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Hey lovies,

Yes it’s another one of my make believe conversations with my imaginary fans. I joke I joke. I don’t believe in fans tbh I mean, nah that’s ridiculous. If you’re a frequent viewer and you like/love (this is me pushing it) the way I write then, I’m guessing you’re the one I’m having this conversation with.

Whoop so I’ve gone passed my not so sensible introduction and at this point I’m still thinking about what this post is supposed to eventually contain. Do I want to talk about morals? About lessons learnt? About emotions that can’t be overcome? About turning a year older? Ahhhhh guess what? ***drumroll***  YESSSS you guessed right young lady!

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY ‘BOUT A WEEK AGO WEEK AGO
TRUTH BE TOLD I THINK IM GETTING OLD GETTING OLD

Oh yes yes, I’m the one turning a year older. How old am I? Woah you lot obviously haven’t heard about privacy yet but I’ll answer that because you’re all so amazing. I’m 21…for the third time in a row #21again #wemove #turndownforyourtuitionfees. 🙅🙅🙅

A few months ago, I had a weird conversation with one of the most amazing people in my life. It was their birthday but regardless, they seemed a bit odd and unhappy. Oh oh 🙇. Since I’m such an oversabbi, I had to ask why anyone would be remotely miserable on the day that everyone has no choice but to notice them. The reply I got was not only far from our regular banter but also shockingly insightful. It sounded something like ‘I feel like I haven’t grown in the past year of my life and it’s upsetting’ woah…let that sink in hunny.

It just made me think about life and how our ideologies on so many basic things have changed. In primary school, birthdays were about having your picture taken, giving special party packs to your ride or dies and sharing cake to your friends while making the people who hated you jealous. In secondary school, it was pretty much the same thing only you got beaten up by your so called ride or dies. Annoying but, fun all the same. So that was primary school and high school but we really switched it up in college. These were the days where we expected…oh sorry…demanded our parents to give us extra money (for turnup) because obviously turning a year older was hardwork that we deserved to be rewarded for. Woah look how far we’ve all really come.

In university, everything changes. It’s a different bubble. There are no fences to cage us in. No boundaries. No safe zones. Just a bunch of underaged adults trying to sound, act and think smart. Somehow in between trying to think smart and juggling our social lives with academics and the real world, we become smart. We begin to see people. I mean, really see people through their actions and intentions. We begin to reflect. Begin to rethink our past beliefs on life. Rediscover new sides to take. We realize that there is no right or wrong, good or bad, black or white. We become smart and go from looking at other people’s lives judgmentally to looking at our lives and evaluating our own progress. And this is what I believe this friend of mine meant by growing as a person. It has nothing to do with physically bulking up or increasing in length (or inches..) but rather, progressing through life. Developing your character, maturing as the days go by, focusing on the right things and definitely knowing your priorities…growing as an individual.

So, it was my birthday and I wasn’t thinking about having my eyebrows on fleek for the night or how many people I wasn’t giving my number out to or how many bottles I planned on popping with money that I do not have. I was thinking about me. The person behind my distinctive afro, extremely awkward body and pretty average face. I’m thinking about how…people fall in love in mysterious ways. Okay I apologize for that excuse of a joke…that song has been on my mind from time.

Okay back to being semi serious, it’s been a year…and a ‘week ago week ago’ since my last birthday (obviously) and for a moment, I thought at this point  I’ll be miserable because despite popular beliefs, I almost always feel like in my life, there is no form of progression. It really only takes one downfall to mess up the way you look at yourself. Well regardless I was pretty excited. Excited to spend time with my amazing group of friends and excited because for the first time in a long time, I looked back at my journey through life so far and thought, wow you go girl! From academics to social life to life in general, I’ve managed to gain so much insight on reality as a whole. Managed to not just look at my mishaps and sulk but think about what it taught me and allow my lessons to influence my character.

This past year has actually allowed me to learn thing that have helped me deal with life in general like…

I’ve learned to see people in the way I see poetry; beautiful and complex, Interesting yet incomplete, abstract but yet with so much hidden meaning behind the way that they act, speak, dress and interact with members of the opposite sex. Prior to this moment, I used to think of what people have done and get angry or get happy but now I have no emotions towards people’s actions anymore..I’m just intrigued.

I’ve learned to be expressive. I laugh, I smirk, I cry, I frown, I ‘yimu’. I have found a way to create a mental library of like a hundred million facial expressions…I mean, who knew facial muscles were so versatile?

I’ve learned that God is all you need in this life of sin. Now you would think I’m a strongly rooted, church twice a week, pray 3 times a day, read my bible everyday type of person after reading that statement. Unfortunately, I’m not yet that spiritual. I try my hardest to go to church every Sunday and it’s just always beautiful to explore the bible and realize how much God loves us as well as uncover every promise that God has made to his children. I hope to be spiritual one day because each time I picture my marriage, I see my feet, as well as the feet of the man God has destined to be mine deeply rooted in the word of God.

I’ve learned that matters of the heart are never ever going to be straightforward. You might always want more or think you deserve less but at the end of the day, you have what you get and it’s really up to you to make it work. There are no maybe’s or if I had met you’s it’s just what it is.

Friends are absolutely everything guys. I don’t even know how to give this point a befitting explanation but there are times when I feel like nothing is going right and I just want to stay in bed with my duvet over my head, lights turned off and Adele in the background but people will make it their business to drag me out from underneath the covers and into the light. These people are always 100% there for me and I’ve never been so grateful.

I’ve grown to love love love my course guys. This is weird because I’ve hated school for the past four years but at this point in my life, I’m not half as confused in lectures (when I eventually attend), I’m starting to apply for summer internships involving research work even though I used to hate labs, I have a job! Like I’m so overwhelmed at this point in my life because last year I thought yeah I’ll just live off my pocket money. Well it’s hard to be so dependent now seeing as I only receive a quarter of what I would usually get…talk about recession. Also, finally finally finally…I know I’ve said this a million times but I genuinely believe I want to be a doctor. I mean what’s the point of studying medical biochemistry if the end point isn’t medical school? Okay that’s not a good enough reason to put on my personal statement but atleast I have an idea about what the next stage of my life may look like.

That’s all for now ladies and gentlemen

Love,

A

x

Hey lovies,

For a long time I’ve carried hate in my heart. Hate for one of the closest people to me. You all must be thinking “wow hate? But you’re such a loving and forgiving soul”. Oh stop it guys, you really do flatter me ever so often. Anyway, I would stop myself from listening to music because I didn’t want it to remind me of anyone or any past experiences in the future. I thought ‘it’ was temporary hence, no memories. No remorse. Nothing.

This evil that I harbored within me was heavy. I was fond of remembering things and getting angry about it over and over again. Sometimes even in chronological order because my memory is just that good. It felt energy consuming and often, pointless but I had to hold on to my hate. I had to keep recollecting because if I didn’t…if I didn’t have anything negative to hold on to, I just might let myself feel happy and happiness is temporary right?. Happiness is always the interval between one depressing moment and another. The vacation you get between reoccurring sadness. I couldn’t let it go. It was too much. There was always this miserable day and that heartbreaking day. I would remember this moment and that moment. It was at this place and also that other place. You said these hurtful words and a few of those callous words. I couldn’t forget. Because if I forget. If I decided maybe to forget, I couldn’t use it in my defense again. If I forgot I might forgive and forgiveness too was temporary. The thing you do right before you realize the past still stirs up the same negative emotion. I would have to shut my mouth about the things that hurt me the most. My voice would not be heard and neither would the sound of my cries. I couldn’t forgive but, forgiveness was key and I needed to unbolt certain locks so I could be set free. 

I couldn’t forgive just as much as I couldn’t pass my igcse’s or leave my country at 14 for college. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t move on from my “was I blind’s” and my “I should have known better’s”. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t get into university or allow myself to feel emotions. I couldn’t forgive as much as I couldn’t breathe but each second I doubted my next breath, my chest will rise once more and my lungs will fill with air. I could do whatever I wanted to because Philippians 4:13 said to me, even though you think it’s impossible baby girl, you can forgive. 

On my road to redemption, I would sit through hours and hours of videos on YouTube about forgiveness. People would say they forgave someone who slapped me and I’ll scream ‘my situation was worse’ in my head; each time giving myself reason to continually accommodate the hate within me. After screaming back at my laptop, I would shamefully curl up in a ball and cry to my Maker for help. Only the grace of God can touch your heart, enlighten you and encourage one to want to forgive. I have come to realize that now.

Do I still do it? Do I still remember and feel negativity? Pretty much but, not really. If past memories come to my mind, I feel sad for a bit, shake my head and move on. I can’t stop my mind from drifting. Can’t stop things from reminding me of the evil I’ve gone through. However, I can always and forever change my reaction. 

In time, you realize that emotions change people; both good and bad. “It’s either love or hate” they say. In reality however, there is no black or white…no either or. There’s just grey and we get to decide what shade of grey makes us happy. I’ve chosen to have more love in my mixture than hate in my mixture and I honestly don’t remember the last time I was this happy. It’s a beautiful thing when you let yourself love because yes, you feel like you’ve found your forever and a day beyond. At the same time, it teaches you a lot of life lessons; patience, empathy, acceptance, selflessness, endurance…too many to mention really but it also teaches about forgiveness. It only took forgiveness to convert my worst enemy to my bestfriend and I’m overjoyed. 

The song above is just…I don’t have words for it. If however, I was blessed with a beautiful voice and the gift of song/lyrics writing, I would most likely put down those exact words and sing them like my life depended on it. Usually, a lot of the songs I fall in love with are songs that have one or two lines in them which reminds me of me or, someone else or, me and someone else. Y’know. Now it’s not just one or two lines it’s literally the whole song and I could just cry now. My best part as usual is the chorus especially ‘I’ve tried to numb the pain’.

From now till wherever God leads us

Love,

A&S

X