My mind is forgetting
The reasons I fell for you.
It’s my coping mechanism
And I don’t know what to do.
A.
Coping.
Art Collection.
Each night I paint pictures of my pain,
With blood drawn from the cracks of my bleeding heart.
Today you’ve come face to face with my art collection,
I would ask but I can tell by your facial expression,
That you have questions too.
So we stay silent, admiring creativity,
Every stroke, every curve, every slight variation in colour intensity.
You pretend that all of this would go away,
Like my predicament wasn’t clear as day.
Until I wake you up before daybreak only to ask;
If you preferred the bright red puppy
Or the brutally aborted maroon baby?
– why are you leaving in such a hurry? It’s for free love.
A.
Falling.
Forehead kisses
Romantic retreats
Thoughtful surprises
Fingers interlocked
Bodies touching
Souls speaking
Emotions deepening
Both hearts unknowingly falling
Love,
A
X
Unknown.
I don’t know when the pain started
When my insides went cold
And my emotions departed
I don’t know when I reached that threshold
Started eating to mask my pain.
Started laughing to mask my pain.
I cannot tell you when I started suffering
So poor in faith and rich in sorrow
It’s all I can give as a Sunday offering
I cannot tell you if I’m going to want this tomorrow
Started writing to ease my suffering.
Started singing to ease my suffering.
I don’t know when I began to reminisce
When I fell so in love with my false memories
Sealed in with love’s deadly kiss
I don’t know when I became established in dangerous territories
Started drinking to relive my memories.
Started smoking to relive my memories.
Love,
A
X
Nostalgia.
Nostalgia is the frenemy you cannot evade
She sets in and soon remains established
In the midst of absence
Like an entity of its own
She speaks to me
Remember when..imagine if..
Think about how you felt during…
Phrases I never want to hear again
She takes over my mind
Thinking unthinkable thoughts
Imagining unimaginable images
Maybe I gave up too easily, maybe I should have fought
She physically moves me
Alters my bearing towards sites of remembrance
Nudges me to take one final look
Have one final taste
Experience that final feeling
Attachment? Delusion?
More like pain and all too familiar rejection
Nostalgia opens up a world long forgotten
Memories long buried
She breaks my heart
Every now and again
It hurts because I can’t do anything but watch myself fall apart
Into millions of pieces I could never recover
Love,
A
X
Issa Sonnet.
He didn’t just call me beautiful first
He called me interesting
Not once did I try to decipher his level of thirst
Not once did I stop listening
To perfectly structured sentences
Beautiful music to these ears
Because for as long as his voice is on my list of preferences
My soul inherently hears
My body willingly submits
Without an ounce of reluctance
Not a single bone resists
While in this space of acceptance
I couldn’t just call him persistent
So, I called him brilliant
Love,
A
x
Love Me.
This was supposed to be a ‘Find me, Love me, Marry me’ trilogy which I planned on writing four years ago (here). How I completely neglected this for that long is beyond me. Maybe I’d wait another 4 years to write the last part. Anyway, here it goes…
Love Me!
I know that I am difficult
And sometimes rude.
I am fierce, strong
And my anger, not easily subdued.
My mind is quick to conclude
And I’m uncomfortable each time you step into my place of solitude.
But I want you to love me
So I can be free.
I am not an easy person to want
Not with this attitude, so nonchalant.
I’ve grown so accustomed to putting up a front
So I can not bring you comfort.
Not in the way that makes you impatient
Not in the way that makes you complacent.
But I want you to love me
Like I was pure, like I was innocent.
I will constantly push you away
And fight to keep queer feelings at bay.
Reluctantly, I find serenity your company
Your smell, your taste
Unsettling but weirdly satisfying embrace.
But this is becoming familiar territory
So I want you to love me
Abundantly.
I have nothing to offer
Except this thick skin, this impermeable heart.
But even these set me apart
Because on the days where you feel weak and lost at sea,
I know I would be strong for you and me.
So even though I may be difficult and sometimes rude,
You better find a way to love me
In the best way that you could.
Love,
Me
X
Today.
This wasn’t like every other day
The silence sounded different
Like a knife piercing through these eardrums
It burns because for the first time in years
There’s something selfless for me to say
Me to convey
Me to show
Me.
This wasn’t like every other day
The empty space felt different
And these sheets, so cold, I’m shivering
Begging for the warmth to stay
Silently praying for you to explain
You to convince
You to profess
You.
This wasn’t like every other day
The sun shone different
And the wind blew in reverse
The clouds smiled down at me
Like it was waiting for us to converse
Us to interact
Us to exist
Us.
Love,
A
X
My Kind Of Love.
My kind of love doesn’t live in happy places
Nor in the hearts of happy people
Nor in the 4 corners of a happy home
It grows out in the dark trenches
Spreads across these bloody battle fields
It’s the kind found in the hearts of hard wired soldiers.
My kind of love only occupies a place of emptiness
A grieving widow in the hands of her in laws
A hurting wife at the mercy of her husbands’ infidelity
These young couples, more toxic than poison
It’s not the type of love that’s promised till infinity.
My kind of love doesn’t reside in the hearts of misogynists
Or in the cracks present in masculinity, all so fragile
It cannot coexist with lack of equality
Or a sense of entitlement due to mere ethnicity
It’s the kind of love that may never exist.
Love,
A
X
Don’t Tell Them.
They don’t want to know what you do to subside the anger
The methods you employ to heal your brokenness
Self medicate your mental illness
You’re just another lonely girl, doesn’t mean you’re harmless
This emptiness, this void
These overpowering emotions you tried your best to avoid
They continue to grow, to manifest
To disrupt your peaceful night’s rest
They will never know your alternative remedy for loneliness
Your coping mechanisms for this sense of loss,
This sense of absence
They may ask but, they don’t really want to know
So don’t tell them.
Love,
A
X
Akunna Ezekwem 