Welcome To My Creative Space
I close my eyes so my body can feel,
Shut my heart so my mind can process,
Bitter truths my stomach cannot digest.
If this wasn’t me, it would be someone else,
Somewhere else, maybe something else.
So I draw the blinds shut and kill the switches,
It’s impossible to think while engulfing all these inches.
I’ll try again tomorrow
A.
While I hold my half empty bottle of sweet smelling red wine,
I look at you in dismay,
Because, you don’t love me,
You just love the way that my hips sway,
And twist and turn.
Knowing it doesn’t matter how far I drift,
I would always return,
To a place of convenience.
And once again it was your turn,
To have and to hold,
My physical form.
Because frail as I am,
I’m a perfect shelter from your temporary emotional storm.
A replacement, a substitute,
A woman willing to conform.
You don’t love me, you love that I can perform,
Tips and tricks like you’ve never seen before,
Do you find your mind wandering?
Are images of me still lingering?
In your mind, your memories,
Your deeply buried fantasies.
You don’t love me, you love that I’m broken.
Hurt beyond repair,
Clearly forsaken.
Tossed around like I was theirs to share,
Theirs to acquire. Theirs to devour.
Just let me be while I ache in silence.
A.
We’re millennials remember?
No strings attached.
Just an air of attraction,
Etching us in.
Pulling us closer,
until we’re skin to skin,
Chest to chest.
Whatever this is, I feel it within.
You’ll hold me in your arms,
And I’ll never say,
That everyday is a good day,
As long as you’re on my mind.
And you are.
In the mornings, at night,
And every hour in between.
But my lips must remain silent.
My back must stay turned on the possibilities.
Tempting as it may be,
I must be void of all emotional responsibilities,
Potential insecurities.
The idea of the idea,
The possibility of the possibility.
Because like I said,
We are millennial, remember?
It’s a culture,
We both gotta stay woke.
A.
You transformed me into a storehouse,
For the love you so generously bathed me in.
The support and care,
On the days I was unaware,
Of the greatness planted within.
You fed me, constantly,
With the positivity my soul was deprived of,
The encouragement my spirit longed for.
A little at a time but the seeds you planted grew like a tumour,
Rooted in the core of my existence.
I’m a different woman because of your persistence.
On rare occasions, I let my emotions rise,
And realise I appreciate your presence in my life.
Even while I watch as it slowly dies,
I still remember that you were redemption in the shape of a man,
Diving in to rescue as much as you can.
I don’t regret this,
I just regret not having a plan
Guess who’s lonely now.
A.
I don’t want to write
Or sing or read
Don’t want to create
Yet another piece or poetry.
Not one of love
Or lust or affection
Not while I crave
Your undivided attention.
I don’t want to feel
Or long for or need
Temporary moment of comfort
A blessing and a curse indeed.
A.
You’ve forgotten how to be strong and I’ve been there,
I’ve been here,
I’ve been everywhere in between strong and weak,
Victory and defeat,
The will to live and a deep longing for death to open up her arms and embrace me.
So I understand,
The sudden rush of emotions.
You’re not sad, you’re just going through the motions.
This unwanted rollercoaster.
It gets better then worse,
First a moment of joy and then a pang of pain.
The oh so familiar transition from depression to happiness.
You’re so used to this cycle, it’s both a blessing and a curse.
I can’t tell you how to progress,
Not while it hurts,
Not while it breaks my heart to watch you deal with your broken heart.
A.
You make me smile and laugh and roll my eyes in attempt to hide my affection,
Hide my excitement,
Conceal the fact that you make me feel beautiful, brilliant, deserving of attention.
With you, I experience unfamiliar emotions;
Effervescence, comfort, the list goes on.
In the absence of your presence, a sense of nostalgia,
My spirit begins to hunger,
And thirst and crave your company.
Indeed, weeks feels like an eternity,
And a few conversations, a lifetime of understanding,
Because you are kind and you are impressive,
Exquisite and enthralling,
Extremely excessive.
You live and you love,
Travel to explore,
Live beyond my imagination,
With no boundaries, no limitation.
So when you said ‘I love you’,
The core of my existence screamed ‘me too’,
Because thick as my walls were,
You were able to break through.
A.
You’ve always been up and down,
In and out.
Like consistency was an abomination.
Reminding me that being here was not an obligation,
And depending on you could only occur in my wildest imagination.
You sway side to side,
Back and forth.
Like temporality was already implied.
From the beginning it was obvious you tried,
Convincing you and I both that you could be here.
But not in this way, not while I’m dissatisfied.
Today you’re here,
And tomorrow you’re not.
But I walk around like I’m not completely distraught,
Heartbroken, downstriken.
Brought to my knees,
I’m begging you please,
Promise me you’ll be here tomorrow.
A.
Hello beautiful people!
How is everyone doing? How’s work going? School? Business blooming huh? That’s great! I’m happy that you’re happy. Really, I am.
Usually I start off my non fictional posts with a cool ass story so, it’s only right I follow tradition right? Well, first off, Happy New Year! It’s been a whole week already and I’m assuming some resolution have been broken. I for one told myself I’d be back at the gym but I’m now convincing myself that being a size 10 ain’t all that bad. So, it’s me and you both darling…me and you both.
I don’t actually look at the new year as a pivotal point in my life. I don’t necessarily subscribe to this ‘new year, new me’ movement because I see everyday as an opportunity to do better and be better. Also, my birthday’s towards the end of November and that’s really when I reflect on my past year and identify aspects of my life that I love and other parts that I’d much rather change and so, the new year seems less significant being so close to my ultimate month of reflection.
Apart from it being my birthday in November, my brain child turned 5 years old the same month and I did a little dance in front of my mirror when I saw the notifications. I hope I’m not the only one who full on creates choreography in front of their mirror every now and again just because life is beautiful. Anyway, this is my baby so each year, I experience a different type of joy seeing my blog grow because I know it’s also a representation of my personal growth.
Now that my cool story is out of the way, I’m going to highlight three things I learnt in 2017 that were crucial to my personal growth and so, might be useful to you.
1. You need company.
Majority of people in the world think they can go through life independently. I used to be one of those people and it wasn’t until last year that I realised being a one-man island is not feasible when you’re in survival mode. As cheerful and full of life as I appear to be, there had been so many days in 2017 where it felt like my whole life was falling apart because, it really was. On these days I had two options; I could either sit in bed and wail like that would solve all of my life problems or, surround myself with people who made me laugh till my belly hurt. Of course I constantly chose the latter because life is too short to be upset and I didn’t gain anything from depriving myself of human interaction.
Company to me doesn’t always mean physically being around people. Sometimes, it’s just a phone call, a snapchat video, being sent a funny ass tweet or simply knowing your friends are there if you ever needed them. So each time my friends asked me to hang out, I’d say “no” lol because I was way too weak to fake a smile amidst everything that was going on in my head. BUT, I found solace in knowing that there were people there to rant about my problems if I was ever in the mood to share.
I feel like I could write a whole new post about how much support I’ve gotten from my friends and friend adjacent this year. From random check up calls to sending me bible passages intended on giving me hope to ensuring there was always turnup to take my mind off things lol y’all are cute af. While I’ll never be the type of person to call and pour my heart out or talk about my feelings, I do appreciate being reminded that if I ever wanted to, they’d be there. Cutiessss.
2. I am strong as fuck!
Yes, I am shouting. If you don’t like it, this would be a good time to close this tab.
Everything that I have endured and been put through in the past few years of my life had been stored away at the back of my head. That’s where all of my suppressed memories go because my coping mechanism usually entails “forgetting” the situation and moving on like nothing happened. Although, last year, I forced myself to sort through all of these forgotten memories so I could truly be on my road to redemption. This was probably the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do because it not only involved remembering but, I also had to analyse in order to figure out how I got there and device a way to forever avoid being in that particular situation. Most of all, I had to learn to forgive myself over and over again with each memory that was unveiled. If I could quantify pain, I’d say that was definitely an 11 out of 10.
The reason I say I am strong af is due to the fact that I would go through the process daily and still manage to beat the hell out of my face and walk out the door with a huge ass smile on my face because even though life used to be scraps, it wasn’t anymore and I was genuinely happy with my current situation. Also because for the first time in my life, I didn’t just force myself to remember but I was strong enough to share my experiences to an extent with almost anybody who asked. This is not to dwell on the negative but to encourage people. My point was always hey, look at where I was for a long time and look at where I am now, if I can do it then, you can and you will once you channel your inner strength. One day I’m going to be empowering women all over the world to be warriors and not the weaker sex. I can feel it, can you?
If only my physical strength was as strong as my emotional/mental strength, I would have the abs I want right now.
3. Jesus is Lord
My words fail me every time I attempt to explain what God did in my life last year so you’ll just have to take it from me when I say God is so amazing in every way possible. I honestly feel like Jesus looked at me towards the end of 2016 through all of my self loathing and disbelieve and said sis, I am about to show off with you. It was such a gradual process because at first He started to rid me of all forms of attachment I had to people and situations which hindered any sort of growth in my life. After that, I was able to explore and understand His love for me which in turn allowed me to begin to love myself. I mean, if Jesus loves me, I must be pretty darn special so, I better love me too. Then my skin started clearing and I started glowing (Thank you Jesus). Now I’m 22 with a distinction in my masters and a PhD on the way I mean, come on Jesus, now you’re just showing off. It’s so surreal every time I think about it and 2017 would always be special to me because everything I had been praying for through the years happened in succession and all just under a year. I think it’s time to start praying for that £60billion I always talk about.
It really has been one hell of a year for me and my greatest joy comes from knowing that this time last year, I wasn’t even half the woman I am now.
A.
Hold me close and teach me how to count to 10 one more time
Like you taught me to heal,
From pain in its prime.
Like you taught me to crawl,
Through my heart break and into my soul
Withholding the release of my salty waterfall.
So I hold back my tears,
For as long as is required.
While my heart grows weary and my eyes become tired,
I beg of you to hold my hands one last time,
Just teach me how to cross my t’s and dot my i’s.
A.
Akunna Ezekwem 