Askejkjbrlkn.

I’m a bit frustrated so, this might not make a lot of sense hence, my very queer title. These past few weeks have got me thinking about love. Well, I think that’s what they call it. To be honest, I’d rather refer to it as lust or infatuation. So, what drove me to think of such rubbish at my young and tender age? What exactly was it about love that I was constantly thinking about? Of what concern is this to you? Why are you reading my blog and not your textbook? I don’t know actually but, keep reading if you wish.

I happen to be a hopeless romantic. I also happen to be literally hopeless in the romantic side of life. I can’t even begin to explain why I wrote my previous statement but, it’s a fact. I don’t blame anyone however. If I was a boy, I probably wouldn’t fancy me. Ey don’t give me none of that ‘don’t be so insecure about yourself…you’re beautiful too…someone will want you’ keep your prep talk for your children. I know I’m beautiful…like Beyonce has competition yo. This has naught to do with my insecurities (even though I have stupidly decided to name my blog my INSECURITIES and co). I am not here to talk about my insecurities. I’m here to rant. Yes! I think that’s exactly what I’m about to do. My heart’s beating faster. Adrenaline is being secreted. My pupils are dilating. I think I’m a bit temperamental now. I’m not quite sure why.

I went a little off point there. So, as I was saying, I happen to be a hopeless romantic. It might be because I have chosen to bombard myself with romantic movies/novels and blindly believe in them. I’ve grown to want this fake movie love. I’ll always imagine myself with the best possible man in the world. Breakfast in Dubai, lunch in a private jet, dinner in china (now that’s my Igbo side speaking). Also, I’d imagine myself and Mr Romantic taking long, slow walks on the beach, sitting on the rooftop till sunrise, talking across the table while we eat my not so perfect meal, sleeping together. No sex, no immoral activities, just sleeping and clinging on to the love of my life. I just wanted a simple sort of romance y’know. So, I had to be so uptight and non-cooperative with the boys that I knew wouldn’t make my fantasies a reality. Unfortunately, this happened to be all the boys that have ever fancied me. Well, all the boys that had the courage to make their feelings known to me. So, I really couldn’t have anything to do with them in terms of relationships. I might seem like quite the picky type but, it’s far from that.

Somehow, we’re talking about relationships. Relationships? I’m not about that life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go round giving boys ‘free chops’ either. I think relationships are a big commitment. I hate to claim people as my best friend(s) (I do have a best friend though). I hate constantly talking to the same set of people. I hate being close to people. I hate saying ‘I love you’. I hate the idea of having to do the same kind of job for the rest of my life. They all require commitment and attachment hence, why I’m not a big fan of relationships.

So, why do people rush into it? It’s supposed to have meaning. It’s supposed to symbolize love rather than a source of adventure. It’s supposed to be real. I could never understand why people went out back in high school. It was one of the biggest mysteries ever. Like why? What was the point? Was it the thrill of kissing in PE class and not getting caught? Or going behind the hall to press breast and touch the D? All those things seemed disgusting to me back then. I was 14 when I left high school so, maybe that’s why. Then again, three years after, I still think all those things are disgusting. Then sometimes, I get people asking me what the worst thing I’ve done is. Like I’m supposed to say ‘ oh I jumped a stranger the last time I went clubbing’ and feel like a boss. One word, Disgusting. I used to be the ice cold beesh just cause I turned everyone down. My friend Mr Lolosky described me as a new car once. I didn’t quite understand the similarity at the point but, it sounded nice.

But, things have changed. I was locked up in an all-girls school for two years and then released into a world full of beautiful boys. The worst thing ever. Don’t ever send your children to single sex schools. I was let off my leach and dumped in the middle of a sea full of fishes. Arab fishes, Nigerian fishes, mixed fishes even. Hmmm yummy yummy yummy is all I could think of. So, I let loose. No, I did not convert my vagina into McDonalds’ toilet. I thought I should get rid of my fantasies altogether. None of that cute pure love rubbish. None of that I’ll have my first kiss with someone that was crazy about me nonsense. None of that I will wait bullshit either. I thought I’d just act on impulse and ‘see what happens after’. That’s what everyone has been telling me lately. ‘Just see what happens’ we all know what’ll happen so, why will you keep me waiting.

Anyway, let’s forget everything I said before this paragraph. Today I did something that I said I’ll never do. I allowed my tear ducts do what they’ve always wanted to do. I hate to cry because so many people including myself  think I’m some weakling and I have to try and act all tough so, I can prove to others that I’m not the average weak girl. Also because I’ve been through so much in my life and crying never actually helped me in anyway so, I said I’ll never do it again. But, it’s so hard to not cry when everything is going wrong. I know I should pray when my life seems impossible but, that’ll make me cry even more. So, I try not to think about it or just laugh about it or sleep.

Today however, I can’t do any of those things because I’m tired. I’m tired of being the strong girl. Tired of acting all badass for no good reason. Tired of making emotions such a taboo. Just tired of everything. I was still keeping my tears back until I heard ‘vespers goodbye’ by Nick Jonas. His voice always brings me to the brink of tears it’s so unreal. So, why did I cry? Why did my tear glands disappoint me today? I don’t know. Lately, “I dunno” seems to be the only answer I can manage to give for every question I’ve been asked. I’m being evasive, trying to avoid every kind of emotional conversation/encounter. I am  just tired and weak and demoralized and I dunno. I’m confused and it sucks. I’m in a place where I shouldn’t be. I’m not moving forward in life and no one understands. I don’t want to be here but, I have to. I have to force myself to bed every night and wake up every morning trying to convince myself that I’m good enough and I’ll make it through. Someone once told me that self-deceit is the worst kind ever. I’ve never been so insecure about everything before in my life. I can’t anymore.

To top it all up, my amygdala has decided to fancy someone I can’t have. I should be so focused and I like a boy. Wtf is that about? Sometimes I wish I had no emotions. Things like this just irritate me. A few weeks ago, it was so perfect. I was like “omg he…then, I…and then, we..and he said…teehee we might actually…”I felt like I had taken a step forward but, today, I think I made a mistake. I happen to be more than a million miles away from having what I want with said person. Then there are the other boys that need to get off my case.

Ugh ugh ugh. I cannot begin to describe the intensity of stupidity that I feel right now. I was to scream and cry and eat ice-cream + cake all at the same time but I can’t. I’ll lose my amazing voice if I scream. I’ll feel weak if I cried (again) and I’ll get fatter if I ate ice cream + cake. Life really isn’t fair. I should stop now before I say too much. This is a blog not my autobiography right? I just thought that maybe if I wasn’t so uptight you might actually….

The point of all this gibberish is that…there is no point. The thing is, it’s my birthday in three days and, frustration is beginning to set it. I’m usually always so angry on my birthday. Something bad always happens.

It all started in year 7 when two wonderful seniors decided to throw glass plates at themselves in the dining hall. It was a massive fight…too live. However, this got my housemistress pissed so, she said I couldn’t celebrate my birthday anymore. There I was, this little poor year 7 child. I had just turned 10..the big two-digit age and I wasn’t given the opportunity to share my joy.

People tried so hard to make me happy ugh…people. They helped me share my cake and all the orishi rishi that I had. Obviously, I faked a lovely smile for all the very kind seniors. Acted like I didn’t know they were doing eye service for me so, they can devour my food later on. I was skinny at the time so, food wasn’t particularly something that I loved.

Anyway, I went back to my bed and almost cried. I never cry but, if I was the crying type, that would have been the perfect moment to bathe my flat pillow with my salty solution of lysosomes. One of the reasons I hate birthdays. Blah everyone’s always like ‘you have to be excited’. Excited about what though? I’m going to be 22 (ID age)…I’m getting old. Eventually, I’ll be old and boring and probably still very single. *sigh*

 

Love,

A

x

Always wanted to…However.

I’ve always wanted to be close to crying

Get that funny feeling in my mouth

And then stop myself from bursting out

However, I don’t trust myself to hold back the tears

 

I’ve always wanted to run through the hills

Sing at the top of my voice

And understand how it feels

However, I don’t trust myself to come back home

 

I’ve always wanted to let go

Stop trying to hold on

And release myself from every form of attachment

However, I don’t trust myself to deal with the feeling of nostalgia

 

I’ve always wanted to deal with the pain

Harden my heart

And let my feelings gradually go away

However, I don’t trust myself to go back to being human

 

I’ve always wanted to show emotions

Anger, Sadness, Fear, Envy

And Love, Kindness, Hope, Pity

However, I don’t trust myself to be strong again

 

I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship

Forget about every other boy

And stop my heart from being this empty void

However, I don’t trust myself to deal with it all when it’s over

Love,

A

x

Run Far Away.

tumblr_mwwkgrtLbH1s82lcjo1_500

I want to run far away

Take off my leach and go astray

Up and down the hills

Through the valley

Across the seas

And pass every alley

 

I want to run into the dark

Dive in and swim with the sharks

To wander off and find myself in a peaceful park

It’s almost impossible to deal with

This whole love thing is beginning to sound like a myth

 

I want to run to a place called paradise

My spirit longs to move but my feet seem paralyzed

All these mishaps have left me nothing but traumatized

I need to be fearless, I need to be strong

Whip out my iPod and listen to my favorite song

 

I want to run to my lover

Someone to love me from now till forever

Hold me close underneath the covers

Maybe only then will this finally be over

However, who he is, I’m yet to discover

 

I want to run to somewhere new

My boat trip has been long overdue

All dressed in white, I guess I’m part of the crew

Across the sea, ever so calm and ever so blue

I want to stand on the deck and for once, enjoy the view

I can’t bear to stay here, let alone make it through

(Forgive my rubbish punctuation, we cant all be perfect at english)

Love,

A

x

This _____ Of Mine.

This love of mine,

Unreal as you may be,

One day you will be true,

You will not be unrequited.

 

This infatuation of mine,

Physically attractive as you may be,

One day you will die,

You will not compel me to act stupidly.

 

This craving of mine,

Desirable as you may be,

One day, I will be able to overcome you,

You will not control me.

 

This imaginary boyfriend of mine,

Affectionate and perfect as you may be,

One day I will have you,

You will become a reality.

 

This hurt of mine,

Ever present as you may be,

One day you will be overpowered by joy,

You will flee from me.

 

These tears of mine,

Salty and unexpected as you may be,

One day your presence will not be needed,

You will only be used to reduce the friction in my eyes when blinking.

 

This body of mine,

Imperfect as you may be,

One day you will know love,

You will mature and stop squirming when touched slightly.

 

This heart of mine,

Weak as you may be,

One day you will heal,

You will know love.

You will not hurt.

You will not bleed with pain.

You will not pour out excessive hemoglobin.

You will not crave the thing that causes you pain.

You will be saved and treated with care.

You will be able to repair the multiple cracks I have made in your soft, delicate and flexible muscles.

Love,
A
X

Can’t Think Of What To Call This So, Eventually, This Title Might Need A Little Alteration.

It was her first time and it was supposed to be a memorable occasion. The guy she adored the most, the one who had all of her attention.  It started out as mere infatuation. But, from there grew real affection. With that came about the need for perfection. His presence made all of her nerves halt in a uniform formation. Never before had she experienced such fascination. Thinking about him seemed to be her one and only addiction. He touched her, it was the best ever sensation. It felt wrong, something close to subornation.  But, she could not resist the temptation. It was not eagerness, it was not desperation. It was supposed to be nothing but a mere invitation. In less than a minute, there was unison, something she referred to as colligation. Now in the act, there was the will to partake in a little exploration. She had never done this before, this brought about excitation. There was a little spark, nothing as serious as electrocution. He watched her the whole time, steady taking note of her reaction.

The deed was done, no need for a standing ovation. However she felt used, she needed clarification. Always thinking and dealing with confusion. She drowned herself in work, a form of distraction. Wanted to be alone, wanted to be in isolation. Her tear glands were starting to lose it, they were starting to malfunction.  Was this even real or was this her imagination? How he felt was the big unanswered question. She needed something, a bit more information. A few words from her lover, something to help the situation. Some form of explanation. The love in her heart was starting to undergo diffusion. It had to happen, there was no better solution. Then, there was depression. A big strain in her heart, I’m talking about myocardial infarction. It’s hard to let go and, move on in a different direction. Impossible to look in the mirror and not be judged by her own reflection. She had fallen a bit too hard, moved so fast all because of her slight obsession. It need not be said out loud because, she knew that she had just faced the worst case of rejection.

Love,

A

x

Not.

The one that I have is not the one that I want.

Things of the past should not be brought forth.

Mere distance would not set two lovers apart.

It is how you finish that matters not how you start.

Wailing and crying will not solve the problem at hand.

Not every relationship will lead to marriage.

So, calm your titties and do not be so eager to buy a baby carriage.

Losing one battle is not a good reason to give up.

Talking about being ‘full to the brim’, your life is not a cup.

Crying should not be an option. Instead, devote yourself to hard work.

Because, crying does nothing but, bring pity and give fools a reason to talk.

Being heartbroken does not mean you’ll end up with a permanent scar.

Your ugly attitude not your ugly face is what chases people away when they see you coming from afar.

Just because you don’t get what you want does not give you the right to doubt.

I am aware of the fact that the title of this post does not have anything to do with what it is about.

Love,

A

x

I Can’t Make You Love Me – Tank

I was going to wait until tomorrow before I post something else but, I happen to be a very impatient child.

It’s past 2 am and I am sat on my bed thinking about rubbish that will never in a million years be of any use to me. It’s hard to explain what it is that I am thinking about. Okay, I lied, it is very easy to explain the rubbish in my head right now but, it’s pretty miserable so, I’d rather not.

I heard this song a few months ago and, had it on replay for a while because, that’s what I always do when I hear a new song that is likable. After a while, it just started to irritate me..you know how it works.

Anyway, I told myself that I’ll never have to listen to this song and think about my situation. That it’ll never have anything to do with me and that I wouldn’t ever know all the words to it. Then again, I tell myself things like ‘Aku you’re hotter than Beyonce’ and ‘Einstein ain’t got nothing on me’ so, it’s hard to believe half of the things I tell myself.

I know my two weeks is up and, I’m supposed to be ‘lust-free’ by now but, I’m not. I may talk about it a little less or, stop smiling when I hear your name or, act like I don’t notice you but, it’s all fake. Even faker than the stupid weave I have on right now. All so people don’t look at me like that poor girl that can’t get who she wants. Ugh.

I always say ‘Depression Cometh By Night’ which is why I like to sleep early. I mean, It is five hours past my bedtime but, I’m here thinking about how “I Can’t Make You Love Me”. This isn’t anyone’s fault seeing as “You Can’t Make Your Heart Feel Something It Won’t”.

‘I’ll close my eyes. Then I won’t see THE LOVE YOU DON’T FEEL WHEN YOU’RE HOLDING ME’ has to be my best and most painful line. Only because that’s exactly what I did when….

Love,
A
x

My Not So Short Introduction.

Hey beautiful people :). I’d like to formally welcome you to My Insecurities & Co. My name’s Akunna. If you said ‘Akunna Matata’ in your head then please, slap yourself. That’s pretty much all you need to know about me for now.

I’ve been told quite often that I’m an ‘Emotional Writer’ (Whatever that means). However, I have no emotions whatsoever in real life but somehow, when I decide to write, all the emotions just seem to start flooding in. It’s almost magical. I’ve also been referred to as dramatic and crazy and mad and silly and ugly and none of that has anything to do with anything.

So, what am I doing on WordPress? What is the aim of my blog? What are my short term goals? What are my long term goals? (Got that from ‘Think Like A Man’ a movie I will forever love because….) I have this blog for so many reasons but, I’ll only explain one because I just can’t be asked to write a lot today.

You know those thoughts that you have on your mind almost all the time. Those thoughts that you can’t tell the people around you about. Not because you don’t trust them but, because, you tend to feel like they’ll know too much about you. Those thoughts that you can’t write in a diary because they make you seem like a depressed homo Sapien and you’ll be devastated if anyone ever read them. Well, yes I have those thoughts. It’s quite ironic that I have decided to come and share it with the whole world when I can’t risk telling it to my amazing friends. The thing is, writing it in public only allows you to put so much emotion into it. That way, you can’t make it sound so emo and at the same time, you’re not bottling up BS.

I actually had a blog before www.slavetomyemotionss.blogspot.com. Have fun stalking. It’s tres deep and might make you cry….yes, I’m deep like that. I had a few favorites from there. The links are below incase you fancy reading any of them…no pressure.

http://slavetomyemotionss.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/hi-im-girl.html

http://slavetomyemotionss.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/3-reasons.html

http://slavetomyemotionss.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/funny-how.html

http://slavetomyemotionss.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/my-mini-rant.html

Maybe not ‘A Few’

I decided to get a new blog because my blogspot was kind of like a summer project. Just something to keep me busy. It is full of things from my past that I rather not remember. Past emotions. Past feelings. Past lusts. Past situations etc.. A lot of the posts there don’t define me anymore so; it doesn’t feel right keeping it. I still have posts on my laptop that I was just too lazy to blog so, I might publish them later in life…sometime in the future..eventually..Y’know. A new blog to me is like moving on and, I’m a big fan of change and moving on. I like to believe I’ve changed. Not changed but, I’m a newer version of me. Same person just a thousand times more amazing. Well, that’s what I tell myself anyway.

Majority of my posts would be either slightly exaggerated or, the exact opposite of what’s really going on or, something about someone else or, the complete truth or, arrant nonsense. However, you will not be able to tell the difference unless of course we’re close like that.

I really can’t be asked to say anything more so, have fun reading my blog ☺

Love,

A

x