The Plan.

The plan was to leave for a day
Flee from my sorrow
It didn’t quite work that way
Because I’m here eagerly awaiting tomorrow
I’d say I miss you but, I don’t
I want to tell you how it is
But, my words always stay stuck in my throat
An hour away
And I still can’t keep my thoughts of you at bay
A few kilometers apart
And I am unable to drown my misery in a pack of jammy tarts
I’m looking through my phone book for your number
I would call but, what I want to say to you…I fail to remember
There’s good music playing
Beautiful boys overflowing
However, all of these matter not
Because there is only one man
and after him, I sought



Just Like The Rain, I Have Been.

It’s been raining every second, every hour, every day
Wet, miserable and gloomy all year
Just like the rain, I have been
My map to the land of happiness, I have scrapped and thrown in the bin
I was only ever cheerful in my dreams
The storm is almost over, so it always seems
I knew deep down that this was a reality and I didn’t give a damn
I had to adapt to this so, yesterday in the flood, I swam
Just like the rain, I have been
I am aware that my misery truly comes from within
I feel alone, odd, isolated
For the past few years, I’ve been nothing but underrated
Today however, for the first time in a decade
There’s a small patch of light at the end of my formerly dark passage
A part of me wants to scream out and celebrate my joy
And the other half just wants to sit in the dark reminiscing over perfect little Roy
But you know what they say
‘Make hay while the sun shines’
Or in my case,
‘Cultivate any form of vegetation for as long as the dim illumination at the end of this dark passage decides to go out and diminish any form of hope that you ever had leading to nothing but bastardisation’
The rain might represent my life right now
But now doesn’t last till forever and that’s what this poem is about
Eventually, the sun will come out
So instead of wallowing in the rain all because of one man
I’ll anticipate the sun so, in it I can tan
Just like the rain, I have been
But I have to be strong because I know this battle won’t end until I win.


The Exception.

I’ll never say those words to anyone
Never ever
Without a heart, I was born
It was believed that I couldn’t care
I’d signal for the boys to come over
But, they wouldn’t dare
It took me years
And the moment was finally here
Swept me off my feet
Disintegrated the walls which encompassed my semi-damaged emotion centre
He came, he saw
And not only did he conquer
But he made me too a conquerer
I’ll never say those words to anyone
My weak self proclaimed
However I am certain that I have changed
I’ll never say those words to anyone
Unless that anyone becomes someone that my heart sought after
‘I love you’
I blurted out without thinking
‘but how?’ He unassertively asked
‘I love you like the trees love the sun rays. Towards you, I would like to grow and mature. Positive phototropism, I think it’s called’
‘I love you like the spring rocks love….’
And then I realized
‘Never say those words to anyone’ was the rule
I guess I’ve found myself the exception


My Running Away Experience.

Last night, I ran away
Slipped out from next to him
and decided I couldn’t stay

My heart was beginning to die
Beginning to decay
So I had to flee
I couldn’t wait till May

I’m out here roaming these streets
Confused about where to go
However, I cannot retreat
I hate to admit it but I feel incomplete

There’s a deserted alley
Quiet, dark but, very dirty
I’m cold, I’m hungry
In a state of dismay and thirsty

Three thirty Aunty meridian
Two more hours until it’s bright
I need to force myself to sleep
I need to let go of this fight

One last hour left and I’m wide awake
Restless because of the absence of the usual playlist
A few of the songs that I really miss
Reminds me of the first time we kissed

One night without a list of the familiar songs
Seemed nothing but fervently wrong
I’ve been fooling myself all along
It’s obvious that beside you is where I belong

Running away seemed legit
But it’s been two hours
And I believe that I can’t make it
I long to return, if you so permit


Love St.

I’ve stumbled across the streets of love

Confused, dumbfounded, totally taken aback

How did I get here?

Where do I turn to?

Wish I could just disappear


As I walk the path of love, I fail to comprehend

Why this lonely lane never ends

I don’t know what to do or how to act

I know love changes people

And brings about queer decisions


As I parade this route of love

I know I should turn around and leave

But if I never experience this now,

I might never get the chance to


I’ve come face to face with the streets of love

And I only hope that for once, we happen to be on the same path

I’m never sure about matters of the heart

So, I always have one foot in and one foot out

I’m not sure how this new phenomenon came about


With two feet in, I roam the love track

Frantically searching for my other half

The part of you I thought I saw

That’s the part of you

That I want to be true


I’m prowling this deserted passage of love a little further

But you’re nowhere to be found

I’m getting worried and my heart’s beating a lot faster

If you happen to perambulate these same streets

Give me a ring…if you still have my number


I’m casually but carefully strolling through this terrace called ‘love’

There’s music playing in the background

A few of them unknown, a few of them renowned

They’re all slow and full of meaning

Reminds me of the other night

A few hours before I wandered into these peculiar streets


I have set foot into the street of love and I feel alienated

I feel naked but far from exploited

I want to try this, I want to be committed

I might not win the position but at least, I’ve been nominated


I’ve discovered the love avenue

And ‘I swear by the moon and the stars and the skies’

That ‘I’ll come and I’ll give without taking’

I don’t want us to be ‘two hearts living in two separate worlds’


While I meander through this boulevard of love

I have become selfless, careless, restless, directionless

Everything but, fearless

But I came here for a reason

So, I guess this is the time, the exact season


I’m almost at the end of this love street

I know now that I can no longer retreat

I’ve put myself out there; it’s no more a secret

I pray that just maybe, you could be waiting for me at the end of this path





They Don’t Understand.

The walls are echoing and everybody’s asking. What do you see in him? Why would you stoop so low? But they don’t understand. They fail to reason. Fail to think. Fail to ridicule such mystery that the world has presented before us. They don’t know that beneath our elastic germ ridden skin, tough contracting muscles and through calcium filled bones as strong as concrete lies something that science cannot explain. Something that psychologists may refer to as ‘the subconscious’. Something that Christians call ‘the soul’. Beneath the physical form and all of what society considers attractive lies something greater. They don’t understand. From the beginning of the world, my world, I was pushed into thinking that people were created to be judged by others based on their outer appearance. The way they talked, walked, dressed. Everything else was more than unnecessary. Character was not taken into consideration. I was pushed to be a part of the society and that’s what I grew up to become. One of them. But they don’t understand that the meanest demons are transported to earth and covered up with muscles so firm, a face so well structured, lips as soft as petals, eyes so evil yet, unbelievably attractive. They don’t understand. In the past I’ve been hurt and tormented and betrayed by the physically beautiful but spiritually repugnant beings. Everyone yearns for a flamboyant partner just so the world can see. So they can show off. But life isn’t so and they don’t understand.

They don’t understand that beyond what they consider ugly lies a beautiful soul waiting its equal to nurture it, protect it, encourage it to shine so bright. It’s something so fragile. Something that needs attention but, they don’t understand. What do you see in him? You’re too pretty for such. Pretty? What exactly is pretty? I live in a world where the meanings of words are dynamic depending on the context, the situation, the user. So please remind me once more what it means to be ’too pretty’ for someone. Because I believe in beauty and I’m not talking about the simple artistic display which we all refer to as faces in this day. I’m not talking about the way said person walks or runs or flies. I’m talking about character; the only real way to differentiate between the mindless zombies that roam the earth(humans). I’m talking about tone; the amplitude which he chooses to speak in and the softness of his carefully selected words. I’m talking about compassion; sympathizing with others and making sure everyone else is comfortable. I’m talking about aura; the way he moves, his well calculated steps all in attempt to avoid bumping into people. I’m talking about the curve on ones’ lips; I believe the English word is ‘smile’. Somehow, the spirit has deciphered a way to communicate with the outside world without having to speak; the warmth that radiates from just one smile; the good intentions, the will to make others happy. I’m talking about the simple things but, they don’t understand because all the attention is fixated on ones’ outward appearance.

I’ve found beauty in the midst of all the ugliness but, they refuse to understand. Can you not see that beauty only evades the real beast in people? ‘The beautiful beast in me’ a confused girl once said. I failed to comprehend at the time but, now I do. Regardless of how one may look, I’m ready to give it a chance. I’m ready to discover the beauty that lies within this abandoned old book. What happened to ‘Never judge a book by its cover’? What happened to ‘dare to be different’? What happened to humanity? What happened to us? What happened to ‘Vanity upon vanities, all is vanity’? I’m beginning to quote bible verses and they don’t understand why because they’ve become duplicates of the society that I fear. The society that I am constantly fleeing from. The society which sets rules and standards that even its members cannot achieve. They have become a part of the society that will never understand.

They don’t understand why I hold hands with social rejects or choose to converse with facially impaired people. They don’t understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but character stands as a universal indicator. They don’t understand that our physical form will eventually fade and then, we’ll have nothing to display except our humanity. I’m sat in my own little corner being bombarded with questions. Tormented by the choices I’ve made. Judged based on my decision to look beyond the physical. I’m beginning to question myself too. ‘He’s nothing but different’ different different different different . What do you see in him? What do I see in him? Don’t you mean what do I see ON him? His nose? lips? eyes? teeth? Is he attractive? Then everywhere goes silent. The silence darkens my vision and my line of thoughts. For some reason, I love him. They don’t understand this phenomenon and neither do I.




One Last Hurtful Memory.

Soft and tender…his lips were
As he gently placed them on mine
Started off as an innocent peck but, built up into something more intense
He leaned in slowly
Passionately, full of affection
Time for some lip action
His were contracting
As though being set for a pout
Then they opened up
And he moved closer
I suppose I should have done the same
About to set my lips in the pouting position and I was in for a shock
There was a little projection in my mouth
It consumed me
Frantically and purposefully searching for love in my dorsal-cavity
I felt something odd, a bittersweet feeling
Before now, I had considered saliva the number 1 most disgusting human fluid ever
And now there was a slimy tongue in my mouth
Regardless, I loved it…
I loved him
I returned the favor
My tongue shyly reached into his mouth
Searching for passion
Searching for emotion
What it was that I felt for this young gentleman
Then our tongues met
As though two lovers separated for a decade were reunited
It was perplexing but, desirable
Stimulating and that was understandable
I wanted to reach out for him
Grab his jet black permed hair
Entangle my legs around his robust figure
Take a gasp of air
Arch my back inwards in attempt to increase surface contact
I had seen it in the movies
But we were standing
And there was a taxi driver grumpily waiting
It was over in a few minutes
I had done it, now to set a new limit
My body was full of sensation
My lips tingled
My body was trembling, I wondered if he could feel the involuntary vibrations
I pulled away and slid into the back seat
Gave a shy smile to my lover as he began to retreat
He turned away and set off
My eyes stayed fixated on his alluring frame
One last look at the one that I yearn for
One last taste of him
One last first kiss
One last hurtful memory


For Your Own Good.

But alas, I feel terrible as I cannot return
All that he has given to me
The adventure and the fun
Because my heart fails to love
And my soul is afraid to get involved
To someone that’s ever so perfect
Someone no normal girl would reject
I’m grateful to God for sending me one that I do not deserve
But, I’ll never be good enough for him
Not now, not ever
Run away young one
Flee from the evil in me that captivates you
Reject the temptation
Say no to the sexual stimulation
Eventually, I’d break your heart and move on to the other
The broken pieces of your heart will you alone gather
Then you’d hate me forever
Run away from me, I plea
Up the hills and across the red sea
Go far away, beyond my radar
Up so high, I wouldn’t be able to reach you with a ladder
Only ’cause for you, I care
I must admit, this is very rare
However if you fail to escape from my captivity
Be sure to get over me and your anxiety
Before I get bored of what we have become
For your own good, abscond


I Remember The Day You Left.

I remember the day you left
The day that my world went pitch black
And all the familiar sounds around me suddenly disappeared

I remember the day you left
My misery and all that I felt
Heartbreak, Resentment, I felt like a reject

I remember the day you left
The way that my thoughts were fixated on nothing but you
The manner in which confusion overcame me

I remember the day you left
How my tear glands failed to stop producing tears
And my nostrils thought it acceptable to allow mucus ooze out

I remember the day you left
The crack in my voice and the hate in my heart
My trail of thoughts and the nail I felt piercing though my soul

I remember the day you left
The couples that surrounded me
The joy and laughter emanating from people which I failed to feel

I remember the day you left
The lonely, depressing and endless nights
The ice cold emotionless bed on which I laid on

I remember the day you left
The thunderous sound which echoed when my life fell apart
The minuscule pieces of my heart that I could no longer put together

I remember the day you left
The speed at which the pages of my diary were filled up

with words that couldn’t possible describe what was happening to me
My talent in poetry which I never realized was there

I remember the day you left
The rising of the sun and the going down of my self-esteem
Me lying in bed hoping that this was all a dream

I remember the day you left
The day that the walls came crashing in
And everything came tumbling down on poor old me

I remember the day you left
The hateful words which you uttered
The manner in which you stormed out

I remember the day you left
And each time I do, I feel unbearable agony
I can’t do this, I can’t bear the pain

I remembered the day that you left
The day that you walked out and slammed the doors on my happiness
I remembered my sorrows one last time
And with every ounce of strength in me, I pulled the trigger
Dived into the waters
I hope I look beautiful floating on this peaceful river
I thought of it all and decided I needed everlasting rest
If the news about my passing ever gets to you
I hope you’d be happy that my last memory ever was when you left…me




I Miss You.


I miss the familiar scent on the other half of my bed
The pile of clothes that lay around my room which didn’t belong to me
The way we promised ourselves from now till forever
The long, pointless walks in the park
The feeling of protection that overcomes me when you pull me close
Your strong masculinity against my frail body
The taste of your lips
The sensation of your arms on me
The gentle words that you whispered in my ear at night
The movie nights and breakfast mornings
Sneaking in and out of each others beds
The adventure
The feeling of togetherness
The sense of belonging
Telling the world about you
Making them know that we were the best and sensing jealousy
The long phone calls and pointless conversations about everything and nothing
The random smiles and unexpected kisses
The stare, your stare
The joy that accompanied your presence
Your mortality
Your human flesh
Your spirit and soul which I connected to
I miss missing you but always knowing that I’ll see you soon enough
I want you to know that I missed you when you left
And now I miss you a lot more
But I know you’re in a better place
Away from the earth, its terrors and all