I currently have “Battlefield- Jordin Sparks” on replay and all of a sudden, I feel the urge to post something on this very amazing blog of mine. Now you’re probably expecting me to write some long thing about this guy that I loved but, constantly fought with despite my feelings for him. That’s what I thought I was going to write about at first to be honest but then, I realized there has never been that guy, never been that big argument that made me cry at night, and never been ‘inlove’ with anyone, never had that battlefield kind of love. So, what does the song “Battlefield” have to do with this post? Not quite sure actually but, it might make sense in the second paragraph.
For some reason, whenever I realize I’m kind of falling for one of the scintillating young men in my life, one of the voices in my head (Yes, one of the voices and no, I am not demented) begin to deny it. Almost like I know how I feel but, I don’t want to accept it. It feels like world war III in my body. A severe battle goes on between my heart and brain. By heart, I mean my amygdala which is the part of the brain that controls emotions but, so, I don’t seem like one of these ‘yh I know everything about the human brain’ people, I’ll just write ‘heart’ instead. And by ‘brain’ I mean my left cerebral hemisphere.
Heart: Oh em gee! I really fancy this mister.
Brain: Remember what happened the last time you made this statement?
Heart: He called me today…Finished his top up even.
Brain: He probably hung up on purpose just so you could think that.
Heart: He just called me beautiful. I think he’s into me.
Brain: Do you know how many other girls he’s called beautiful in the past hour? + You own a mirror so, I don’t have to be the one to tell you how untrue that statement is.
Heart: He looks at me with some kind of emotion…passion maybe.
Brain: You’re the only one that notices this ‘look’. It’s not real.
Heart: He kissed me. We might be taking a step forward.
Brain: Baby girl, everyone kisses everyone. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re just one of the many people he has lip locked with no strings/feelings attached.
Heart: I like him.
Brain: No you don’t…you’re just lonely.
Heart: I said I like him!
Brain: Stop this emotional shit…You do not like anyone. You’re heartless…remember?
Well, that’s sort of how it feels only; it’s usually fiercer.
“Both hands tied behind my back for nothing.
These times when we climb so fast to fall again”
I restrain myself from how much I could do with this person, how long I could spend with this person etc. all in the hope that that way, I’ll be able to get over it all faster. The thing is, it’s all for nothing. Holding back for absolutely no reason…why? Why can’t I be normal? If you think that’s normal then, you’re not normal either. Sometimes, I don’t put my imaginary restraining order on myself. I think ‘oh I’m going to let this become what it should be’ but along the line, I pull away. I start to distance myself. This only occurs when we’re ever so close and ever so into each other. We’ve gone out of our way to always be together and hang out so often. We’ve climbed up that friendship ladder, gone beyond it even. We’re at the ‘beyond friendship’ ladder. Then gbam, I slip or, I slowly start to descend from that ladder. ‘Slowly’ because, I’ve got no stamina so, I can’t run down the ladder. One slow step at a time. One step down, two steps down, three steps down and so on. Eventually, I’m at the bottom of it and back to the ‘hey stranger’ level.
“I never meant to start a war
You know I never want to hurt you”
I don’t wake up in the middle of the night and decide to start an argument with my ‘heart’ and ‘brain’. It just always happens and that sucks. I don’t know if there are people out there that frantically search for a way to get over whoever it is that they feel ticklish around. I don’t know how to make getting over someone an intentional process. I don’t know how to forcefully create a void between someone I fancy and me. I mean, I do (because that’s always what happens) but, I don’t think about it and decide to do it. It’s just how it is. Not how I want it to be but, how it is. I don’t want to hurt anyone; I’m too nice to have such as a motive. If it was a good thing, I’d call it a talent but for now, I’ll call it a curse. The inability to remain emotionally attached curse.
My brain thinks my heart is stupid and honestly, I can see why. Every time I decide to take a leap of faith and do something out of the ordinary just because my heart feels like it’s the right thing to do, I always regret it. “Follow your heart” they say but, they never tell you about how foolish you might feel when you realize in the end that your heart was more than wrong. This is why I will forever succumb to my brain. After all, it’s the reason I’ve come this far in education and my heart on the other hand, is the reason I have to deal with shit like falling for someone who’ll never notice me.
Sometimes, I feel like giving in to my brain is the right thing to do only because then, I believe that I don’t have feelings for whoever it is I like so, I don’t have to go through getting over this person. I feel like following my brain and ignoring all the emotional shit coming from my heart stops me from doing stupid things due to temporary emotions, allows me to think logically about my actions and basically doesn’t make me a slave to my emotions (omg the name of my previous blog!). However, I got told once by a very special person that trying so hard to avoid my emotions is the one thing that actually makes me a slave to my emotions. My inability to accept that statement made him expatiate on it a bit more. If I constantly ignore my emotions, act in a certain way that goes against the things my heart would want me to do and tried so hard to avoid emotional encounters then, I’m still being controlled by them. So, I guess I’m a slave to my emotions only, in a weird way.
I’m not sure how much sense is in this post of mine or if you even understand the half of it. It is 8:00 am and I haven’t slept because I’m at war again. So, I apologize if this was a waste of your time. Just to summarize, every time I feel like I’m starting to like someone, there’s a mini war in my body between my brain and heart…sort of like a battle field hence, the title. Sometimes, I wish I was somewhat normal. Maybe I’d be capable of staying mesmerized my one of my lovers for a little longer. Maybe, I’d be able to handle commitment.
Love,
A
X
Akunna Ezekwem 