I’m about to tell you a cool story. Feel free to turn on the heater, get yourself a hot cup of coffee, a jumper/sweater perhaps. This is actually about a dream that I had a few weeks ago. I was going to post it but, I was hindered by the spirit of laziness.
So, I found myself in the home of a couple that I had never met before. They put me in charge of their teenage daughter for a few days because they were going to be out of town. Let’s call their daughter ‘Maths’. She had just lost her best friend and was overcome by depression and the feeling of nostalgia. Now, I didn’t know Maths up until the day I met her at her house but, somehow, I could see how her friend died every single time I glanced at her.
They just came back from a party and Maths told her bestfriend, Chemistry to switch the porch lights on. For some reason, she didn’t do this and some random stray bullet killed her (don’t question my dream).
Maths would constantly replay the event and each time, she’d take me along with her. I’d always be there to watch her bestfriend get shot over and over again. “What if we came home later? What if I was walking behind her instead? What if we went to her house rather than mine? What if we never went out in the first place?” Regardless of the changes that she made, at exactly the same time, this friend of hers would magically disappear/die. Like it was her destiny and changing the situation wouldn’t prevent it from happening. It didn’t matter that they returned home at a different time or that they came back with body guards or that she went out with a different friend. Chemistry was just born to die in that month, on that day, and at that time.
Eventually, I got sick of going back in time with her and started to wonder why she was wasting her time, hoping for something new to occur, praying for a different destiny, trying to change what had already happened to what she wanted to happen. I was so tempted to tell her that she was deceiving herself and that despite the fact that she had imagined the event differently a million times, the outcome was always the same, it will always be the same and she needed to find a way to deal with it. I was frustrated at the fact that she couldn’t see the very obvious truth. Annoyed that she couldn’t come to terms with the fact that her friend dying at that time was unavoidable. It was for a reason. Maybe it would take her to a different place, a better place. Maybe her friend was tying her down in some way.
Then all of a sudden, my sister woke me up -_-. ‘Aku go and take a shower, my mummy’s almost ready to go to church’ I opened my eyes and was willing to move but, I couldn’t. I remained stationary reliving my dream, every single bit of it. Usually, once I open my eyes, remembering my dream is a myth, it never happens. It was different this time. It felt so real and so close to me. I had to get up after a while ‘cause I didn’t want to get shouted at.
My church is like 20 minutes away so, I have to make up scenarios in my head to entertain myself in the car. It was during those quiet 20minutes that it dawned on me. I realized that that girl was me. The girl that kept on changing the scenario, blaming herself, believing in what if’s, living in the past. She was me. I was watching myself do what I do every single day of my life and I got irritated but, I wasn’t aware. Humph
I keep on bringing up last year cause it was my worst year ever but, I promise I’ll stop in due time. So, last year was a struggle for me. I was struggling physically, emotionally, academically, socially, everyway-ally. I just hated it from the beginning to the end. My school was just not for people like me. My social life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. A-level chemistry was playing with my destiny. I had my heart set on a school way down South, away from everyone that I hated but, ended up about 4hours further up North than where I wanted to be, just an hour away from the town which my previous school was in and a bit too close to people I never wanted to see again. Everything was just wrong in every way. I stopped talking, eating, sleeping, dancing, tweeting, laughing. I stopped being me basically. At a point, I lost my faith. I’d go to church with so much disbelief in my heart for the God that created me. I’d think of bible passages such as “Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm” and I’d just yimu at it all because the devil was obviously touching me (God’s anointed one) at that time and using my destiny to play tinko(x2). I was a 16 year old going through hell and I couldn’t really tell anyone because I hate people knowing about my business.
Up until a few Sundays ago, I’d always sit down, stare into empty space and think of how my life could have been if I went through all the years of school, if I didn’t leave high school at 14, if I had a different set of friends, if I went to a different A-level school, if I ended up down South where I wanted to, if I stuck to the original plan and went to Canada, if I wasn’t alive in the first place. This was before I realized that I was the girl in my dream. I finally understood that regardless of all the different scenarios that I had imagined, my current situation wouldn’t change one bit. I was stuck in the city that I was and there was no going back. No what if’s. No imagine if’s. No suppose I… Nothing. This was where I was and I had to deal with it in the best way that I could. As well as device a fullproof plan on how to move on and move forward.
The truth is, I ended up better than where I was planning on being. Better university ranking for my undergraduate and graduate course (biochemistry and medicine). It might be close to the people that I never want to meet again but, I’m a pro at saying ‘NO’ to people and avoiding them too. So, unnecessary meet ups will never occur. I’ve also met some very amazing people and one very exquisite person. I mean, my bad luck turned into a blessing in the space of a few months but, I just couldn’t get over the terrors that I was faced with earlier in the year.
A lot of us choose to complain about every single element that goes wrong in our lives. Like everything is supposed to happen exactly the way you want it to. I used to be like that. I’d never complain out loud only because my parents didn’t raise a complainer but, I’d wish it happened differently in my mind. I’d scorn at the outcome and wouldn’t be grateful even if I ended up in a better position. We fail to understand that every now and again, we need to sit back and just go with it. Leave space for alterations. Have a plan B, C and D just incase. We need to be thankful. The world isn’t about us, neither does it revolve around any one single person, we’re not the sun. Time wouldn’t stop because you’re hurt or you’re sad or disappointed. Whether or not you get that job offer, the world will move on. Whether or not you get that university offer, the world will move on. Whether or not you get that boy/girl, the world will move on. Are you going to allow your own little world stop because you’re miserable or move on with the rest of the world? I’ve chosen the latter and I hope you do too.
Here’s to my ‘what ifs’ and ‘imagine ifs’ as well as my ‘suppose it happened like this instead’. I don’t need you anymore. My choices and possibly my mistakes have put me in a best position that I could ever solicit so, I’m happy it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I refuse to live in the past or dwell on my previous mishaps. What about you?