometimes I like animosity. Sometimes I’m scared and I feel your fear overlapping with mine like constructive interference. Sometimes we’re wrong. Sometimes it’s clear from the beginning and sometimes it’s not. But if you have your walls built so high up, you’d only end up trapped in your prison, forced to walk this world alone.
I feel you struggle with trust. That dark cloud hovering over you is temporary. Remember last time when you thought you won’t make it? Remember how you felt?
‘Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away’
4) ‘It may be raining oh but there’s a rainbow above you’
Optimism is only the absence of pessimism. Change your perspective and gain the world.
“You better let somebody love you before it’s too late”
Let yourself love you. Let me love you.
Love,
You
x
You wear your heart on your sleeve
And I don’t blame you
It’s the joy of ignorance
Lack of experience
Naïveté in its purest form
I envy that
I envy you
I will continue to envy you
Until your body begins to slowly wither
As these men pass through welcoming doors
Only to take from you
Only to acquire
Pieces of your innocence
Pieces of your heart
Pieces of love
That you will swear never to give again
I want to but, I can’t save you
I can only welcome you to my reality
Love,
A
x
I see your hurt
You wear it shamelessly on your sleeve
Like you crave affection
Like you crave compassion
I feel your heartache, your distrust
But for you, I can barely grieve
Like my heart is hardened
Like my heart is darkened
I can see your plot for revenge
It’s the helpless facade, perks of being an introvert
Congratulations to ignorance,
Congratulations to those who believe
I feel your desperation
With feelings being expressed out in the open
Our oath to defend one another has long been broken
While you find solace in the pity of others
And build a home in emotionally draining human rejects
I only wish to remind you
That on the days where loopholes in friendships become clearer
And your support system is long gone,
These shoulders would never be for you to cry on
Goodluck!
A
x
People say that the best way to get over things is to stay busy.
What happens when you wake up from a nightmare at 2am with a racing heart and burning eyes?
What happens when all you have to keep you company is your mind, your thoughts, your memories?
Love,
A
x
Come, Follow.
Draw nearer,
Lean closer.
Latch on and never let go.
Love
A
x
I’m in a weird place
Where my insides feel empty
But full of matter, not just space
And my words come out petty
Still with a smile on my face.
Stuck in this weird limbo
For what feels like a million centuries
With my head buried deep in these pillows
Hoping to get rid of false memories
Hoping to finally grow.
Love,
A
x
Hi Lovies,
I’m getting used to writing these short letters to my beautiful readers. It makes me feel like we’re communicating on a deeper level. Do you feel that too? No? okay be that way then :/.
Let me be the first person to say that I can believe that 2016 is over. For me, 2016 was the fastest year. It was also the best year I had ever experienced. Lately, I’ve been reading a few ‘end of the year’ tweets and they all sound so depressing and so full of regret which is quite unfortunate. Although I cannot judge or knock people down for speaking so negatively about 2016. I only feel sad for them because I used to be one of those people who would be full of so much regret and hate at the end of every single year. I always had a mental note of people I wouldn’t have spoken to, things I wouldn’t have said, places I wouldn’t have gone to, apologies I wouldn’t have accepted. Basically, I had an endless list of decisions I made and couldn’t take back. Ofcourse this weighed me down emotionally.
It wasn’t until the beginning of 2016 that I decided that I would no longer associate myself with the word ‘regret’. I had to completely remove that word from my dictionary for my own sanity. I realised towards the end of 2015 that my heart was heavy and overflowing with all these emotionally draining scenarios that I had experienced that year and years before. I used to constantly relive those moments and imagine how different the outcome would have been if I gave a different reply or, worn a different outfit or, had better grades or…something. I would have all these thoughts completely occupy my mind and leave me feeling so helpless because, I was constantly trying to change moments that had already passed. Trying to rewrite history, trying to undo the outcome of my mistakes. I wish someone would have told me that my mistakes were written in ink and not pencil so, I couldn’t just rub them away when I felt like I didn’t want to accept them.
My turning point was in September 2015 when I began reading ‘the secret’ by Rhonda Byrne and this book basically spoke about the force of attraction. I had only started reading it because I thought it was about physical attraction. Yes, I wasn’t particularly bright at that point in my life but I’m grateful by initial thought led me to read the book. This book basically pointed out the fact that once you allow one negative thought dwell in your mind, it will attract more negative thoughts. I know, I know, that’s common sense. However, sometimes, when people are struggling with certain situations, they are unable to think logically and find a solution to their problems. That was me. I couldn’t find the connection between my first regretful thought in January 2015 and my multiple regretful thoughts in December 2015. I couldn’t understand why I was always the one getting angry and harbouring all this negativity in my head while other people felt so optimistic about the new year.
I’ve just told you guys the coolest story ever because today is the 31st of December and I’m thinking back on 2016 smiling at myself because I have never made me this proud before. I have been blessed over and over this year in ways that I don’t even deserve. I wish I could type every single blessing out but my fingers would fall off before I get the opportunity to finish typing it all.
This doesn’t mean I haven’t had trials and tribulations this year. I have had a few, just like in previous years but the best part of these mishaps was how I handled them. I had to deal with a lot of negativity, unnecessary hate and plain jealousy (something I face each year because people cannot accept that I am this awesome). By ‘deal with’, I really mean rid myself of anyone who brought negativity into my life and this only freed up space in my heart to build meaningful relationships with a lot more people who now uplift me and bring in so much positivity to my life. Also, I got rejected by Kings College London and that broke my spirit for months. Although, the worst thing that happened to me so far was losing a friend but, sometimes, you have to lose something small to gain something great. I gained something greater so, I wouldn’t take anything back.
In summary, I had had the best year of my life with some of the most difficult experiences but, the most valuable outcomes. I have grown to accept my decisions; both good and bad. I have learned to appreciate myself and not be so harsh in judging my mistakes. Also, instead of dwelling on past events and regretting, I now reflect and think of ways to prevent certain situations from reoccurring. Overall, I have just had the opportunity to grow and build this strong character than I am so in love with. I wish everyone would understand that you are not your mistakes, you are not your disappointments and you are not who people say you are. Just be happy:)
I was listening to ‘Hello’ by Adele and I almost shed half a tear (only half because real G’s don’t cry haha) thinking about this past year so I thought I should share.
Make every day in 2017 count
Love,
A
x
I’ll keep refuelling this worn out battleship,
Until you promise to love me the right way,
Until you believe that lie.
I’ll keep pouring life into our relationship,
Until I begin to fade away,
Until I begin to die.
Love,
A
x
Akunna Ezekwem 