With time, you learn how to cry without making a sound
How to force your sclera to go from red to white in a millisecond.
A little less on the outside and a little more within
My mind seems to wander into places I have never been.
There’s really nothing, not even mere chemistry
My lips are curved upwards in a crescent shape.
My soul often pours out with unexplained misery
I want to run but, I cannot escape.
I miss so many things, so many people
It doesn’t make sense, at least not from this angle.
Most of all, I miss the one thing I never had
I miss you, my beautiful sexy lad.
The electric impulses that are fired when we touch
It feels so unreal; I never thought I’d ever experienced such.
The constant churning in my belly when we kiss
If we never become, this is something I’ll definitely miss.
The way my heart skips a few beats when you walk by
I want to reach out and hold you but, I can’t even manage to say “Hi”.
You’re right here but you’re not
It’s like we progress only to regress once more.
Something like a swing, we keep going back and forth
Playing with my emotions? I hope not.
I’m too feeble, too weak to explain
Unsure if I can cope with the pain.
Now and again I go on my knees and pray
That eventually, these superficial feelings will go away.
Hey beautiful people,
I don’t really have much to say today but, somehow, I have the urge to post something on this white blog of mine. Actually, I have a lot to say and that’s the problem. There’s just too many thoughts all jumbled up in my head and, they don’t really make sense right now hence, my inability to write a poem.
I put up a picture that kind of says a bit about what I’m thinking of. It’s a bit silly seeing as I should really be studying but, I’m a girl with feelings (believe it or not) and sometimes, these feelings influence my thoughts. I can’t help it okay? It could have been worse, I could have been thinking of sexual nonsense
I’ll stop now because this is actually about the picture. By the way, the person I’m thinking about really doesn’t have dimples so, feel free to eliminate that word from the poem above.
Why do you like him?
Like the actual fuck?! especially when you don’t know shit about the person. I like him because he’s fine sounds a bit too shallow. I like him because he’s rich is a bit too gold digger-ish. I like him because he’s tall, a bit too foolish. I like him cause he’s so focused and speaks with such elegance + when he looks at me, my whole world pauses for a minute, too old-ish and too deep. I like him because I like him ah ah what’s your business? What will the answer do for you? You, why do you like the person that you like? Kmt! Imagine if the person now doesn’t like you back. You’ll finish giving an Obama-like speech on why you like someone that doesn’t give a fuck about you and then feel stupid afterwards. Please this is an embarrassing question, stop asking it.
Are you okay?
My dear, if I was okay, you wouldn’t have to ask me that. You even know I’ll lie and say “yes I’m okay” so, why are you asking? Even though I say no, what will you do next? Ask me what’s wrong? And then what? Give me some rubbish advice? Or give me a pitiful hug? Nah I don’t do that shit. Also, if I wanted you to know, I would have told you a long time ago. Please this is a question for the aproko’s, stop asking it.
Are you serious?
Oooooh God! Don’t even get me started on this one. If I wasn’t serious, would I have said it? So what if I’m laughing while I’m saying it? “I left high school at 14′ are you serious? No I’m not. That’s why three school years after, I’m 17. “I’m 5ft9” Are you serious? Eh eh I actually have invisible heels on. “I have a baby sister” Aaw are you serious? Nah, she’s really my daughter. Please this is an irrelevant question stop asking it.
OMG is that___(something irrelevant)?
This isn’t very straightforward but I shall give examples. OMG is that an iphone5? You use a 4s isn’t it obvious to you? OMG is this LV? No, I used brown and cream poster color to decorate a random bag. OMG is that the laptop that has beats system? My dear, do you need glasses or, did you just choose to ignore the “beats audio” written on the laptop? OMG is that Tyra banks? You just want me to know you’ve heard about her…just like everyone else eey? OMG is that from primark? ofcourse not, the “A” is for Abercrombie. Please this is an ignorant question, stop asking it
Why did you change your hair?
Don’t even fucking piss me off! “Your afro was a lot nicer you shouldn’t have gotten a weave”…You don’t say this to girls yo! I’ve just done my hair, obviously, I look different and feel somewhat ugly because it’s not what I’m used to then, you come and tell me how my hair isn’t nice?! Cheers for not making me feel insecure. You like the fro? Get yourself an African girlfriend with natural hair. What I do to my hair is independent on what you consider nice/attractive. You’re not my anything. Please this is a question that brings about insecurities, stop asking it.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Yes I do, that’s why I’m out here flirting with you in the middle of the night. I mean, come on mehn! I don’t know about the girls you’ve dated but, people like me remain faithful for the duration of our relationship (that I have never had but, that is not the point). I could never go out on a date with someone else when I have a boyfriend. I don’t even flirt with other boys when I like someone…still feels like cheating even if I’m not sure about how that someone feels about me. You think I’ll dress really nice, do some professional makeup thing on my face just to look nice for someone else when I have my own boo? What kind of girl do you take me for? Please this is almost a stupid question, stop asking it.
Are you cold?
My dear this is England, ofcourse I’m cold. It’s 10pm and I’m outside with a thin excuse of a blazer. I’m trying to look hot and do odeshi for the cold. So you can obviously see me moving around like tadpoles in concentrated sulfuric acid and you’re asking me if I’m cold?! No I just like to shiver…it’s my way of exercising my muscles. Just give me your jacket already so, this can be a romantic scene. Geez some boys just don’t watch enough romantic movies. Even if I said I was cold and you offered me your coat, I shall reject it as a bad gurl. Why not just skip that part and give me the jumper already? Or, put your arms around me? The worst is when I’m shaking like no mans business and my boo decides to offer his jacket to another girl right in front of me. Like don’t actually vex me! I can produce enough heat from my temper to warm up the whole of Europe because of this. Please this is a romantic scene spoiler, stop asking it.
What is your password?
Sigh. The password is there for a reason y’know. What are you even looking for in my phone/ laptop/ everything else? I don’t really understand this question to be honest. It’s like asking someone what their debit card pin is. Are they supposed to happily tell you this? The human mind is very funny tbh. Please this is an intruding question, stop asking it.
Do you know xyz?
I hate it when people look at me like I know everyone on the face of the earth. Okay so, I live in a dead town, schooled in a not so dead town and now I’m in a crazy city but, it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know anybody. Nobody knows me. Don’t ask me about anyone because even if I know them, I will not tell you. Ah. The worst is when you now go and ask someone else if they know me. Then it’s like I was famzing them before. Don’t fade the reps that I do not have. Please this is a reps killer question, stop asking it.
What’s the worst you have done with a boy?
Like the actual blood Of Jesus. Please of what concern is this to you? Do you want to marry me? Is it in your culture to investigate my “doings” with boys in the past? Are you my anything? No, no, no and no. Then, why do you want to know? As if I’m supposed to say I have jumped a guy before and feel like a boss. The worst thing about this question is that I really don’t have an answer for it. I mean I do but, it’s boring. The worst thing? Uh oh this is very interesting and sexual. Infact, it’s rated R. I kissed a boy for the first time when I was three weeks less than 17 and the second time was an accident -_-. Even the crickets would stop making noise when they hear this statement. Please this is a personal question, stop asking it.
Tell me about yourself.
This isn’t a question but, some Nigerian boys have forced it to become one “so, tell me about yourself?” Ma guy please don’t make me get temperamental. What about myself? My name? Age? Best food? The languages I can speak? The names of my friends? The names of my lovers? How old I was when I first spoke? My hobbies? What I hate? My type? What I consider funny? How many dogs I have? Their names? Their breed? If I prefer fanta to coke? How many times I’ve been through the root canal procedure? Do I like dentists? The number of times I chopped cane as a child + teenager? Am I scared of the dark? Do I even have a phobia? The story of how I was left handed before? The story of how I almost killed myself? There’s so much to say y’know but guess what? It’s not your business. If I wanted to tell people about myself, I would have written an autobiography but, I don’t have one so, don’t ask me that. Sometimes I want to answer that question but, it’s too vague. Be specific guys. I talk a lot so, that’s not a good question to ask me. It’s like writing a pry school essay. Hi my name is Aku and I am the second child of my father, mazi blah blah. I am also the Ada of the family which means that I am the first girl. As the Ada, I have to learn how to be a good wife as well as a good house keeper. This includes learning how to cook, clean, take care of babies, act like a lady, etc. For these reasons, I am often shouted at when I am around my parents. “Aku it is 7 o’clock and my house is dirty. Your room is not clean enough, your daddy has not eaten and neither has your baby sister. You will also need to chop leaves and co for the soup that you’re going to make. I have not seen you open your books today!” Blah blah blah. See now that is about me. Is this really what you want to hear? I didn’t think so either. So be specific okay? Please this is a vague question that makes girls wonder if you’re razz, stop asking it.
Can you sense the emptiness I feel,
The loneliness that surrounds me,
The forced smiles I give?
I look at you knowing that the emotions you have aren’t real.
Can you hear my heart wailing,
The silent sobs that leak out,
The momentary deep breaths that I take?
Knowing that I am just another girl standing in line for you, waiting.
Can you see the invisible tears I struggle to hold back,
The crack in my voice,
The tremble in my fingers?
I’m just trying to be strong, not like I have a choice.
Can you feel this love that torments me,
The desperacy in my words,
The pensive look in my eyes?
I’ve got that somber feeling that is unrevealing to people.
Can you see the hurt in my eyes,
The pain in my soul,
The reluctance in my body?
That’s me trying to stop myself from holding something that I do not own.
Once upon a time…
You held me a bit too close,
Kissed me a bit too intimately,
Loved me a bit too recklessly,
Fucked me a bit too fiercely
It was beginning to seem a bit too perfect.
Left a bit too soon,
Gave up on me a bit too early,
Hurt me a bit too ruthlessly,
Left a scar a bit too deep,
Put me through a bit too much.
I’m a bit too worried,
That we have grown a bit too far apart,
Wanting you back seems a bit too impossible,
And this is a bit too upsetting.
It’s a pity I fell a bit too hard for you.
I’m a bit frustrated so, this might not make a lot of sense hence, my very queer title. These past few weeks have got me thinking about love. Well, I think that’s what they call it. To be honest, I’d rather refer to it as lust or infatuation. So, what drove me to think of such rubbish at my young and tender age? What exactly was it about love that I was constantly thinking about? Of what concern is this to you? Why are you reading my blog and not your textbook? I don’t know actually but, keep reading if you wish.
I happen to be a hopeless romantic. I also happen to be literally hopeless in the romantic side of life. I can’t even begin to explain why I wrote my previous statement but, it’s a fact. I don’t blame anyone however. If I was a boy, I probably wouldn’t fancy me. Ey don’t give me none of that ‘don’t be so insecure about yourself…you’re beautiful too…someone will want you’ keep your prep talk for your children. I know I’m beautiful…like Beyonce has competition yo. This has naught to do with my insecurities (even though I have stupidly decided to name my blog my INSECURITIES and co). I am not here to talk about my insecurities. I’m here to rant. Yes! I think that’s exactly what I’m about to do. My heart’s beating faster. Adrenaline is being secreted. My pupils are dilating. I think I’m a bit temperamental now. I’m not quite sure why.
I went a little off point there. So, as I was saying, I happen to be a hopeless romantic. It might be because I have chosen to bombard myself with romantic movies/novels and blindly believe in them. I’ve grown to want this fake movie love. I’ll always imagine myself with the best possible man in the world. Breakfast in Dubai, lunch in a private jet, dinner in china (now that’s my Igbo side speaking). Also, I’d imagine myself and Mr Romantic taking long, slow walks on the beach, sitting on the rooftop till sunrise, talking across the table while we eat my not so perfect meal, sleeping together. No sex, no immoral activities, just sleeping and clinging on to the love of my life. I just wanted a simple sort of romance y’know. So, I had to be so uptight and non-cooperative with the boys that I knew wouldn’t make my fantasies a reality. Unfortunately, this happened to be all the boys that have ever fancied me. Well, all the boys that had the courage to make their feelings known to me. So, I really couldn’t have anything to do with them in terms of relationships. I might seem like quite the picky type but, it’s far from that.
Somehow, we’re talking about relationships. Relationships? I’m not about that life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go round giving boys ‘free chops’ either. I think relationships are a big commitment. I hate to claim people as my best friend(s) (I do have a best friend though). I hate constantly talking to the same set of people. I hate being close to people. I hate saying ‘I love you’. I hate the idea of having to do the same kind of job for the rest of my life. They all require commitment and attachment hence, why I’m not a big fan of relationships.
So, why do people rush into it? It’s supposed to have meaning. It’s supposed to symbolize love rather than a source of adventure. It’s supposed to be real. I could never understand why people went out back in high school. It was one of the biggest mysteries ever. Like why? What was the point? Was it the thrill of kissing in PE class and not getting caught? Or going behind the hall to press breast and touch the D? All those things seemed disgusting to me back then. I was 14 when I left high school so, maybe that’s why. Then again, three years after, I still think all those things are disgusting. Then sometimes, I get people asking me what the worst thing I’ve done is. Like I’m supposed to say ‘ oh I jumped a stranger the last time I went clubbing’ and feel like a boss. One word, Disgusting. I used to be the ice cold beesh just cause I turned everyone down. My friend Mr Lolosky described me as a new car once. I didn’t quite understand the similarity at the point but, it sounded nice.
But, things have changed. I was locked up in an all-girls school for two years and then released into a world full of beautiful boys. The worst thing ever. Don’t ever send your children to single sex schools. I was let off my leach and dumped in the middle of a sea full of fishes. Arab fishes, Nigerian fishes, mixed fishes even. Hmmm yummy yummy yummy is all I could think of. So, I let loose. No, I did not convert my vagina into McDonalds’ toilet. I thought I should get rid of my fantasies altogether. None of that cute pure love rubbish. None of that I’ll have my first kiss with someone that was crazy about me nonsense. None of that I will wait bullshit either. I thought I’d just act on impulse and ‘see what happens after’. That’s what everyone has been telling me lately. ‘Just see what happens’ we all know what’ll happen so, why will you keep me waiting.
Anyway, let’s forget everything I said before this paragraph. Today I did something that I said I’ll never do. I allowed my tear ducts do what they’ve always wanted to do. I hate to cry because so many people including myself think I’m some weakling and I have to try and act all tough so, I can prove to others that I’m not the average weak girl. Also because I’ve been through so much in my life and crying never actually helped me in anyway so, I said I’ll never do it again. But, it’s so hard to not cry when everything is going wrong. I know I should pray when my life seems impossible but, that’ll make me cry even more. So, I try not to think about it or just laugh about it or sleep.
Today however, I can’t do any of those things because I’m tired. I’m tired of being the strong girl. Tired of acting all badass for no good reason. Tired of making emotions such a taboo. Just tired of everything. I was still keeping my tears back until I heard ‘vespers goodbye’ by Nick Jonas. His voice always brings me to the brink of tears it’s so unreal. So, why did I cry? Why did my tear glands disappoint me today? I don’t know. Lately, “I dunno” seems to be the only answer I can manage to give for every question I’ve been asked. I’m being evasive, trying to avoid every kind of emotional conversation/encounter. I am just tired and weak and demoralized and I dunno. I’m confused and it sucks. I’m in a place where I shouldn’t be. I’m not moving forward in life and no one understands. I don’t want to be here but, I have to. I have to force myself to bed every night and wake up every morning trying to convince myself that I’m good enough and I’ll make it through. Someone once told me that self-deceit is the worst kind ever. I’ve never been so insecure about everything before in my life. I can’t anymore.
To top it all up, my amygdala has decided to fancy someone I can’t have. I should be so focused and I like a boy. Wtf is that about? Sometimes I wish I had no emotions. Things like this just irritate me. A few weeks ago, it was so perfect. I was like “omg he…then, I…and then, we..and he said…teehee we might actually…”I felt like I had taken a step forward but, today, I think I made a mistake. I happen to be more than a million miles away from having what I want with said person. Then there are the other boys that need to get off my case.
Ugh ugh ugh. I cannot begin to describe the intensity of stupidity that I feel right now. I was to scream and cry and eat ice-cream + cake all at the same time but I can’t. I’ll lose my amazing voice if I scream. I’ll feel weak if I cried (again) and I’ll get fatter if I ate ice cream + cake. Life really isn’t fair. I should stop now before I say too much. This is a blog not my autobiography right? I just thought that maybe if I wasn’t so uptight you might actually….
The point of all this gibberish is that…there is no point. The thing is, it’s my birthday in three days and, frustration is beginning to set it. I’m usually always so angry on my birthday. Something bad always happens.
It all started in year 7 when two wonderful seniors decided to throw glass plates at themselves in the dining hall. It was a massive fight…too live. However, this got my housemistress pissed so, she said I couldn’t celebrate my birthday anymore. There I was, this little poor year 7 child. I had just turned 10..the big two-digit age and I wasn’t given the opportunity to share my joy.
People tried so hard to make me happy ugh…people. They helped me share my cake and all the orishi rishi that I had. Obviously, I faked a lovely smile for all the very kind seniors. Acted like I didn’t know they were doing eye service for me so, they can devour my food later on. I was skinny at the time so, food wasn’t particularly something that I loved.
Anyway, I went back to my bed and almost cried. I never cry but, if I was the crying type, that would have been the perfect moment to bathe my flat pillow with my salty solution of lysosomes. One of the reasons I hate birthdays. Blah everyone’s always like ‘you have to be excited’. Excited about what though? I’m going to be 22 (ID age)…I’m getting old. Eventually, I’ll be old and boring and probably still very single. *sigh*
I’ve always wanted to be close to crying
Get that funny feeling in my mouth
And then stop myself from bursting out
However, I don’t trust myself to hold back the tears
I’ve always wanted to run through the hills
Sing at the top of my voice
And understand how it feels
However, I don’t trust myself to come back home
I’ve always wanted to let go
Stop trying to hold on
And release myself from every form of attachment
However, I don’t trust myself to deal with the feeling of nostalgia
I’ve always wanted to deal with the pain
Harden my heart
And let my feelings gradually go away
However, I don’t trust myself to go back to being human
I’ve always wanted to show emotions
Anger, Sadness, Fear, Envy
And Love, Kindness, Hope, Pity
However, I don’t trust myself to be strong again
I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship
Forget about every other boy
And stop my heart from being this empty void
However, I don’t trust myself to deal with it all when it’s over