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Pain.

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To most people, pain is…
The thing you feel when the one you want is off the market
When you can’t cling to him
When he tells you it’s over
When you hear he’s with another
Knowing that you need to let go
Realizing that you’re chasing after someone who’s on a quest for another
When you’re saying goodbye to someone you want to spend forever with
That funny feeling you get before your eyes transform into a waterfall
The sting in your mouth at the dentists
The ice cold sensation that goes through ones’ body when they’re diagnosed with an incurable disease
The silence that accompanies the loss of someone dear to you
Knowing that that will be your first and last kiss
The constant pounding sensation in your head when you bump it against someone
For me however, pain is not being able to feel pain
Having to mask it up
Lying about how I feel
Sweeping my emotions underneath the front door mat
Pain is the smile across my face when I’m going through the toughest times
Pain is the crinkled skin around my eyes when I laugh out loud
Pain is wanting to feel pain but only avoiding it
Pain is not being able to talk about how I really feel
Pain is only being able to speak about feelings on pen and paper

Love,
A
X

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I swear I Won’t Cry.

cry

The tears puddle up in both my eyes

A blink away from dropping

But I can’t let that happen

I can’t let them see it

I can’t let them know

That the joy in me was all a big show

So I’m shutting my eyes a bit tighter

C’mon baby girl, you’ve always been quite the fighter

I is strong

I may be unwanted, mistreated, unappreciated, hated, tormented,

But I is strong

And that’s all that I have

All that I need to hold back the condensed form of depression momentarily pricking my eyes

Blurring my vision

Influencing my thoughts

Doubting my ability to stay focused

But they’ve got the wrong girl

The wrong girl is who they have got

I will not be like the others

Lock myself up and cry my life away

They fool themselves thinking that crying takes away the pain

Makes you feel better

I’ve been fooled once but, never again

Hold on young one, you’re going to make it through yet another day

I Swear I Won’t Cry

So, I’m still shutting my eyes tightly

Forcing my thoughts to become happy ones

Forcing my breathing to become normal and my jaw to stop vibrating

I’m forcing it all

Holding back the pain, hurt, misery, depression

Holding back the temptation to entertain my desolate and bereft feeling

Holding back my tears

Because if I don’t…

If I don’t fight as hard as I do

I might let a teardrop fall

And then another

And then a few more

Only a matter of seconds until my eyes mimic the nature of a waterfall

A matter of seconds until the tears come flooding out

Never ending and ever pouring

It’s the buildup of misery over the past years

Misery I hadn’t let anyone else see

Misery I had locked up in an old chest and thrown away the key

The misery behind my influential smile and contagious laugh

Like pure water flows out of the spring rocks

So will my tears flow

Unwanted and unstoppable they will be

Full of all the negative emotions they will be

Embarrassing they will be

Despite the fact that I am hiding behind closed doors

And not a soul in the world can see me in my fragile, emotional state

I will be abashed to know that I didn’t fight back hard enough

I will feel weak and helpless

Destroyed and hopeless

Because I was once a strong woman

And a fighter of emotions

Letting a tear escape from my tear glands and onto my cheek

Does nothing but prove that I have given in to emotional pain

And lost the title of a strong woman

But a strong woman is who I want to be

Who I have always been

So, a strong woman, I will continue to be

I Swear I Won’t Cry

 

Love,

A

x

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My Lips May Lie But, My Body Does The Exact Opposite.

I try to act distant
Stay distant
Keep my thoughts far away from what is apparent
Speak words that oppose how I really feel
But regardless of how hard I may try
I fail to conceal the underlying truth
Because a part of me will always give it away
My body
My body is incapable of acting out the lies that my lips utter
My body fails to agree with what I want it to agree with
A strong bond seems to exist between my subconscious and my physical body
As it only moves in the way that my subconscious moves
Lingers around the one I admire in the way that my subconscious thoughts linger around him
Squirms when slightly touched in the way that my subconscious squirms when imagining being in direct contact with him
My lips lie but no part of my body except my hips does the same
Words mean nothing while body language is everything
I pray thee to lend a deaf ear to my empty words and evasive lies
See through them and pay attention to the language that my physical form speaks
The uncontrollable smile plastered on my face
The weird way in which I stare at you
The manner in which my hands wrap around you when I pull in for an embrace
The awkward movements that my hands make only because they want to be somehow entwined in yours
My lips may lie
But my body cannot no matter how hard I try
I pray the to lend a deaf ear to my pointless ramblings
I apologize for being unable to express clearly, what most people refer to as true feelings

Love,

A

x

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Long Back…

Your face hunts my eyes
I can’t stop picturing it even after 1, 2, 3 tries.
Your voice slightly tickles my eardrums
To that, I say yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
Your smile acts like my artificial pacemaker
I pray thee to keep your smile
So that my heart may remain beating.
Your laugh is like music to my soul
I’d be a comedian if it keeps the rhythm calm and slow.
And when you come close to me
I can barely breathe
I get a weird tingle in my belly
This feeling is unknown to me.
Your smell lingers in my soul
Constantly cleansing me
Its got almost the same effect as anointing oil and a bowl.
When we kiss it’s heaven on earth
Joy everlasting in my spirit
It’s hard to take a breath.
You’d hold my hands and my pacinian corpuscles become extra sensitive
To a touch so tender
A touch so affective.
From my palm to my face
and down my abdomen
My strong, healthy cardiac muscles are beating faster
As if preparing for a big race.
I’d look into your eyes and you’d stare back
Expecting me to say something, anything
But I hesitate and let my eyes fallback.
I’d pause for a second and allow my lips to shyly curve upwards
Sometimes, words can’t explain how I feel
So, all I can manage is a smile, bright and emotion filled as can be.
I can’t understand this
Yet alone, explain it
All I know is,
My body longs for yours and so does my soul
It is only fair that you long back.

Love
A
X

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February, The Month Of Love?…Love?

Wow it’s February already and a lot of people refer to this month as ‘The month of love’. I’ve never experienced love per say but, this post is about A, not me. Love? Hmm, I am unaware of the meaning of that word. I’m not talking about the definition because I could just get that off any random dictionary. Today’s post today is concentrated solely on love. Feel free to correct me if I misunderstand the meaning of the word or even the effect of love on humans. I am but a learner in this category.

Dear lovies,

Hi, my name is A. A for anonymous. A for a girl. A for a hopeless romantic. A for anything but perfect. My friends call me ‘A’, my family calls me ‘A’, random people that claim to know me call me ‘A’ so, ofcourse, you may call me ‘A’. That’s all you have to know about me, for now. As an anonymous girl who is hopelessly romantic and far from perfect, I have a lot of fantasies about falling in love. It’s disgusting really but, I did not choose the love-struck thug life, the love-struck thug life chose me.

Once upon a time (Why are you reading the rest of the story without saying ‘time time’?!), I got asked ‘A, how far your love life now?’ All I could manage to say was ‘my nonexistent love life is a joke’. Forever alone lomo. It was a joke at the time and, I actually said it to someone that I fancied…fancy. A while later, I thought about that statement. About what exactly it was that hindered me from changing that situation. About what I wanted from love; this strong, powerful and passionate word which I knew nothing about. Then I came up with a few ideas of what I thought love entailed. Actions, Words, Privileges and Positive Emotions. They’re all a bit over the top because I watch a lot of romantic movies and read a lot of romantic books. I am fully aware of the fact that movie relationships are all fiction but, it’s a lot more interesting to read about than the real thing.

All the things I said above are just to add bulk to this post haha, I apologize. Please do read on. I’m going to start writing in third person so as to make this sound a lot less personal but first, I’ll provide the definition of ‘Love’

“Love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions.” NO LIMITS OR CONDITIONS

For A however, love is a feeling that she doubts she will ever feel.  It’s always been something so farfetched and things haven’t quite changed. Something she thinks she wants but might not get right now. A wants to feel love, to understand what it means. She wants to run in the park hand in hand with the one that she’s emotionally attached to. She’d love to keep half of her clothes in her lovers’ home. To be able to say any and everything to the one that she loves. A doesn’t want much. She just wants to be normal. She wants to know that she can be normal. She wants to know that there’s nothing wrong with her emotionally rather than physically. She desperately searches for the man that will look beyond her physical appearance. Attractive as she may or may not be, she believes that there’s more to her and she’s yet to find anyone that is interested in the ‘more’ bit. She’s looking for depth; something deeper than mere lust or infatuation. A wants to fall in love…to fall deeply in love. To have someone to call her emotional rock, someone she can depend on, someone to trust forever and ever. She wants to feel this imaginary connection. To be able to kiss her lover whenever and however and wherever she wants. She wants to be off the market. To be able to speak to the same person for months without one dull moment. She wants to fall hopelessly in love. The ‘ IDGAF about tomorrow, all that matters today is that I love my man and he loves me’ kind of love. Or, as Alicia Keys put is, “that off the wall won’t stop till I get enough kind of love”. A wants surprises and cute messages and unexpected kisses and reckless love making. She wants beautiful poems and ridiculously cute stories about her love affair. She wants to listen to happy love songs and have her thoughts drift off to her one and only. She wants to go to bad and wake up in the arms of her lover. To kiss her baby first thing in the morning and think of how happy his presence has made her rather than the amount of bacteria that is being introduced into her buccal cavity. To arise come morning grateful to God for the partner he’s blessed her with. She wants to happily stare at the beautiful creature lying down beside her; overcoming the urge to caress his face. She wants to forget what being lonely feels like. To be able to turn ‘runzerz’ and numerous “P’s”down with justification. She wants to feel requited love, passion and need. She wants the world to see the love emanating from her and her lover.

So, now that we’ve concluded that A is the biggest dreamer on earth, I’d like to tell you a few things that she’s prepared to embrace.

The painful arguments, the crack in her heart when her lover is mad at her. She wants to be on the verge of tears when it seems like her relationship is coming to an end. She wants to feel like an overcomer when things eventually work out. She wants the real deal, all of it. Most of all, she wants to stop fantasizing about something she doubts she’ll ever have. Tell A it’s okay to dream a little.

Love,

A’s other half

x

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Day 5. A time I thought about ending my own life.

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This is too deep. I’ve never actually thought of ending my life for two reasons
1) There may be so many things wrong with my life but, not everything is wrong. I like to focus on the positive parts of my life and stay grateful for them. It’s never about the negatives. +I’m just awesome. People would miss me if I took my life away. The world will mourn a great loss. Why would I do that to 7 billion people? I’m not that cruel.
2) I was brought up believing that I don’t own my life. That my soul belongs to God so, he’d take it when he wants. Killing myself would be a sin and that’ll put me on a straight train to hell. Mandems don’t want to burn in hell y’know.

Suicide is actually so extreme. I mean, even when I get minor cramps, I rummage through my things in frantic search for aspirin just so I don’t feel pain. Stabbing myself or hanging myself or taking drugs or jumping off a building is too much pain for me to bear. I could never.

A few months ago, during the lowest point of my life, I only ever considered not being there for a moment. Maybe a day or a week. Just taking a break from life. Running away. Sleeping for a week. I never even consider slipping into a coma for a few days talk less of completely ending my life.

My life is a beautiful gift which I received for free. I’ve got so many opportunities available to me. Loads of beautiful friends. An annoying family that brings drama to my life. People I care about and people that care about me. Lives to make a positive impact on and marks to make on the world. Also, my ‘Once Upon A Time’ love story is just about to begin. That’s enough for me to love my life and live cautiously and well as carefree until one day, I’m not here, on earth anymore.

Don’t ever think of ending your own life. It’s more important than the problems you’re going through.

Love
Far from suicidal A
X

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@Just_Iii ‘s Dayyyyy! Whooooooop!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XwSKSQKoo8

It took me a good hour to think of how to start this post and I still couldn’t think of a better first sentence. H’oooo Gawd! The truth is, I’m shy lol. I have a problem with writing about real emotions and that’s what today’s post is about. Not my usual boy lovey duvey emotions. Is that a sigh of relieve I hear?

So, it’s my bestfriend’s birthday today *drumroll*. I never use real names on here so, we’ll call her Ms Mans. I’m so excited I can barely breathe. I even considered taking the next plane to Maryland just to spend the day with her but, with the inflation and all the economic crisis, money isn’t in surplus for me;(. I’m one of those ‘anything for love’ people.

I don’t really know what to say but, ill start with a little history. So, I was 9 and had taken a decision to embark on a difficult and challenging journey through high school in Nigeria. My mum dropped me off and I was left alone to explore the world of ‘adults’. My mum said not to tell anybody my age so, I don’t get bullied for being two years younger than everyone else. All I did was laugh at her petite concern. She spoke as if she wasn’t aware of the fact that her daughter was only a girl because she lacked that extra projection which boys had in their pelvic region. I was a boy by heart and by nature. So, I wouldn’t hesitate to beat up any so called ‘bully’. Mummy unpacked for me. This meant that all I had to do now was to look for people that were for enough to speak to me. ‘Friends’ they called it.

I stepped out of my room after saying a little prayer. I prayed for the people who would make the biggest mistake of their lives by making fun of my lack of hair. I had an Afro and a flat chest. It didn’t make me insecure but, it made me wish that God didn’t create me as a female. I was just done with my prayer when I saw this monkey-looking child. She was at the banister crying her life out and it took me every ounce of self control which I lacked, to stop me from laughing out loud. I went up to her just to introduce myself and walk away. That way, I’ll leave a statement. “Oh hey my name is Aku. Bye”. But this creature decided to tell me the reason why she was crying. I hate when people cry in front of me, I hate listening to people I don’t care about lament and at the time, I didn’t care about anyone. I was a 9 year old determined to be ‘famous’.

That’s the end of my little story. The monkey-looking creature that was crying is now my bestfriend, Ms Mans and she was crying because she felt homesick. Stupid child. That’s where we started talking anyway and, now, eight years after, she’s still my number one. Okay, two. I’m sorry babes :*.

Ms Mans and I have been through it all. The good, the bad, the everything. We’d fight over what font style to use while typing in IT class. Mad girl loved ‘impact’ and I was all for ‘monotype cursiva’ but, we could only choose one. This would always be a problem and we wont talk for the rest of the class. Until we get shouted at by Mr Ezeh.(We’ll now unite to insult the hell out of him ^_^). I’d always get into trouble with seniors cause I was ‘rude’ and Ms mans would come and beg for me( I’ll still be doing bad bitch for the senior but somehow, I always for out of it). Ms Mans and I used to fap/nick/any word that isn’t as harsh as steal food from our very special senior (I cannot reveal this name on here) in times of extreme hunger. She’d teach me all her stupid lovey duvey songs and I’ll pretend that I wanted to learn them for real. Haha eg skater boy. Then there was always gist and we always got into hot boiling peppersoup (mostly because of me) it’s hard not to get into trouble when you’re my friend.

Anyway, the point is that Ms mans and I have a special relationship that I doubt I’d ever have with anyone else. I mean she’s irritated me sooooo many times and I’ve probably done the same but regardless, we’ve made it through 8 years. I sound like I’m talking about my parter now. I’m just grateful to God for blessing me with a friend/bestfriend/soulmate/living diary. One of the two people in the world that I can tell everything that is anything to. The full story, that is. I usually always leave bits out but, not to these two people, not to Ms Mans. A lot of people today talk about distance and its impact on modern relationships. Now, I’m not a lesbian and, my bestfriend and I are not in a relationship but despite the fact that she’s over 10 hours away, she’s still the closest thing to this solid rock that I have as a heart. I would write a lot more but, the song above says almost enough.

Happy Birthday Ms Mans!!!! I love you a lot more than I love…hmmm

Ps: You silly twat, I hope this embarrasses you as much as your Instagram post on my birthday embarrassed me:p

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Day 4. My views on religion.

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I actually had this conversation with my very special Mr Emzz a few weeks ago. Give me 5 minutes while I look through our chat so, I don’t end up saying the exact opposite of what I told him. See, Mr Emzz really is special to me and incase a spirit leads him to my blog(tufiakwa), I wouldn’t want him to read this post and think I’m a liar.

I can’t be asked to go through our chat, I was just typing dust there but, my thoughts about religion probably hasn’t changed in the past few weeks.

Like almost every other thing I say about myself, it may be hard to believe that I am a devoted Christian. I read my bible, my open heavens and pray. You’d hear me praying and be scared but like every other Christian, I sin in multiple ways. I’m not perfect so don’t judge me.

So, as I was saying, I’m Christian and, Christianity for me is a way of life rather than a religion. It’s about the things you say, the way you act, the things you do, how you treat the people around you and it’s accordance the word of God. All the word of God instructs us to do is to live noble and blameless lives. To treat everyone equally. To love and act out of love. You don’t have to be Christian to do any of the above. I cannot judge a human being based on their religion. I cannot judge a human being at all (Matthew 7:1) but, if given the right to, I’d judge people based on their lifestyle. I believe that a man is who they are based on the contents of their heart. Whether or not you have a religion is none of my business. I’d rather have pagans as friends than hypocrite Christians.

I was brought up in a Christian family. I always went to church early, was ever present in Sunday school, I would always contribute, memorise multiple passages from the bible, I was a devoted choir member even. Today, I’m not as committed as I was but, I’m still deep in the Christianity belief and I love to know that I could always depend on my creator. That’s what I grew up believing so, that’s who I have grown to become. That’s for me though and, it doesn’t have to be the same for everyone. I mean, being with Christians is cool ’cause we supposedly have the same views and beliefs and a similar way of life. There is however, conflict between the different branches of Christianity. The Reedeem people don’t believe praying through Mary will get you anywhere close to God. Catholics may not entertain the idea of singing and clapping in Gods’ presence. Deeper life despise the concept of having birthday parties. Mountain on fire are way too religious. Anglicans just seem in between. There’s just so much confusion and arguments between the various groups. Religion has become something close to a political debate. Christians are constantly trying to prove that their method of worship is the best. Am I supposed to support this?

The book of Proverbs compares two groups of people. The righteous men and the wicked men. It doesn’t say the men with religion and the men without religion. So, I looked up the meaning if righteous just to back me up here.

‘Morally right or justifiable’

I know the same bible says things like
“Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God” (John 3:3)
As well as
“Go ye therefore and teach all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit’ (Matt 28:19)in other words, bring others to Christ and the likes of that. That’s for another post anyway. It also speaks about the fruit of the spirit which, as a Christian we should have. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Humility and Self control. I know a lot of Christians including myself who don’t even posses all those qualities. How then do we deserve to feel superior to people with other beliefs when we don’t even practice what we believe in?

I haven’t been fortunate enough to come across a lot of Muslims in my life but, I know a number of noble Muslims. You’d look at them and wouldn’t be able to spot a single fault in them. In terms of the things they say and the way the act to people. They have a different belief to me but, they seem to have a similar way of life. My bestfriend is actually Muslim and aside from the fact that we have different religions, we always always have the same opinion about certain life issues and the possible solutions. It’s constant occurrences like this that makes me realize that the way people act has very little to do with their religion but rather, their beliefs, the things that they value or consider a priority as well as their virtues and what they deem morally right. Does it make sense for one to claim to only like Muslims and Christians? Shall they expand the love a bit and add ‘Hindus’ to the list?

I’m beginning to see the similarities between religion and political parties./Campaigns. Like different religious groups are trying to captivate the heart of the people by making promises and giving out suiveners. In Nigeria, they could be related to brooms and umbrellas(AKA h’umblera). They all speak of miracles and a change in one’s heart rending situation but, even the bible says ‘Heaven helps those who help themselves’. Religion isn’t going to help you get that job or that guy/girl or that degree. I hate how people are constantly looking for a way to classify the mass. Black and white. Tall and short. Fat and skinny. Virgins and non virgins. Christianity and Islam(I apologise if I haven’t mentioned your own religion. I only really know about two so, forgive my ignorance)

In summary, I think that religion is only important to those who have one. It’s encouraging to believe that an all knowing spirit is aware of your situation and is going to see you through it and elevate you. However, if you don’t believe then, you just don’t believe. Religion doesn’t define anyone. It’s about the things that they do and if one acts noble and isn’t deliberately froward then, nothing else matters.

Love
Nonjudgmental A
X

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I Want.

I Want…
To be the optimistic friend that pessimists need
To be one of the strong women that the world lacks
To be the independent girl that females hope to become
To be the determined daughter that parents yearn for
To be the hard working student that lecturers dream about
To be the happy disposition that everyone wants to be around
To be the erudite young lady that men pray to find
To be the blameless soul that God wants me to be
To be what ‘they’ want me to be

I want to be left alone really
I cannot be a lot of the things above
Why can the world not come to terms with that?
I am who I am
And if that isn’t good enough then, crucify me
I won’t stop you
Why can’t I be left alone?
Free from incredibly high expectations
Free from being judged by the people who barely know me
Free from the misery that haunts me when I return back home
Free from it all
I want to be alone
In a quiet corner, a quiet room, a quiet house, a quiet city, a quiet part of the world
I need time to think, analyze and come to a conclusion
Time to become the person that I want to be
Time away from all the confusion
Time away from the people that I am familiar with
I want to be alone.

(There’s so much pressure on fragile little me. My spirit is upset and I can’t deal with it. So many things don’t make sense right now and this post may be one of them. I might take it down in a few days when I begin to understand the situation at hand but until then, this is what you get)

There’s no love left in me
A
X

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