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To most people, pain is…
The thing you feel when the one you want is off the market
When you can’t cling to him
When he tells you it’s over
When you hear he’s with another
Knowing that you need to let go
Realizing that you’re chasing after someone who’s on a quest for another
When you’re saying goodbye to someone you want to spend forever with
That funny feeling you get before your eyes transform into a waterfall
The sting in your mouth at the dentists
The ice cold sensation that goes through ones’ body when they’re diagnosed with an incurable disease
The silence that accompanies the loss of someone dear to you
Knowing that that will be your first and last kiss
The constant pounding sensation in your head when you bump it against someone
For me however, pain is not being able to feel pain
Having to mask it up
Lying about how I feel
Sweeping my emotions underneath the front door mat
Pain is the smile across my face when I’m going through the toughest times
Pain is the crinkled skin around my eyes when I laugh out loud
Pain is wanting to feel pain but only avoiding it
Pain is not being able to talk about how I really feel
Pain is only being able to speak about feelings on pen and paper



I swear I Won’t Cry.


The tears puddle up in both my eyes

A blink away from dropping

But I can’t let that happen

I can’t let them see it

I can’t let them know

That the joy in me was all a big show

So I’m shutting my eyes a bit tighter

C’mon baby girl, you’ve always been quite the fighter

I is strong

I may be unwanted, mistreated, unappreciated, hated, tormented,

But I is strong

And that’s all that I have

All that I need to hold back the condensed form of depression momentarily pricking my eyes

Blurring my vision

Influencing my thoughts

Doubting my ability to stay focused

But they’ve got the wrong girl

The wrong girl is who they have got

I will not be like the others

Lock myself up and cry my life away

They fool themselves thinking that crying takes away the pain

Makes you feel better

I’ve been fooled once but, never again

Hold on young one, you’re going to make it through yet another day

I Swear I Won’t Cry

So, I’m still shutting my eyes tightly

Forcing my thoughts to become happy ones

Forcing my breathing to become normal and my jaw to stop vibrating

I’m forcing it all

Holding back the pain, hurt, misery, depression

Holding back the temptation to entertain my desolate and bereft feeling

Holding back my tears

Because if I don’t…

If I don’t fight as hard as I do

I might let a teardrop fall

And then another

And then a few more

Only a matter of seconds until my eyes mimic the nature of a waterfall

A matter of seconds until the tears come flooding out

Never ending and ever pouring

It’s the buildup of misery over the past years

Misery I hadn’t let anyone else see

Misery I had locked up in an old chest and thrown away the key

The misery behind my influential smile and contagious laugh

Like pure water flows out of the spring rocks

So will my tears flow

Unwanted and unstoppable they will be

Full of all the negative emotions they will be

Embarrassing they will be

Despite the fact that I am hiding behind closed doors

And not a soul in the world can see me in my fragile, emotional state

I will be abashed to know that I didn’t fight back hard enough

I will feel weak and helpless

Destroyed and hopeless

Because I was once a strong woman

And a fighter of emotions

Letting a tear escape from my tear glands and onto my cheek

Does nothing but prove that I have given in to emotional pain

And lost the title of a strong woman

But a strong woman is who I want to be

Who I have always been

So, a strong woman, I will continue to be

I Swear I Won’t Cry





My Lips May Lie But, My Body Does The Exact Opposite.

I try to act distant
Stay distant
Keep my thoughts far away from what is apparent
Speak words that oppose how I really feel
But regardless of how hard I may try
I fail to conceal the underlying truth
Because a part of me will always give it away
My body
My body is incapable of acting out the lies that my lips utter
My body fails to agree with what I want it to agree with
A strong bond seems to exist between my subconscious and my physical body
As it only moves in the way that my subconscious moves
Lingers around the one I admire in the way that my subconscious thoughts linger around him
Squirms when slightly touched in the way that my subconscious squirms when imagining being in direct contact with him
My lips lie but no part of my body except my hips does the same
Words mean nothing while body language is everything
I pray thee to lend a deaf ear to my empty words and evasive lies
See through them and pay attention to the language that my physical form speaks
The uncontrollable smile plastered on my face
The weird way in which I stare at you
The manner in which my hands wrap around you when I pull in for an embrace
The awkward movements that my hands make only because they want to be somehow entwined in yours
My lips may lie
But my body cannot no matter how hard I try
I pray the to lend a deaf ear to my pointless ramblings
I apologize for being unable to express clearly, what most people refer to as true feelings




Long Back…

Your face hunts my eyes
I can’t stop picturing it even after 1, 2, 3 tries.
Your voice slightly tickles my eardrums
To that, I say yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Your smile acts like my artificial pacemaker
I pray thee to keep your smile
So that my heart may remain beating.
Your laugh is like music to my soul
I’d be a comedian if it keeps the rhythm calm and slow.
And when you come close to me
I can barely breathe
I get a weird tingle in my belly
This feeling is unknown to me.
Your smell lingers in my soul
Constantly cleansing me
Its got almost the same effect as anointing oil and a bowl.
When we kiss it’s heaven on earth
Joy everlasting in my spirit
It’s hard to take a breath.
You’d hold my hands and my pacinian corpuscles become extra sensitive
To a touch so tender
A touch so affective.
From my palm to my face
and down my abdomen
My strong, healthy cardiac muscles are beating faster
As if preparing for a big race.
I’d look into your eyes and you’d stare back
Expecting me to say something, anything
But I hesitate and let my eyes fallback.
I’d pause for a second and allow my lips to shyly curve upwards
Sometimes, words can’t explain how I feel
So, all I can manage is a smile, bright and emotion filled as can be.
I can’t understand this
Yet alone, explain it
All I know is,
My body longs for yours and so does my soul
It is only fair that you long back.


I Want.

I Want…
To be the optimistic friend that pessimists need
To be one of the strong women that the world lacks
To be the independent girl that females hope to become
To be the determined daughter that parents yearn for
To be the hard working student that lecturers dream about
To be the happy disposition that everyone wants to be around
To be the erudite young lady that men pray to find
To be the blameless soul that God wants me to be
To be what ‘they’ want me to be

I want to be left alone really
I cannot be a lot of the things above
Why can the world not come to terms with that?
I am who I am
And if that isn’t good enough then, crucify me
I won’t stop you
Why can’t I be left alone?
Free from incredibly high expectations
Free from being judged by the people who barely know me
Free from the misery that haunts me when I return back home
Free from it all
I want to be alone
In a quiet corner, a quiet room, a quiet house, a quiet city, a quiet part of the world
I need time to think, analyze and come to a conclusion
Time to become the person that I want to be
Time away from all the confusion
Time away from the people that I am familiar with
I want to be alone.

(There’s so much pressure on fragile little me. My spirit is upset and I can’t deal with it. So many things don’t make sense right now and this post may be one of them. I might take it down in a few days when I begin to understand the situation at hand but until then, this is what you get)

There’s no love left in me

The Blurry Future.

I’ve changed my mind and I don’t know if it’s right
My future is beginning to look like an abstract painting
With no definite outline
No ultimate description
Just a few ideas and the whole world claiming to have an opinion
I was so sure
Not bothered a bit about the inescapable pressure
It was either this or nothing
No maybe’s, no what if’s
No trying and no falling
It’s a year too late
But my life, I have to reevaluate
Weigh my options
Pros and cons,
Yays and nays
Advantages and disadvantages
A few months too late and I haven’t made my choice
Unwilling to let go of my previous ‘dream’
What would the world say?
“She gave up. She wasn’t determined. She wasn’t focused. She lacked the necessary qualities. She just wasn’t smart enough”
I need to ignore the world and do what I want, just this once
I’m confused and just plain sad
The solid pillars which once supported my faith are shaking
That’s not what I want but there’s naught I can do
I only pray that someone out there can convince me to believe that I’ll make it through

(No time for proper punctuation)


You’re A Girl – By @mizzleBW

You’re a girl,

You are strong.

Strong enough to smile when you don’t mean it

Strong enough to have that special twinkle in your eyes even when your heart is crying out

Strong enough to hide your very complex emotions

all in the attempt to avoid hurting the feelings of those that you love

and that boys’

Someone who will never have the slightest clue about your affections for him.

You’re a girl,

You are sweet.

Sweet enough to be concerned

Sweet enough to make everyone’s sorrow your sorrow

Sweet enough to care so much about the most irrelevant things

You pay so much attention to the little things that he says

Read meaning into those random statements that me makes

You assume because you want it to be true, to be real, to be requited

You’re assigning emotions to someone that you care about

Someone who will never return the favor.

You’re a girl,

You are brave.

Brave enough to take a leap of faith

Brave enough to not take the consequences into consideration

Brave enough to risk all that you have

mind and body, blood and heart

All for the miniature probability of happiness

happiness which belongs not to you but to that young mister

Someone who would never appreciate it.

You’re a girl,

You are affection

You are a long list of never ending emotion(s)

You are the tingling sensation that couples feel when they are together

You are the original product of love.


Because you were born from it. Carved from pillars of emotions, ever so deep and ever so positive

You will always be underestimated, unappreciated, mistreated, misplaced and misunderstood

you will cry yourself to sleep each night to hide the deep pain that lingers through your soul

You will wake up, come morning, putting on that same big and bright

but, also fake and meaningless smile like nothing ever happened

Because people can’t see beyond your seemingly joyful face and into your bleeding heart

But, that is what you require to be a girl.

You’re a girl

And in the end, it’s not about being strong, sweet or brave

those are very minor traits of what you really are

It’s about an ability

and it hurts me to know that it is one which is terribly underrated

It’s about a never ending process,

Your constant ability to (G)row (I)nto   (R)eal (L)ove

You are a GIRL.


My Imaginary Walk Back Home.

It’s dark, it’s quiet,

It’s lonely and, for some reason, I really need the toilet.

I’m walking back home, accompanied by my lover,

We’re running like fools,

It’s freezing because this isn’t summer.

Laughing at the top of my voice,

I need not laugh but, I’ve made my choice.

Talking because it’ll be awkward if we don’t.

Smiling because…why are we smiling?

I am fully aware of my reason for smiling but, his?

It’s pretty casual,

Nothing so unusual.

I feel pressure around my waist,

It’s his hands, I feel like all my efforts have not gone go waste.

This is just an act of kindness to him,

However, to me it’s an event that initiates fireworks in my rock hard heart.

If only he knew how I felt,

What these few minutes meant to me.

Attraction? Lust? Obsession?

Not really sure but, we’ll call it love by convention.

In almost a second, I’m stood my door,

I don’t want it to end; I need him a little more.

We say our goodbyes and he walks away,

I feel like I’ve found the perfect man but, he’s kept me at bay.




Just A Few Thoughts.

I thought about the brutal winter weather

The cold, merciless Sheffield wind

The slight trembling movements that my fingers made

My misery and how it will eventually fade.


I thought about the crowded streets

Young adults with lectures to meet

The morning skies, a bit too bright, a bit less cloudy

My walk past Mapping Street, Engineers are way too rowdy.


I thought about my 5 inch high, thick African curls

My cream colored coat, dark tights, beautiful pair of pearls

My vintage leather boots that didn’t cost me a dime

My anxiety to get to my 9am class right on time.


I thought about pushing past people, struggling to get through

About eventually crossing the street

Looking for my reflection in the window of a parked car

But, only managing to see the back seat.


I thought about the random guy on the other side

Staring at me like I was a freak show

About why he was staring and what he hoped to find

About him asking to talk to me, not like I would mind.


I thought about how this random guy was you

The way people don’t meet but, meet in the weirdest way

The fact that a day before, I had fake hair on

And how me being noticed would have been a fantasy long gone.


I thought about you yesterday

It’s 2:30 am and, I’m thinking about you today

So, I’m sure as hell going to think about you tomorrow

It doesn’t matter that we’re now in different boroughs.


I thought about you

I thought about us

About what we may become

Then, I thought about facing ice cold rejection.


All of a sudden, I thought about nothing

And then I concluded that I was sleeping

Because it is only in my dreams that I cannot choose

To think about my very beautiful mister,

The one that made me forget about my numerous ‘boos’




2013 Yoooooo!

2013 Yoooooo!

Hey beautiful people,

It’s your girl, A and I’m here to give you another one of my long mushy posts. I apologize for abandoning my blog for a while (let’s assume you noticed) but, I just had a lot going on and, I needed time out.

Merry Christmas, merry boxing day, merry day after boxing day, merry last day of 2012, happy new year, happy day after the new year, happy birthday, happy anniversary, congratulations on your new baby. Feel free to reply to whichever concerns you. I also want to take time out to give a S/O to everyone that made it past the supposed end of the world.

So, it’s a New Year and, people are deceiving themselves making New Year resolutions. That shit never works out for me y’know. Last year, my New Year resolutions were to abstain from boys till I’m 20, flee from alcohol, turn party invites down, stop laughing too much and to get a bikini body. Ha. I laugh. Ha Ha. I laugh again. Guess what my resolutions are this year…yup, the exact same things. That’s only because none of them happened last year. God help me. I hope you keep to your own resolutions.

People are starting to go crazy ‘cause it’s a chance to turn over a new leaf, start afresh, be focused. I’m only happy about this year because, last year was burning sulfur (Hell) for me. I actually fell apart for the first time and, I could never bring myself to tell anyone the full thing. It hurts to remember. For Christmas, I asked Santa/God(whichever you fancy) to give me hope for a better year ahead because I lost all the hope I had within me last year. Eventually, I’d see it as a thing of the past. I can only hope for the best ey?

I have a few words to say regarding 2013. It’s not one of my usual rhymey rhymey indirect poems about love and hurt and the person that I fancy. Okay, it might be but, just a little bit. Why is your face like that? You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to y’know?

It’s a new year
A time for new beginnings,
New friendships and,
New relationships in general.
A new attitude towards work and
The people that I dislike.
A chance to take a leap of faith,
Do something out of the ordinary,
Confess my love to my very sexy mister,
Kiss on the boulevard,
And live my life the way I want
Regardless of what “they” might say.
It’s the same old me
Just a little bit redefined.
I have the opportunity to become the person
That I have always wanted to be,
The perfect coursemate, flatmate,
Friend, best friend, girlfriend
And most of all, the perfect daughter.
Meet new people, set new p’s
Have a new outlook on life and relationships.
Same old blog, new characters
I’d use the same set of words,
The same alliterations and puns and euphemisms
Same repetitions, rhymes, idioms
The same style of writing
It’s the same sort of emotions
Love, hurt, lust, pain, rejection
But, my Mister/Lad/Him/You
is brand new.