Welcome To My Creative Space
He didn’t just call me beautiful first
He called me interesting
Not once did I try to decipher his level of thirst
Not once did I stop listening
To perfectly structured sentences
Beautiful music to these ears
Because for as long as his voice is on my list of preferences
My soul inherently hears
My body willingly submits
Without an ounce of reluctance
Not a single bone resists
While in this space of acceptance
I couldn’t just call him persistent
So, I called him brilliant
Love,
A
x
The first time I wrote a post titled the 8th of May was on the first day of my first ever relationship. It was one of the most unconventional events ever and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it so, I ended up writing something sad which I would link HERE. I was 17, uninterested in boys or feelings or commitment but I wanted to prove to myself that I could succeed at being in a relationship. I could succeed at anything. So, I got into a situation with someone I didn’t feel a thing for because hey, we can learn to love anybody right? That is absolutely right but, it is also one of the least smartest decisions I have ever made and for the wrong reasons as well.
Wouldn’t this be an exciting post if I spoke about all the horrible experiences I went through? Tempting but, I only do that with my girlies when we’re laughing at the dumb shit we’ve done for guys. Opening up is a lot easier when it’s for banter. Also, I generally don’t talk about certain things because my coping mechanism involves not processing the bad situations that I have been in. They just get pushed to the back of my head where my other semi forgotten memories live. That way, I can’t speak about something that I haven’t even thought about yet.
It’s been four months since I walked away. Four months since I took my leash off and ran astray. How poetic, four months before the big four year anniversary and I’m still anticipating the day I break down. You know, mourn the end of my love experience. Have the ‘My life is a mess, I am so depressed and nobody would ever love me’ kind of cry. The tears that bring you down to your knees, head on the floor and arms wrapped tightly around your belly because it hurts all over and there’s no one else to hold you. The sort of tears that keep flowing, it seems like they’ll never stop. These moments where you just shout inaudible gibberish because you can barely process your thoughts let alone make sense out of them. There’s no real reason for these tears. It’s a combination of different events that happened over the years so you feel stupid and weak and helpless and that makes you cry even more. Y’all know the feel? No? Well this is awkward.
This whole thing is new to me because my idea of post-breakup life was very different to what’s actually occurring. I had assumed I’d be somewhat upset. Probably running into the arms of men who don’t deserve me, aiming to elicit some sort of comfort. I was really scared of becoming that woman who couldn’t wait for a man to ask ‘are you okay’ because that would be just another opportunity to speak about all the pain I’ve been through. Maybe break down so he could see my vulnerability and want to love me for that.
Regardless of how distant I sound about my previous situation, I acknowledge the ways in which it has changed me as a person…like every experience tends to. So far, I have successfully pushed away anybody who seems like they have intentions of staying in my life for an extended period of time especially if I like them or connect with them on a different level. I have become extremely dismissive and difficult in so many aspects. I have managed to singlehandedly build up this impenetrable wall that’s supposed to protect me from the men that are scum but it keeps me guarded when I don’t have to be.
The worst change yet is my inability to stop myself from reacting to certain statements. So for example, say I was married to a man who simultaneously called me ‘stupid’ while beating me. I would always have a negative reaction to anyone who says ‘stupid’ or anything that remotely sounds like it around me whether it was intended to be a joke or not. So, for me right now, I cannot handle certain statements that sound like something I was used to hearing for negative reasons and that’s made so defensive. I’m so quick to say “what do you mean by that?” in the fiercest way possible. Or I keep quiet and make mental notes. This sucks because sometimes, I know that’s not what said person means mais, ce la vie.
Anyway, that summarises the boring aspects of my newly single experience. If I was to pick a song to describe where my head’s at, I’d pick ‘Give me something – Emeli Sande’. The part where she said “see I just want to feel, I mean really really feel it all” is me right now. Nonetheless, I am significantly happier and I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.
The first time I wrote a post titled the 8th of May was on the first day of my first ever relationship. So I thought it was only right to write a second one to commemorate the end. Happy bye-nniversary Dawg.
What was your breakup experience like?
Partially Guarded A
x
This was supposed to be a ‘Find me, Love me, Marry me’ trilogy which I planned on writing four years ago (here). How I completely neglected this for that long is beyond me. Maybe I’d wait another 4 years to write the last part. Anyway, here it goes…
Love Me!
I know that I am difficult
And sometimes rude.
I am fierce, strong
And my anger, not easily subdued.
My mind is quick to conclude
And I’m uncomfortable each time you step into my place of solitude.
But I want you to love me
So I can be free.
I am not an easy person to want
Not with this attitude, so nonchalant.
I’ve grown so accustomed to putting up a front
So I can not bring you comfort.
Not in the way that makes you impatient
Not in the way that makes you complacent.
But I want you to love me
Like I was pure, like I was innocent.
I will constantly push you away
And fight to keep queer feelings at bay.
Reluctantly, I find serenity your company
Your smell, your taste
Unsettling but weirdly satisfying embrace.
But this is becoming familiar territory
So I want you to love me
Abundantly.
I have nothing to offer
Except this thick skin, this impermeable heart.
But even these set me apart
Because on the days where you feel weak and lost at sea,
I know I would be strong for you and me.
So even though I may be difficult and sometimes rude,
You better find a way to love me
In the best way that you could.
Love,
Me
X
This wasn’t like every other day
The silence sounded different
Like a knife piercing through these eardrums
It burns because for the first time in years
There’s something selfless for me to say
Me to convey
Me to show
Me.
This wasn’t like every other day
The empty space felt different
And these sheets, so cold, I’m shivering
Begging for the warmth to stay
Silently praying for you to explain
You to convince
You to profess
You.
This wasn’t like every other day
The sun shone different
And the wind blew in reverse
The clouds smiled down at me
Like it was waiting for us to converse
Us to interact
Us to exist
Us.
Love,
A
X
My kind of love doesn’t live in happy places
Nor in the hearts of happy people
Nor in the 4 corners of a happy home
It grows out in the dark trenches
Spreads across these bloody battle fields
It’s the kind found in the hearts of hard wired soldiers.
My kind of love only occupies a place of emptiness
A grieving widow in the hands of her in laws
A hurting wife at the mercy of her husbands’ infidelity
These young couples, more toxic than poison
It’s not the type of love that’s promised till infinity.
My kind of love doesn’t reside in the hearts of misogynists
Or in the cracks present in masculinity, all so fragile
It cannot coexist with lack of equality
Or a sense of entitlement due to mere ethnicity
It’s the kind of love that may never exist.
Love,
A
X
They don’t want to know what you do to subside the anger
The methods you employ to heal your brokenness
Self medicate your mental illness
You’re just another lonely girl, doesn’t mean you’re harmless
This emptiness, this void
These overpowering emotions you tried your best to avoid
They continue to grow, to manifest
To disrupt your peaceful night’s rest
They will never know your alternative remedy for loneliness
Your coping mechanisms for this sense of loss,
This sense of absence
They may ask but, they don’t really want to know
So don’t tell them.
Love,
A
X
I felt your chest rise
It was faint, tired
One desperate beat at a time
Holding on to life,
Struggling to survive.
I tasted your tears
Concentrated with sharp crystals of pain
One heart breaking drop after the next
It’s your side of the bed but I can’t help noticing the dampness
A representation of the burden that you bear.
I saw your soul
A strong force emanating from within
It’s survival’s strength
Shutting me out, shutting you in
It’s not love if you’re kept at arms length.
I heard your cries
A result of your silent sufferings
Locked away from prying eyes
Covered up with your best disguise
It is clear that you’re struggling.
I smelt your fear
Like an aroma drawing in darkness
Attracting the wicked
Bringing forth the heartless
Let go of your hate and things will be clear.
Love,
A
X
Your heart will beat
Your blood vessels will throb
While writing each new line of poetry
Extending moments of long forgotten memory.
Your body may tremble
Your breathing may stop
While your eyes bleed out colourless blood
While your heart sheds red tears through uneven cracks.
Your reactions are queer
It’s not just poetry
It’s moments you’ve prevailed
Challenges you’ve faced
Circumstances you’ve been forced to overcome
This is your interpretation of poetry
It’s not supposed to make sense right now
It’s not supposed to make sense at all.
Love,
A
x
So I’ve been meaning to tell everyone about my current favourite songs for a while. I just never got round to it because I don’t usually know how to explain what certain lyrics mean to me although, I would try in this post.
These songs have been on replay throughout the month of March for a number of reasons. The main reason is because March is deadlines month at uni. I get stressed when I have too many things to do at once. Actually, I start to panic and with panicking comes worrying and overthinking. Usually, when you start overthinking about one situation, all these negative things start to resurface.
Let me explain better. This is exactly how my brain works – Ugh I have three pieces of coursework due in two weeks. How would I do that as well as study? I don’t want to fail *heart starts beating fast* I’m actually scared…last time I was this scared was two years ago when blah blah blah. Wow that really hurt me. Why did I stay there? Why would anyone do that to me? I’m so stupid for investing so much…wow my life is a mess
It’s a cycle and that is why I occupy my thoughts with more important things. It was just a lot harder this month. Which is partly funny because it’s been the most exciting month so far. I really should write an anonymous book about my 2017 encounters.
Anyway, this is what I’ve been listening to constantly. I’m going to point out the lyrics that moved me and give a brief explanation on why it touched me.
“Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you and ain’t nobody love you like I do.”
Imagine equating love with hurt. I love you therefore, I will hurt you the most. I’ve had someone say to me ‘you weren’t in a relationship with those guys but we’re dating so I wouldn’t treat you as nice’ mind blown lmao. Did I hear someone at the back say men boys are scum? This song really makes me angry. Life is so simple, if being with someone makes them unhappy then, let them be happy with someone else.
“Ain’t nobody hurt you like I hurt you but ain’t nobody need you like I do’
There are people in this world that I feel like I need in my life. I may not go out of my way to force them to stay but, I do try to make sure we’re both in a space where we we’re comfortable enough to coexist together. So if you really needed someone in your life, you’d make them comfortable enough to want to stay.
I don’t know why but I absolutely love this song. Even though birdy didn’t sing the original song, I like her version better. The very first line of this song is so compelling. “Come one skinny love just last the year”. Imagine being in a space where you’re begging the love you think you have to last the year. This used to be me years ago like damn can this love last till May so we can have our anniversary and things would magically be different afterwards. The goal was to just last the year and I’d be so disappointed in myself for getting angry (rightfully) when I felt like I was being disrespected because that would eventually end up in an argument and arguments meant breakups and breakups meant my skinny love wouldn’t be able to last the year. So this line “And I told you to be patient and I told you to be fine” speaks volumes.
Honestly, I just like the way she said “you know you can’t have me. But you kiss me anywayyyyy”. Like don’t kiss me or touch my soul if you’re not ready to follow through.
This is just to add a little bit of banter to my playlist. There’s absolutely nothing funny about this song but I laugh every time it comes up because I sent this to someone once and my excuse was that I didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words. Please cry with me. I’m really dramatic because the only part of this song that had anything to do with me at the time was “say something”. Oh well, one more funny story to tell.
“Your heart is broken ‘cause I walked away”
I saw a tweet that said ‘the problem with empathy is you feel bad for toxic people as well’. We would never really know Beyoncé’s relationship problems but assuming Jay-Z really did step out on their marriage, surely she has the right to walk away right? I just think it’s so powerful how even in the midst of her hurt, she’s not only acknowledging that walking away hurt the love of her life. She even goes a step further to say “show me your scars and I won’t walk away”. I’m more of a show me your scars and I’ll replace them with deeper injuries type of girl but I guess in some situations, love really is selfless.
I can’t believe this song is so old. I hope my future husband is out there getting his heart broken so when we have our first dance to this song, we’d both sing “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you” with so much passion.
So I went for a 6lack concert on Monday and when I tell you my life is complete, I mean my life is complete. It was so surreal seeing the love of my life in person. Even though I was right at the back of the crowd, I could still feel the connection. Let me tell you guys a secret real quick…I send 6lack a message everyday on Snapchat. Issa relationship and he ain’t even know. I reply to his stories and give him words of encouragement because I feel like he’s hella shy. So I’m just always like ‘you are beautiful and you are talented and your album is amazing’ etc. My friends laugh but it’s okay because not everyone has to understand true love. Anyway, I love his whole album but this song is my song and I went crazy when he performed it. “I swear no matter what I touch it breaks so I no longer want to see your face”.
Love,
A
X
I know roses are red
So tell me something new
Like how sugar is sweet
And ironically enough, so are you
Love,
A
X
Akunna Ezekwem 