Note To Self.

Inhale, exhale

Don’t smile too much or laugh too loud

It’s hard to focus but, I must prevail

A lot of things are hard to do when he is around.

 

Think baby girl, think

Make an attempt to speak

There’s only so much rubbish that you could say

My lips are moving but, they don’t seem to make a sound.

 

Be calm, be poised

Pause in-between sentences

Stop fiddling with your hands; it’s not on his list of preferences

It’s just the two of us but, I feel like I’m speaking in front of a crowd.

 

Take your time, one leg in front of the other

Young one, you sound just like your mother

Don’t be silly, you’ve been strutting in heels all your life

I’m trying so hard but, I keep falling down to the ground.

 

Chew for 10 seconds not a century

Swallow you bitch, it has been 5 minutes already

Weird as this may seem, I have an excuse

I can’t eat in front of him and, I ain’t even proud.

 

Don’t look down at the floor darling

Pray to God that you stop perspiring

Don’t be so awkward, don’t be so shy

It’s disgusting to admit but, my feelings for him are profound.

 

Love,

A

X

Title Still Undergoing Construction.

With time, you learn how to cry without making a sound

How to force your sclera to go from red to white in a millisecond.

A little less on the outside and a little more within

My mind seems to wander into places I have never been.

There’s really nothing, not even mere chemistry

My lips are curved upwards in a crescent shape.

My soul often pours out with unexplained misery

I want to run but, I cannot escape.

I miss so many things, so many people

It doesn’t make sense, at least not from this angle.

Most of all, I miss the one thing I never had

I miss you, my beautiful sexy lad.

The electric impulses that are fired when we touch

It feels so unreal; I never thought I’d ever experienced such.

The constant churning in my belly when we kiss

If we never become, this is something I’ll definitely miss.

The way my heart skips a few beats when you walk by

I want to reach out and hold you but, I can’t even manage to say “Hi”.

You’re right here but you’re not

It’s like we progress only to regress once more.

Something like a swing, we keep going back and forth

Playing with my emotions? I hope not.

I’m too feeble, too weak to explain

Unsure if I can cope with the pain.

Now and again I go on my knees and pray

That eventually, these superficial feelings will go away.

 

Love,

A

x

Kissy Kissy.

Kissy Kissy.

Hey beautiful people,

I don’t really have much to say today but, somehow, I have the urge to post something on this white blog of mine. Actually, I have a lot to say and that’s the problem. There’s just too many thoughts all jumbled up in my head and, they don’t really make sense right now hence, my inability to write a poem.

I put up a picture that kind of says a bit about what I’m thinking of. It’s a bit silly seeing as I should really be studying but, I’m a girl with feelings (believe it or not) and sometimes, these feelings influence my thoughts. I can’t help it okay? It could have been worse, I could have been thinking of sexual nonsense
.
I’ll stop now because this is actually about the picture. By the way, the person I’m thinking about really doesn’t have dimples so, feel free to eliminate that word from the poem above.

Love
A
x

A Few Questions That I Hate.

Why do you like him?

Like the actual fuck?! especially when you don’t know shit about the person. I like him because he’s fine sounds a bit too shallow. I like him because he’s rich is a bit too gold digger-ish. I like him because he’s tall, a bit too foolish. I like him cause he’s so focused and speaks with such elegance + when he looks at me, my whole world pauses for a minute, too old-ish and too deep. I like him because I like him ah ah what’s your business? What will the answer do for you? You, why do you like the person that you like? Kmt! Imagine if the person now doesn’t like you back. You’ll finish giving an Obama-like speech on why you like someone that doesn’t give a fuck about you and then feel stupid afterwards. Please this is an embarrassing question, stop asking it.

Are you okay?

My dear, if I was okay, you wouldn’t have to ask me that. You even know I’ll lie and say “yes I’m okay” so, why are you asking? Even though I say no, what will you do next? Ask me what’s wrong? And then what? Give me some rubbish advice? Or give me a pitiful hug? Nah I don’t do that shit. Also, if I wanted you to know, I would have told you a long time ago. Please this is a question for the aproko’s, stop asking it.

Are you serious?

Oooooh God! Don’t even get me started on this one. If I wasn’t serious, would I have said it? So what if I’m laughing while I’m saying it? “I left high school at 14′ are you serious? No I’m not. That’s why three school years after, I’m 17. “I’m 5ft9” Are you serious? Eh eh I actually have invisible heels on. “I have a baby sister” Aaw are you serious? Nah, she’s really my daughter. Please this is an irrelevant question stop asking it.

OMG is that___(something irrelevant)?

This isn’t very straightforward but I shall give examples. OMG is that an iphone5? You use a 4s isn’t it obvious to you? OMG is this LV? No, I used brown and cream poster color to decorate a random bag. OMG is that the laptop that has beats system? My dear, do you need glasses or, did you just choose to ignore the “beats audio” written on the laptop? OMG is that Tyra banks? You just want me to know you’ve heard about her…just like everyone else eey? OMG is that from primark? ofcourse not, the “A” is for Abercrombie. Please this is an ignorant question, stop asking it

Why did you change your hair?

Don’t even fucking piss me off! “Your afro was a lot nicer you shouldn’t have gotten a weave”…You don’t say this to girls yo! I’ve just done my hair, obviously, I look different and feel somewhat ugly because it’s not what I’m used to then, you come and tell me how my hair isn’t nice?! Cheers for not making me feel insecure. You like the fro? Get yourself an African girlfriend with natural hair. What I do to my hair is independent on what you consider nice/attractive. You’re not my anything. Please this is a question that brings about insecurities, stop asking it.

Do you have a boyfriend?

Yes I do, that’s why I’m out here flirting with you in the middle of the night. I mean, come on mehn! I don’t know about the girls you’ve dated but, people like me remain faithful for the duration of our relationship (that I have never had but, that is not the point). I could never go out on a date with someone else when I have a boyfriend. I don’t even flirt with other boys when I like someone…still feels like cheating even if I’m not sure about how that someone feels about me. You think I’ll dress really nice, do some professional makeup thing on my face just to look nice for someone else when I have my own boo? What kind of girl do you take me for? Please this is almost a stupid question, stop asking it.

Are you cold?

My dear this is England, ofcourse I’m cold. It’s 10pm and I’m outside with a thin excuse of a blazer. I’m trying to look hot and do odeshi for the cold. So you can obviously see me moving around like tadpoles in concentrated sulfuric acid and you’re asking me if I’m cold?! No I just like to shiver…it’s my way of exercising my muscles. Just give me your jacket already so, this can be a romantic scene. Geez some boys just don’t watch enough romantic movies. Even if I said I was cold and you offered me your coat, I shall reject it as a bad gurl. Why not just skip that part and give me the jumper already? Or, put your arms around me? The worst is when I’m shaking like no mans business and my boo decides to offer his jacket to another girl right in front of me. Like don’t actually vex me! I can produce enough heat from my temper to warm up the whole of Europe because of this. Please this is a romantic scene spoiler, stop asking it.

What is your password?

Sigh. The password is there for a reason y’know. What are you even looking for in my phone/ laptop/ everything else? I don’t really understand this question to be honest. It’s like asking someone what their debit card pin is. Are they supposed to happily tell you this? The human mind is very funny tbh. Please this is an intruding question, stop asking it.

Do you know xyz?

I hate it when people look at me like I know everyone on the face of the earth. Okay so, I live in a dead town, schooled in a not so dead town and now I’m in a crazy city but, it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know anybody. Nobody knows me. Don’t ask me about anyone because even if I know them, I will not tell you. Ah. The worst is when you now go and ask someone else if they know me. Then it’s like I was famzing them before. Don’t fade the reps that I do not have. Please this is a reps killer question, stop asking it.

What’s the worst you have done with a boy?

Like the actual blood Of Jesus. Please of what concern is this to you? Do you want to marry me? Is it in your culture to investigate my “doings” with boys in the past? Are you my anything? No, no, no and no. Then, why do you want to know? As if I’m supposed to say I have jumped a guy before and feel like a boss. The worst thing about this question is that I really don’t have an answer for it. I mean I do but, it’s boring. The worst thing? Uh oh this is very interesting and sexual. Infact, it’s rated R. I kissed a boy for the first time when I was three weeks less than 17 and the second time was an accident -_-. Even the crickets would stop making noise when they hear this statement. Please this is a personal question, stop asking it.

Tell me about yourself.

This isn’t a question but, some Nigerian boys have forced it to become one “so, tell me about yourself?” Ma guy please don’t make me get temperamental. What about myself? My name? Age? Best food? The languages I can speak? The names of my friends? The names of my lovers? How old I was when I first spoke? My hobbies? What I hate? My type? What I consider funny? How many dogs I have? Their names? Their breed? If I prefer fanta to coke? How many times I’ve been through the root canal procedure? Do I like dentists? The number of times I chopped cane as a child + teenager? Am I scared of the dark? Do I even have a phobia? The story of how I was left handed before? The story of how I almost killed myself? There’s so much to say y’know but guess what? It’s not your business. If I wanted to tell people about myself, I would have written an autobiography but, I don’t have one so, don’t ask me that. Sometimes I want to answer that question but, it’s too vague. Be specific guys. I talk a lot so, that’s not a good question to ask me. It’s like writing a pry school essay. Hi my name is Aku and I am the second child of my father, mazi blah blah. I am also the Ada of the family which means that I am the first girl. As the Ada, I have to learn how to be a good wife as well as a good house keeper. This includes learning how to cook, clean, take care of babies, act like a lady, etc. For these reasons, I am often shouted at when I am around my parents. “Aku it is 7 o’clock and my house is dirty. Your room is not clean enough, your daddy has not eaten and neither has your baby sister. You will also need to chop leaves and co for the soup that you’re going to make. I have not seen you open your books today!” Blah blah blah. See now that is about me. Is this really what you want to hear? I didn’t think so either. So be specific okay? Please this is a vague question that makes girls wonder if you’re razz, stop asking it.

Love,

A

x

What Can You See?

Can you sense the emptiness I feel,

The loneliness that surrounds me,

The forced smiles I give?

I look at you knowing that the emotions you have aren’t real.

 

Can you hear my heart wailing,

The silent sobs that leak out,

The momentary deep breaths that I take?

Knowing that I am just another girl standing in line for you, waiting.

 

Can you see the invisible tears I struggle to hold back,

The crack in my voice,

The tremble in my fingers?

I’m just trying to be strong, not like I have a choice.

 

Can you feel this love that torments me,

The desperacy in my words,

The pensive look in my eyes?

I’ve got that somber feeling that is unrevealing to people.

 

Can you see the hurt in my eyes,

The pain in my soul,

The reluctance in my body?

That’s me trying to stop myself from holding something that I do not own.

Love,

A

x

A Bit Too Dramatic.

Once upon a time…

You held me a bit too close,

Kissed me a bit too intimately,

Loved me a bit too recklessly,

Fucked me a bit too fiercely

It was beginning to seem a bit too perfect.

 

Until you…

Left a bit too soon,

Gave up on me a bit too early,

Hurt me a bit too ruthlessly,

Left a scar a bit too deep,

Put me through a bit too much.

 

And now…

I’m a bit too worried,

That we have grown a bit too far apart,

Wanting you back seems a bit too impossible,

And this is a bit too upsetting.

It’s a pity I fell a bit too hard for you.

 

Love,

A

X

Always wanted to…However.

I’ve always wanted to be close to crying

Get that funny feeling in my mouth

And then stop myself from bursting out

However, I don’t trust myself to hold back the tears

 

I’ve always wanted to run through the hills

Sing at the top of my voice

And understand how it feels

However, I don’t trust myself to come back home

 

I’ve always wanted to let go

Stop trying to hold on

And release myself from every form of attachment

However, I don’t trust myself to deal with the feeling of nostalgia

 

I’ve always wanted to deal with the pain

Harden my heart

And let my feelings gradually go away

However, I don’t trust myself to go back to being human

 

I’ve always wanted to show emotions

Anger, Sadness, Fear, Envy

And Love, Kindness, Hope, Pity

However, I don’t trust myself to be strong again

 

I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship

Forget about every other boy

And stop my heart from being this empty void

However, I don’t trust myself to deal with it all when it’s over

Love,

A

x